“That’s what he believes,” I said softly. “That because I’m unworthy, he has to kill me to protect the Community.”
“Is that what you believe?” I could taste his fear, bitter and sour on the back of my tongue.
“No,” I answered him honestly, hurt that he thought I might. I pulled away from him, the back of my neck feeling cold and exposed without his hands resting on it. “I—” I blew out a heavy breath. “I might not be perfect, but I am who,and what, I am. Regardless of what he has to say about it.”
Elliot studied me, and I couldn’t read the expression on his face. Or maybe I was just afraid to.
“Then why don’t you believeme?” He sounded heartbroken.
And I had no idea why. “Believe you aboutwhat?” I hissed. I wondered if I sounded as panicked as I felt. It felt like I was losing him, and I didn’t understand why. Five minutes ago it had felt like he was the stable rock holding together my admittedly very shaky foundation. And now… I’d done something—I didn’t know what, butsomething—wrong and hurt him. Badly.
Perhaps too badly.
I felt sick, the food I’d just eaten heavy like sludge in my stomach.
It felt a little like thinking he was dead all over again.
“That I love you.”
“I know?—”
“Yousaythat, Seth, but you don’t really believe it. You think… I don’t fucking know what you think, but you somehow think that I love you less because I was afraid to let you in.” He gripped my face in his hands again. “I was afraidbecauseI knewI could love you.Didlove you. And I knew that if if I did, and I fucked it up like I always do, that my heart would shatter.”
I swallowed back a sob.
“I would literally—and I meanliterally—die rather than let anyone do anything like that to you. Do you understand me?”
“El, no?—”
“You don’t get to tell menoon this one, baby.” His words were harsh, but his fingers where they traced my features were so gentle. “I get to decide how much I love you, and it’s infinitely more than that fuckhead ever did or could. More than I’ve ever loved anyone. Because I will put you first,always. Got me?”
I closed my eyes, unable to withstand the intensity of his gaze. I felt the press of his lips against my forehead.
“I love you,” he whispered into my skin. “And I will absolutely die for you if I have to, but I promise you I would much rather both of us live to be wrinkled, grey-muzzled old men. So that’s the goal, okay? For both of us.”
I nodded. “O-okay,” I agreed meekly, stuttering around a sniffle.
13
Elliot Crane
Are you coming out to see me today?
Seth Mays
If Hart and Raj finish with me early enough.
Raj?
Rajesh Parikh. Hart’s boss.
Tony the Tiger?
Yeah.
Do we like Tony the Tiger?
Val gives everybody so much shit it’s sometimes hard to tell.
