Page 55 of Hyde and Seek
It wasn’t until I turned to go back inside that I realized I was holding my fingertips to my smiling lips.
I sighed as I closed the door, unsure of what to think. I didn’t get how someone could go from not talking to me to… whatever this was. A kiss goodbye before he left to get us breakfast didn’t seem like a peace offering.
Seems like an offering of somethingmuchbetter.
I shook my head to clear my thoughts, an exercise in futility. I fixed my coffee and sat down to try and compose my thoughts without overthinking.
It wasn’t going well.
Jake seemed to be trying hard. Until I knew what he was working for, though, I couldn’t decide if the effort was going to pay off.
When I heard the rumble of Jake’s Harley, I went to let him in. Before I got there, he came in without knocking, lightly kicking the door closed behind him.
“Hey,” he said, quickly kissing me before heading into the kitchen.
I stood frozen, watching him move through my house.
The whole scene felt intimate in a casual and natural way, as if it was a daily occurrence. Like he had free rein of my house, coming and going as he pleased.
It was disconcerting, but only because it wasn’t.
I liked it.
I’d been on my own for a long time. Even before I had my house, I’d spent most of my time by myself. Truth be told, even when I wasn’t alone growing up, I often felt like I was.
I liked my own company. I laughed at my own jokes, I was a good listener, and I never had to compromise about what to have for dinner or what to watch on TV. I could have ice cream at eleven in the morning or coffee at nine at night without judgment.
I had awesome friends who were always there for me. Work and school kept me busy in a rewarding way.
I was honestly happy.
That, however, didn’t negate the fact that I was also lonely.
Not the heartbreaking loneliness of a little girl that just wanted time with her mom and dad.
Or the confused loneliness of someone trying to figure out who they were when everything about them went against their surroundings.
Or even the exhausting loneliness that came from pretending to be someone they weren’t, in order to fit in with a room full of people they didn’t even like.
I was the kind of lonely where I was just… alone.
I wasn’t going to be with someone just for the company. But as I watched Jake, I knew I wanted someone to walk casually through my house more often.
Even if it wasn’t him.
In order to have that, I needed to drop the walls I’d built around myself. It wouldn’t be easy to juggle school, work, and any semblance of a personal life, but it was possible.
As long as I quit making excuses, at least.
“I wasn’t sure what you wanted.” Jake lifted the overstuffed bag and pulled me from my thoughts.
“Well, I’m sure it’s in that bag.”
Or holding it.
God, how could he look so good all the time? If I slept on the couch, my hair would be one giant snarl and I’d have fabric indents all over my face.
Jake set the bag on the counter and began pulling out pastries, spreads, and juice.
