After what he told me the last time I saw him, I think the answer to my question is obvious. I was just a summer fling, after all. Nothing more than a hot piece of ass. He was just “kicking it with the rich girl,” having some fun, but he always knew there was an end to our relationship because I was goingback to school. It was never going to be more. And somehow, through all the quiet moments we spent together—cuddling, making love, the sweet things he said, the way he looked at me—I “should’ve known” it was just a casual thing.
Had I known that was the case, that he was using me for sex, I never would’ve gotten involved with him. I was so head over heels in love with him, I believed with everything in me that he was the one. And I could’ve sworn he felt the same. But now I’m suffering so much I can barely breathe. I’ve never known a pain so excruciating. No, I take that back. When Dagger rushed into the room, telling me Skully had been shot and was in the hospital battling for his life, that was the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
“I get it, Mads. But in case you were wondering, he hasn’t been with any of the girls. He doesn’t even let them come near him. Mainly, he just stays in his room. Drawing at his table. I’ve seen some of his work, too. It’s pretty incredible. But sad. Really dark and sad.”
No, it doesn’t make me feel better. It sounds like he’s hurting. And after everything he’s been through, I’m sure he is. I can’t imagine what it’s like losing both of your legs and your best friend all in one night. I just wish he had let me be there for him. But he didn’t even want me in the hospital room. He woke up and nearly freaked his shit when he saw me on his bed tucked in next to him. He told the guys to take me out, and told the nurses only family was allowed in, meaning his “brothers.”
That should’ve been another clue to how insignificant I was to him, but I fooled myself into believing he didn’t want me to see him in pain. I thought he was worried I’d be sad or that I’d think less of him. But then he came home from the hospital, and he didn’t mince his words when he told me to leave the club and never come back. He didn’t want to deal with some clingy little girl while he was trying to recover.
“Hey!” She perks up. “Any chance you could give me a ride back to the clubhouse? The girls are going to be a bit longer, and I’ve already finished up my shopping. It would give us some time to catch up. I want to hear all about your plans and what’s been going on.”
“Um…”
I really don’t want to drive to the clubhouse. I don’t want to go anywhere near that place again. It’s going to stir up too much pain. Bring back all the memories. And it’s already hard enough. This conversation has ripped off any scab of progress I’d made, which was barely any.
“Please,” she pleads, giving me puppy-dog eyes. “I’ve missed you so much, Madsters. And the guys are in church right now, so there’s no worry of running into anyone.”
For as much as I don’t want to do it, I can’t say no to her. She was the one who held me when my heart was breaking in two. The only one who texted every day to make sure I was okay after everything went down. Even my own parents didn’t care about me. They thought I was being ridiculous crying over a guy who ran around with a bunch of biker losers who were criminals just waiting to be arrested. My dad was furious when my tears wouldn’t stop, so he sent me back to school early, telling me to get my shit together and wise up or else I should never come home again.
I didn’t want to. I tried so hard to find something so I wouldn’t have to return, but nothing panned out and I had no choice. And every day, I get up, plaster on the fake smile, pretend like everything is perfect, and play the part until I’m out from under their scrutiny. Then I go tuck myself in a coffee shop and scour the internet for job postings. But after Mom told me the other day that she’s arranging a dinner with Jeff’s family in hopes that I’ll reconsider the boy, I started looking for a sales job. Hence me applying in this store. I’ve submitted anapplication just about everywhere I know I won’t be recognized by anyone.
“Okay,” I agree, realizing she’s still waiting on my answer.
“Awesome! You’re the best. I’m going to go tell the girls I’m heading out and I’ll be right back.”
I nod, watching her retreat to the back of the store where the dressing rooms are, and as soon as she disappears, the memory floods in.
“Look, Jeff! There’s no line for the Ferris wheel. Will you ride it with me?” I watch the pretty lit-up ride as it makes its slow rotation around and around, stopping to let patrons off and others on. It was always my favorite ride at the fair, mainly because it was slow and safe, and the views from up top were amazing. You could see all the way to the mountains. The snowcapped peaks glowing under the moonlight.
