He pushes it open after a couple of jiggles. “Go ahead.”
I stare at the dusty spiral staircase in front of me. “You sure this thing will hold us?”
“Mostly sure, yeah.”
I toss a skeptical look over my shoulder as I step ahead. “Not inspiring much confidence there, Rattler.”
He chuckles. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe.”
I press my lips together. I believe that down to my core. And it’s so nice.
Too nice.
We walk in silence up to the landing at the top of the stairs. I shift to my left to make room for him, but there’s not much space. When Collin joins me, my chest is pressed up against his bicep. I can feel his muscle tense and release as he works the lock. I can smell the dueling scents of spice and cedar radiating from his skin.
The lock tumbles, and he shoves the door open. “After you.”
I have the weird desire to grab for his hand, but I resist it.
I step out onto the skinny catwalk that circles the top of the lighthouse, and my breath catches. I feel Collin’s presence behind me. He fills what’s left of the narrow space.
“Wow,” I breathe.
“Yeah, pretty amazing, isn’t it?”
It almost sounds like he’s speaking those words in reference to me. They tiptoe across my skin and curl around my heart, but when I glance over my shoulder at him, he’s looking out into the dusky sky beyond me.
“One of my favorite places in all of town,” he adds.
I scold myself for being sentimental. Only in books does a guy agree that something is amazing or beautiful or incredible when he’s actually talking about the girl in front of him. This is not a book. This is real life. I need to remember that. I don’t want my heart to get broken again. I’m broken enough.
“How’d you get a key?” I ask, steering the conversation to something safer.
“I knew the caretaker. I used to help him clean the place, and I bummed a key off of him. I think he knew I used to come up here when I needed to clear my head. It’s not really allowed—or it wasn’t—but he kind of looked the other way. He knew I needed a place of my own.”
“What do you mean?” I rest my arms on the railing and look out into the navy water of the cove.
“When your dad’s a cop, it means he’s got eyes and ears everywhere in town. Sometimes it was suffocating.” Collin joins me at the rail. He leans forward, and our arms brush. There’s enough space that he could take a step to the side, but I’m glad he doesn’t.
Only because it’s a little chilly up here, and huddling together will help us to preserve body heat. Naturally.
“What’s the real deal with you and your dad?” I ask, a picture of Collin’s relationship with his father forming in my head. “Why don’t you stand up to him?”
Maybe it’s bold of me. Or presumptuous. Or something. I don’t know. It’s not really my place. But I’m curious. I’ve got daddy issues of my own, so this is an area of common ground I didn’t realize Collin and I shared.
He’s still and quiet. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch him bite the inside of his lip. He’s silent for so long I think maybe he isn’t going to answer me. Maybe I offended him.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep. I—”
He shakes his head. “No. It’s a good question. That’s why I don’t really know how to answer it.”
I wait.
Eventually he turns his body toward me. “For my entire life, I’ve wanted to be both exactly like my dad and nothing like him.”
I find myself slowly nodding. “I get that.”
He looks at me incredulously. “How can you possibly understand that? I don’t even understand it.”
