“You’ve always been stronger than me.”
“That’s an excuse, and you know it,” she spits. Billie lets out a small cry, and Keira breathes in deeply.
“I have a job back in the city,” I say. “An apartment. A life.”
“Another excuse.”
I ball my shaking hands into fists. “You think I want to be like this?” I say, trying not to focus too much on how similar my words are to my mother’s.
“You didn’t even try to change.”
“I did try.” Little by little, I forced myself to go out there, even if I’d have rather stayed protected inside Ruth’s place. I tried to be the person Eli wanted. Tried to be the sister Keira needed. But my father returning was the variable I didn’t take into consideration. The one that made this dream unattainable.
“Not hard enough, then.”
She’s hurt. I can’t fault her that, even if the hate in her glare destroys something I thought had been repaired within me.
“Well, we don’t want your goodbyes,” she says, sitting next to a pile of laundry and folding a shirt on top of it. “I’ll find something to tell Xav, but that’s the last time. You’re either in my kids’ lives, or you’re not.”
I look at Billie, so small still as her thin fingers twist into her mother’s hair. I understand Keira. She’s protecting her family from building expectations toward people who will end up flakingout on them. How many times did I wish Mom would do that for us? In a way, I’m proud of my sister for this, even if it kills me that I’m the person the kids might need protection from. I can’t imagine not seeing Billie and Xavier again. Losing my sister. This summer, I found the person I used to consider a friend as much as a family member before, and the last thing I want is to give that up.
But you can’t have everything you wish for. I know that better than anyone.
“All right,” I say, swallowing so my voice doesn’t crack. “I understand.”
Keira hums.
“The offer remains open. Whenever you want to visit, I’ll be there, with open arms.”
Her lips twitch before she nods.
No goodbye, then.
With one last look at the hard lines of her brows and nose and at the small world inside her arms, I turn and leave.
Only once I’m outside and the door is closed behind me do I allow my face to crumple.
This entire situation is fucked. No matter what decision I make, I’m losing. Thereisno right decision. I’m trapped.
I take a good minute to get myself under control, then turn toward the driveway. I jump at the sight of the person leaning against her car not ten feet away from me, watching. Dottie is sitting at her feet, not even needing a leash.
“I figured it’d come to this,” my mother says, her expression unreadable.
“What do you mean?”
“You decided to leave.” She nods as if answering for me. I guess you truly can’t hide anything from a mother. I’m not in the mood for another fight. I’ve already left every bit I had in there.
I reach her side and pull Dottie into my arms before leaning back against the car.
“I’m sorry, you know,” Mom says. “I never wanted you to feel like you had to leave your home. I still don’t.” Her dark brown eyes fill, and she doesn’t blink the tears away. “But I want you to know I understand.”
I bite the inside of my cheek.
“I wasn’t the mother you deserved, and you’ll never know how much I hate myself for all of it.”
My mind blinks back to the conversation with Eileen.She did what she thought was best for all of you.
I remember all the times Mom caught me eating sweets in my bedroom. Whether it was saltwater taffy from the candy shop in town, or cherry lollipops I’d gotten from my grandmother’s stash, it was always the same scenario. She’d walk in while I was supposed to be sleeping and find me sitting under my covers, filling my mouth with sugar. It was always the best comfort I could find. Mom would pull the blanket from my head and tell me I wasn’t supposed to eat those, especially after I’d brushed my teeth. Then, I’d try to bribe her with one, and after taking a good look at me, she’d say it was okay, just this once. I used to think my bribesworked, but now I see it was probably the sight of me being happy that stopped her from ever getting mad. I ended up getting three cavities repaired that year, but my mother never threw it back in my face. She’s not like that. She’ll do what she can to preserve the peace, to make a person feel good and grateful, even if she doesn’t agree with their choices.
