I shrug. “I was thinking something along those lines earlier. How you’re so much like your dad but not anything like him at all.”
27
Living is Scary
Collin
My head jerks back. “How do you mean?”
I’m dying to know what Noli thinks of me and how she thinks I compare to my dad. I value her opinion—more than she knows. But I find myself holding my breath as she takes her time responding.
“I don’t know, exactly,” she says. “I don’t know your dad very well. From what I can tell, though, you’re both hardworking and dedicated to the force, obviously. But he seems more cunning, while you’re more kind.”
I look away before answering. “He’s always been all about the job. At the expense of everything else. He ruled our house with an iron fist. He was never physically violent to me or my sister, and I don’t think to my mom. But he’s manipulative. He talks down to us, but it’s all twisted because it comes out sounding like he wants what’s best for us. But then his intent undercuts his words, or maybe it’s vice versa. I don’t know. In the Rattler household, you learned at an early age that you don’t cross him.” I pause. “I’m terrified of becoming like him—or at least like the domineering, self-absorbed parts of him.” My words come out as almost a whisper. “I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that to anyone,” I add.
Noli is quiet. I look over at her, but I can’t see her eyes because the wind kicked up so hard it tossed her hair into her face.
She’s working to peel the strands out of her eyes, but she’s not having much luck. “Hold on. I feel like Cousin Itt,” Noli grumbles.
I laugh at that. “Here.” I reach up and hold onto the sides of her face, her silky hair soft beneath my fingers. I shift my thumbs down and trace her cheekbones but keep my grip in place. The wind may have thought it won this round, but I’m the clear victor here. “That’s better. Now I can see you. I like it this way.”
Her eyes are wide as she peers up at me. She can’t really look away, given our position. I don’t want her to. I could stare at her blue eyes forever. I could drown in them. Iwantto drown in them. They’re the riptide I never expected to take me under, but now that I’m here, I want to sink in.
It dawns on me that I’m in the perfect position to kiss her. Andboy howdydo I want to kiss her. But that’s not the deal. Instead, I hold her cheeks, relishing the feel of her skin beneath my hands.
“Thanks,” she whispers before clearing her throat. “You know, standing up to your dad might give you a greater sense of control over the whole situation with him. Maybe you should try it.”
If only it was as easy as she makes it sound. But a lifetime of striving to navigate our relationship without getting burned has made me hesitant to confront him and tell him how I truly feel about things that matter to me. But she’s right. I know that. “Maybe I should,” I agree.
We stand staring at each other, the wind swirling around us.
“You won’t become like him if you don’t want to,” Noli says after a second.
I shake my head slowly. “How can you be sure of that?”
“Because it’s a choice,” she responds simply, as if it’s the most straightforward thing in the world. “You’ve identified something about his behavior or personality that you don’t like—that you don’t want to be like. So now you can work to make sure you don’t. You can choose not to.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?”
“Because how can I know for a fact that I won’t fall into the same habits? We’re so much alike with our careers and our desire to be the best in our field.”
“That’s a good thing,” Noli says. “No one would fault you for wanting to do your job well.”
“But what if it comes at the detriment of the rest of my life? That’s the whole reason I never wanted to—“ I cut myself off. I don’t want to go there. But Noli is tracking me. She’s like one of those robo-vacuums with the high-tech sensors that pick up on where dirt and crumbs are and then go straight for them.
Don’t ever tell her I compared her to a vacuum cleaner, okay?
She arches an eyebrow. “Never wanted to what?” she asks.
“No. It’s nothing.”
“It most certainly is not.” She stomps her foot and frowns. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. She’s like a grumpy little mouse. The sight of her all out of sorts over the thought of me keeping a secret from her makes me smile. A real smile. How is it that everything is better when I’m looking at Noli?
I let out a long sigh, pretending to be put out when really I can’t remember a time when I’ve been more content. I continue the slow sweeps of my thumbs along her cheekbones.
“Tell me, Collin, or I’ll tickle you.”