“There’s a reason there isn’t a line for the thing, Madison. It’s the most boring ride in the place.”
My excitement suddenly takes a hit. That’s the second time tonight he’s belted me with disappointment. Make that the third because he was an hour late picking me up since he had to pick up the guys first. This was supposed to be a romantic date, just the two of us, but apparently, he forgot that fact and invited his buddies along. Now, he’s acting like an arrogant asshole, treating me like I’m impeding on his fun with the guys. He always gets this way when they’re around.
I try to shake it off, not wanting to get too worked up. The fair only comes in town once a year, and I’m not going to let him ruin it for me.
“Oh, look, Jeff! They have cotton candy. I love cotton candy.”
“That shit will rot your teeth, Madison. And it will turn your mouth blue. I’m not interested in kissing you with blue teeth.”
Seriously? He’s being such a killjoy. Can’t he live a little and have fun? Take the snooty pole out of his ass for one night? I’m tempted to march right over and buy myself a bag, show him that I don’t want him kissing me, but my attention gets caught on something else. A giant fluffy bear that looks just like the one my grandma gave me when I was a kid. I loved that bear so much, but my mom ended up throwing it out, saying it was nothing but a dust magnet.
I don’t think it had anything to do with the dust. I think my mother resented the fact that the most cherished thing in my life had come from my grandmother. And I…resented the fact that she would keep me from my most beloved person in my life. My mom married into wealth and prestige, and she didn’t want to be tied to anything that could “taint” her social status. My grandmother with her feathers and braids in her hair, and her free hippie spirit, was lower class and “crazy,” and my mom didn’t want her influencing me. Little did she know that by forcing me into her rigid, snooty box, she’d influenced me herself. I don’t want to be anything like her. I don’t want to be like any of them.
“Look! They have a basketball game,” I tell him, pointing to the stand. “Do you think you could win me that big bear?” This should be right up his alley since it has to do with sports, because that’s all he cares about. Basketball, football, baseball, and golf. He rarely talks about anything else. Not college or classes or anything I’m interested in. It’s always about who had an amazing play, and who should be benched. How his online team is doing so well.
“That’s a waste of money.” He turns his nose up and starts to head back to the guys. “The games here are rigged. They purposefully make them impossible to win, so you’ll spend a fortune and walk away with nothing. The guys and I are going to go ride the Gravitron. You want to come?”
And get spun around and around until I’m puking my guts out? No thanks! Nope. I’m going over to see if I can win the bear myself. Now that I have my own apartment at college, I can have any stuffed animal I want. Besides, if I lie and tell my mom that Jeff gave me the bear, she won’t touch the thing. Anything related to Jeff is perfect. It’s all my parents ever talk about with me. How’s Jeff? Where’s Jeff? You’re so lucky that boy has chosen you. You two are going to have the cutest kids. He’s got a good head on his shoulders. That boy is going places.
For a while, they had me brainwashed into believing I was actually lucky to be his girlfriend. But now, every time he does something or says something rude, a crack forms in that belief. Lately, I’ve been questioning whether I should end things now or after I get back to campus and won’t have to listen to my parents rant over the fact that he won’t be their future son-in-law.
“I’m going to go win that bear,” I tell him then march off toward the game. I should’ve come here with the girls tonight. Although, they wouldn’t want to eat cotton candy either. They’re too worried sugar will make them fat.
I pull out a five-dollar bill to hand it to the man running the game, but he shakes his head. “It’s ten to play, doll.”
Ten? Holy shit. That’s expensive. But if I turn around now, Jeff’s point will only be proven, and he’ll be gloating over the fact. Besides, I’ve got nothing else to do while I wait for them to ride their vomit-inducing ride. I pull out another five and hand it to the guy. He tosses me the basketball and smiles.
“Got to get three in for three for the big prize. Two for three will get you a rubber ducky.”
