“Damn, it must be a hell of a cologne.” His gentle laughter soothed away my worries. “Seriously, out of all the kinky things you could have done while getting off, that’s so low on the list, it doesn’t even rank. It’s not worth beating yourself up about.”
I dared to glance up at him, relieved to see he wasn’t disgusted. “Does this mean I’m not straight now? Am I bisexual if I’m only interested in him but no other guys? How does that work?”
“It’s all a fluid spectrum. In my case, I’m happy in my relationship with my boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I’m no longer bisexual because I’m with a guy. I’m still bi, despite being more attracted to men than women. For me, the most important attraction factor is the person, not their parts. Whether my partner is Jude or Judy, I fell for who he was. Him being male was secondary. Maybe that’s what’s happening with you.”
“If you see him, you’ll understand why I’m so fucked-up.” I texted him a few of the pictures I had taken on our morning hike and at lunch. “How is anyone supposed to look at him and not want him?”
His eyes widened when he pulled up the photos on his phone. “Damn, you weren’t kidding. He’sgorgeous. Does he model?”
“No, but he works for a famous photographer behind the camera.”
Rigby shook his head. “He’s definitely on the wrong side of the camera.”
“Right? I thought the same thing.” I sent the two selfies Armand had shared with me earlier. “Check these out.”
His eyebrows went up again as he flipped through them. “You know what this looks like, right?”
All too well.“Like I’m having the time of my life and I want him to fuck me?”
“Where’s the lie?”
I exhaled a heavy sigh. “But I don’t know anything about being with a man!”
“He does, though.” Rigby’s point sent an unexpected spark of excitement through me. “The best thing you can do is go with what feels good. Don’t psych yourself out wondering if you’re doing things the right way. Focus on the feelings and not the mechanics or your anxiety.”
“But I’ll beawful.” The fear gnawed at me. “Armand is probably a sex god, and I don’t know how to give a blow job or—”
Rigby gently interjected. “He’s not going to expect you to be an instant master.”
“But what if I’m so awful, he doesn’t want to be with me again?” My fearful question slipped out of me, making my cheeks flush with embarrassment.
Rigby’s gaze softened with fondness. “Well, that answers your doubts about whether you want him, doesn’t it?”
It was past the point of denial. I ached for things I didn’t know how to express, which scared me a little. “What if I hate anal sex?”
“There is plenty of other stuff you two can do instead. Sex isn’t just about being penetrated, after all.”
“What if—”
When I cut myself off, Rigby prompted me. “You can say it.”
“What if I fall for him?” That terrified me more than anything. Armand was incredible, and I had never had sex without my feelings getting involved. It was bound to be a disastrous combination.
“I guess that depends on where he lives.”
“He’s from Paris, but he spends most of the year in Sunnyside working for a photographer.”
Rigby grinned at the news. “He has a French accent on top of being that handsome? Damn, you didn’t stand a chance.”
“I know, right?” Accents were a major weakness for me.
“If he lives in Sunnyside, what do you have to lose? If you fall in love, you could still be with him after your trip is over without it having to be long-distance. That’s a good thing.”
The sense of hope his point gave me was a big warning sign I was already in too deep. “I can’t think that far ahead. I mean, he claimed I wouldn’t be a one-and-done for him. But maybe it’s all in my head and he doesn’t want me. He’s flirty and French. What if that’s all there is to it?”
He shook his head. “Based on those pictures you sent, I’m confident you’re not the only one feeling something between the two of you.”
“It terrifies me that I hope you’re right.”
