Page 121 of From Angel to Rogue
The images kept filtering and filtering through—blurry neon lights, fake giggles, the smell of alcohol and sweet lemons, and… and the pain, so brutal and fresh, and that voice inside my head that kept mocking and mocking me.
The images folded in line, one after the other, and I knew, I just knew.
I knew exactly what happened to me that night.
It wasn’t a random night I went out to party. It was the sixth-year anniversary of the day I found out I could never have children.
And it all came back to me.
I finally remembered what had happened to me that night.
Ihappened to me that night.
I lost myself so much that I disassociated as someone.
Almost as if the voice inside my head took form, forcing me to see the ugliness I created.
Maybe deep inside, I had always been there. And that girl said enough was enough and wanted out and forced the empty shell of a Katy to see how pathetic her life had become after she spoon-fed herself poison for years.
In a way, it was I who recognized that I needed to stop.
And everything did change after that night.
It wasn’t someone else who woke me up from my nightmare. It was me.
That night…
“Angel, should I come pick you up later?” Lan buried his face in my neck, hugging me from behind.
“No, Lan. I’ll be fine.” I forced a steady tone while my insides felt like dying. The pain was like a thousand stings of a bee piercing my organs over and over again. I couldn’t wait to get numb to it all away tonight.
But I knew no amount of alcohol or drugs was going to soothe the searing pain of today.
I hated today.
I hated what this day represented.
I hated that only I knew the reason I would happily lie in a casket I built for myself than do anything else today.
But I had to smile. I had to paint my lips red. I had to wear the new shiny couture.
I had to pretend.
Pretend.
Pretend.
Pretend.
Pretend that I was fine.
I am fine,I whispered to the girl with dead green eyes, her long legs accentuated by her spiky Louboutin pumps and her pink Versace cocktail dress tight over her lean, skinny frame, staring back at me from the full-length mirror.
She looked like the Katy Evans they pictured with her famous boyfriend, Landon Greige. Her loyal boyfriend who worshipped the lying pretender.
“Okay.” Lan tilted my chin and brushed his lips against mine. His kiss brought a tiny flare of life to beat my broken heart alive, but even that was gone when we parted. “Jon is in town tonight; we’re going on a ride.”
“This late?” I couldn’t stop the concern from my voice. Yes, I hated everything in my life, including myself, but I loved Lan with every last cell of my being. If anything happened to him, then I would really die.
