But it doesn’t work. My eyes are open a moment later, unable to look away from my impending end. Still, I try to come out on top and get to the part where I am okay with being around people. I try to subdue the imaginary monster attempting to best me. But no matter how I try to convince myself that everything is proceeding according to plan, that I am still the one in control, I’m past the point of no return. There are too many stimuli from every direction, too much noise and too many faces and masks. It’s all rushing toward me, a terrifying amalgamation of color and sound and smell that I can’t effectively tune out. It will crash into me and devour me, erasing everything that I am until I become part of it, too.
Shit, I really underestimated the toll that returning to society for the first time in ages might take on me.
I claw at my neck, my eyes rolling back as the black spots in my vision intensify.Fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m about to pass out and ruin everything.My head pulsates, my body trembling as my knees turn to jelly. Part of me regrets coming here. I should’ve let Leo or Kieran handle this, but the prospect of spending so much alone time with Aran and finally making him fall in love with me was not something I could pass on.
Except it backfired. Majorly. So, here it comes, the premature and embarrassing end to Sudo Hex’s greatest adventure.And I didn’t even get to kiss my dream man. FML.
The head-spinning view suddenly vanishes, gone between one blink and another. I can’t believe my eyes. All I can see is black and mesh, working together to create a uniform scenery that my brain can anchor itself to.
“Follow my voice,” a deep bass says calmly, standing out amidst the mindless cacophony. It’s the only tangible thing, a fleeting lifeline that I can grab onto and stay afloat. “You’ve got this, Tien. Just take a deep breath, look at me, and follow my voice. You’ve done this before, you know the episode will pass. Just let it.”
The words are said so fondly. So lovingly. I cling to them and inhale deeply, expanding my chest as much as I can. It’s counterintuitive to get the oxygen flowing again though, as my entire body is tense and on edge. I’m already too deep, too far away from the surface, sinking and sinking despite the ray of sunshine that’s broken through the dark water. It’s simply too late for me.
Hands clasp both my ears, their cool, long fingers gently rubbing the tips.
Everything becomes muffled, like it’s no longer looming around me and threatening to swallow me whole. I shiver and gasp, clasping the black fabric that’s hiding me from the world.
“That’s it. Focus on me. I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you. You are safe. I know it’s a lot, but you can do this.”
Fire blazes within me, clearing in seconds the lingering terror as something sweet and demanding spreads through me. My gaze snaps up to the source of that authoritative but encouraging voice. Deep brown eyes stare at me, determined but slightly worried. Concerned, as if I am a fragile thing they need to protect at all costs.
Shuddering, I exhale. My entire body quakes from the force of it, but I can’t bring myself to look away from Aran. He’s captivated me since the first day I met him and nothing in the entire world can break his spell.
“I got this,” I whisper, tasting each word on my tongue.
He smiles in that overly subtle way that only he can do. My heart does a flip, banging so loudly I am sure he can hear it.Man, I want him to hug me so much. I want to have his arms around me, to feel his heat. I want to embrace him back, to bury my nose in his neck and breathe him in.
I want to touch him. To kiss him. To feel him. I want to drive him so crazy he can’t exist if he’s not near me.
“I think you should kiss me. Or I might pass out,” I tell him, running my tongue over my trembling lips.
His eyes narrow down to my mouth as he slightly leans in, and for a second I swear he considers it. But the moment passes too quickly, gone before it can truly settle. His hands drop from my ears and pat my shoulders, smoothing out my uniform. Then he steps back with a barely noticeable roll of his eyes and schools his expression into a perfectly intimidating scowl.
“This is not a game. We are risking a lot even by just being here. Too much depends on us, so if you can’t handle this, I need to know. I won’t hold it against you. I know you don’t do well in crowds, and I’m sure you can be just as useful from the cabin. Maybe you should—”
I press my lips into a line, mirror his intimidating security guard stance and face the loud crowd. This was the perfect moment to take our relationship to the next stage, but all I got instead was a scolding.
“I’m fine,” I grit out, not looking him in the eyes. “I just… I let the surroundings get to me. Itwon’thappen again.” I won’t let it, especially if tagging along as Aran pretends to be a security guard depends on it.
He opens his mouth to say something, but a pair of visibly tipsy guests approach us. I take that as a blessing since I really am not feeling like a lecture from him right now. I’m a little annoyed, yes. He could’ve handled this a lot better, maybe hugged me and told me how important my wellbeing is to him and how much he loves me.
But alas, the time for that isn’t today. Then again, we’ve still got two more weeks of this cruise left, and that’s plenty of time to turn the tables and make him realize he can’t live without me.
5
Aran
Thetwochattypassengerswho approached us look to be in their fifties. Now that I think about it, the majority of the masked guests are closer in age to me than to Hex. It’s the wrinkles, laugh and frown lines that give them away. I wouldn’t call them old necessarily, but at forty, my own prime has already passed, and I no longer feel like I used to. Like the world is mine for the taking. Like I could do anything. This all died the day I saw my best friend’s smile for the last time and realized I had to be the one to deliver the devastating news.
“Oh! So, this is your first time on a cruise, sweetie?” the blond woman who’s wearing a brocade pantsuit says, giggling behind her peacock-inspired venetian mask. Her voice is a little hoarse, but otherwise inoffensive, though it rubs me the wrong way.
“It is! My friend here”—Hex hooks a finger at me—“has been doing them since forever. We work at the same company. He said they needed some extra people for this fancy gig, so I signed up. It sounded like lots of fun.”
The way he delivers it makes it sound like being hired here was his life’s goal. He’s good at pretending and playing a role when he’s gotten over the initial stress that being around people brings him. If he had a better tolerance for crowds, I think he’d have made an amazing idol or actor.
The woman laughs again, patting her companion on the arm. He’s a stocky man with a swashbuckler’s mustache, who’s dressed in a matching brown suit and colorful mask. His one comes with extra feathers.
“My, what an energetic young thing you are! And so chatty, too.” She lifts her hand, covering her mouth as if the two of them are in the middle of conspiring. “All I got were curt answers and glares when I tried to ask for directions, so this is such a breath of fresh air.”
