I drag my tongue over my teeth, wanting to ask her howshewould know, but she’s been in my mother’s life for a long time. She was mostly Ruth’s friend first, but it seems she and Mom got close in the past years. If anyone knows about our home situation, it would be her.
Her voice softens as she says, “I’m not saying she was perfect. Your mother made mistakes. Of course she did. And I’m not saying staying was necessarily the best option, either.” She pushes the plant in my direction. The gift-wrapping looks half-finished, but I guess that was the final result. “What I am saying is that she did what she thought was best for all of you, and you can think she didn’t choose right, but her decisions were always made with you in mind.”
Isn’t the intention more important than the final result?
All the battle leaves my body at once. I lean against the counter, head low. “I don’t think I can ever understand her choices.”
“And maybe you don’t need to.” Her short curls bounce as she cocks her head. “Maybe you can just accept that she had her reasons, both for herself and for you girls, and decide to forgive her even if you don’t understand them.”
The retort that Mom stayed even after we were gone from the house is on the tip of my tongue, but what Eileen just said ripples across my mind. She had her reasons for herself, too. Maybe, just maybe, there were worse things than staying.
Although my anger disappears, a deep, all-consuming sadness overwhelms me at the thought of my mother still being in the heart of the cyclone, even all these years later. I was able to leave. It wasn’t easy, and it created holes in all my relationships, and even now, it’s tearing me apart, but Icoulddo it. I can’t imagine what it would’ve felt like to not be able to.
“Be gentle with her, all right?” Eileen says. “I promise you, as her friend, she deserves it. Deserves your love, too.”
Toying with the inside of my bottom lip, I grab the plant and say, “Thank you, Eileen.”
She smiles as if the intense last five minutes did not happen, and I’m just a regular customer. “Of course, sweetheart. I hope your friend likes your gift!”
I look down at the plant. As if knowing who I’m giving it to, Eileen added gummy worms on the dirt, not as a candy but as a decoration.
“I’m sure she will.”
Chapter 38
Pure chaos has taken over Keira’s house when I step in two days later. Shrill howls pierce the living room, where Keira is leaning over a wiggling Billie who looks very insulted that her mom is trying to dress her. Meanwhile, Xavier is dressed in a mix of different superhero costumes, with a Spider-Man bodysuit, a Batman mask, and some kind of gauntlet on his fist. He’s jumping from couch to couch, every time coming close to falling and hurting the heck out of himself. I’m pretty sure that’s crayon marks on the wall of the living room, too, but I’m not about to mention it.
“Oh, Cassie, thank God,” she says, just now realizing I’m the one who walked in. I guess at this point, she doesn’t even worry about thieves or kidnappers anymore. She does a double take as she rises with Billie, who immediately calms when she hugs her to her chest. Her expression transforms in question the second she takes me in. I don’t know how she realizes something’s up, but she does. Then, her shoulders drop.
“You’re leaving again,” she states, not even a question.
I don’t answer, but my silence says it all.
“Xavier, go play in your room,” she says without breaking eye contact with me.
“But—”
“In your room, now.” Her tone leaves no place for arguing, and he doesn’t. I send my nephew a sympathetic smile before he climbs upstairs. I hate that I’m causing even a hint of tension in their house.
I didn’t want to do a goodbye tour. In fact, if I’d listened to my chaotic inner voice, I’d have left without saying a word. I don’t know how I’ll be able to handle all these separations, but skipping town in the dead of night would’ve been the cowardly thing to do, and I’m trying to do better eleven years later, even if it means torturing myself with a slow death.
“I can’t believe I was this naive again,” Keira says with a sharp shake of the head. “I was really starting to think this time was different.”
“It is! It will be. You’ll come visit.” My heart is in my throat. Even though I believe in what I’m saying, I see the wall being erected between us, brick by brick with the warmth disappearing from Keira’s eyes. Her entire body hardens.
“Like you invited me to visit the last time?”
“It’s not going to be the same. I messed up last time. I don’t want to lose you or the kids again.”
“But you’re still leaving us.”
I can’t go through this conversation again, so I summarize it with, “I can’t stay.”
“Don’t say that. Youcanstay. You just won’t.”
My hand flies to my chest, rubbing. “Doesn’t it kill you, every time you’re associated with him?”
She adjusts Billie in her arms when she starts whining, as if feeling the brewing tension. “It’d kill me more to let him win and give away the life I’ve worked for.”
