Sometimes, I don’t know whether I’m trying to convince Sage or myself. Whatever, it keeps me busy until Officer Grisham hands me back my phone. “Dr. Allen?”
His familiar voice is all the calm I need. “I’ve spoken to them and explained everything. Don’t worry, Emma. We’ve got this. I can come over now, or you can bring her in on your way to work.”
“Thank you, I want her to get at least a couple of hours of sleep. Can we be at your office around eight?” It’s not as if I’m going to have a chance to sleep in.
“You’re doing a good job. She’s lucky to have you.” Even though he says the platitudes after each visit or conversation, I’ve never needed to hear them as much as I do right now.
I end the call, relief and gratitude flooding through me. In a matter of weeks, I’ve built a solid team around Sage. Surely, there should be a light at the end of the tunnel soon?
The officers are waiting for me in the foyer, and at least Officer Brahams looks genuinely apologetic. “Thank you for your time.I’m sorry for the intrusion and for any distress our visit had on your sister.”
“Thank you.” My next career could be acting, my voice is so sweet and sincere.
“We’ll place a note on file, but you might want to introduce yourself and your circumstances to your neighbors so there aren’t similar misunderstandings.”
“I’ll discuss it with Sage and her therapists.” I can’t imagine Sage agreeing to tell the world about her nightmares, but at least they both nod and leave.
It’s too much.The police were called because someone thought Sage wasn’t safe with me. My knees give way, and I slowly collapse, my back sliding down the locked door. The tears that had built up in my chest finally burst like a dam, and I pound my head back against the door in a self-wallow spiral.
I can’t do this.
I can’t be mother, father, guardian, sister, and everything else.
I can’t do it.
I don’t have a choice.I fight back against the spiral.Months ago, I didn’t think we’d get Sage in school, and she refused to even communicate by text or message. Now, she has friends who accept her as she is, and she’s on the school swimming squad. There’s still hope. There is always hope.
It’s almost five when I climb back into Sage’s bed where soft purring sobs interrupt her sleep. More for me than for her, I whisper soft reassurances in her ear and take comfort when she rolls into me and the sobs become deep breaths.
Damn it. Only hours ago, I thought I’d turned a corner on the whole domestic goddess, surrogate mother role and hoped we could go a night without night terrors. Now, I’m terrified that if things don’t change,someonewill question or challenge my guardianship, and my little family of two will be torn apart. Ifthat happens, I wouldn’t just be letting down Sage and me, I’d be letting down our parents, and Ican’tlet that happen.
Sage’s breathing finally evens out. Her fingers loosen their death grip on my shirt, and for a moment, I let myself believe she might get some rest. My body feels heavy with exhaustion as if I’ve been running uphill all night, but my mind remains a storm.
Somewhere in the chaos, my thoughts return to Dylan. Our first night had been everything I needed—from the flirting to the unbelievable sex. If we’d ended it there, I could have always thought back on him as theman who got away. But now, I know him. I know he uses origami swans instead of notepaper or text. I know the way his eyes twinkle a split second before he laughs. I know the cut of his jaw, and how said jaw feels rough against my skin.
I know how he kisses and how he looks intently into my eyes as I talk. He makes me feel seen. I’ve never felt this way about another person before. And I can’t believe karma is so fucking cruel to take away my parents, force me to pack up the life I thought I could have to take on a responsibility that I never asked for but will never shirk, only to place the right man in my life at the wrong time. Why Dylan and why now? Why not in a year, when my life is more settled, and I have a season at the Mavericks to use as a reference?
One date, with the option of dessert.
Why did I sayyes? I know better. Even if he wasn’t every woman’s dream, a man like Dylan isn’t a realistic and long-term option for a woman like me. Dylan will never date or fall in love with a woman with a child, so why would he accept me when Sage and I are a package deal? Even if our date is the best date ever, and dessert is more than I can imagine, between my job and my secret, it can never be more than secret dates, secret loving, only to leave me with a broken heart and unemployment.
But ...
My heart skips a beat as I remember his words, the sincerity in his voice. He doesn’t seem like a man who says things he doesn’t mean, but it doesn’t matter. Dylan is a complication I can’t afford. My life is already a balancing act, and I’m barely keeping it together.
Still, as my eyes flutter closed, I can’t stop imagining what it would be like to sayyes, not just to the date, but to him. To let myself fall into the kind of reckless, all-consuming love that people write songs about. To believe that, for once, someone might catch me instead of letting me fall.
The scream tears through my dreams. For a split second, I can’t remember where I am. Then it hits me, and I’m sitting up before I’m even fully awake. No. Not again. This is the first time since those early weeks after the accident when she’s had more than one nightmare in a night.
“Sage! I’m here. Sage.”
She thrashes beside me, her face twisted in terror and hands clawing at the sheets as though she’s trying to escape something I can’t see. Her scream rises again, raw and guttural. Is it possible to be cut by someone else’s pain? Because I feel each scream like a knife.
“Sage, it’s okay, it’s me,” I plead for her to hear me while pulling her into my arms. At least with me in bed with her, she can’t hide under the blankets. Her fists beat against my chest until the fight leaves her limp.
Her eyes are open and unfocused, wide with fear as though the nightmare hasn’t let her go.Damn, all I asked was for one night—not just for me but for her, too. How can her mind heal when each nightmare must leave her exhausted?
“I’ve got you,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “You’re safe, baby. I’m here.”
