We continue to lay in the dark room, neither of us speaking and neither of us sleeping.
30
noah
Savannah’ssteady breathing has been the only thing keeping me calm for the last five hours I’ve lain here awake. The morning rays of golden light have just begun to shine through the slats on the balcony door. Usually, when I wake up in a cold sweat, I like to go out on my balcony and let the bitter winter air sting my skin. It’s a welcome distraction and it gives me something to focus on rather than my swarming thoughts.
This morning, though, in bed with Savannah, I don’t want to be anywhere else. I hold her back flush against my chest, my legs tangled in hers, and her warm scent keeps me grounded.
“I can’t tell if the way you smell my hair is cute or concerning.” Her morning voice startles me, but I smile against the back of her head as she turns over in my arms, facing me. “Good morning.”
I drop a kiss to her forehead, closing my eyes at the feel of her skin beneath my lips. “Good morning.”
“How are you feeling?”
My hands freeze where they rub her shoulder. I’m smacked with memories of last night and an overwhelmingamount of guilt. I’m pissed at my subconscious for going off the rails. I’m embarrassed she had to witness it. I’m annoyed that after all this time, after everything I’ve done, it’s now—when I’m so close to the finish line—that I’m uncontrollably losing it. More than anything, though, I’m gutted that she thinks she needs to console me.
I don’t have the right words right now. I don't know what’s happening with me, and I definitely can’t explain it. So instead, I do what I do best and shove it down. I run my fingers through her hair and tilt her face up, pressing my lips to hers. Her body melts into me so easily, and she lets out the sweetest little moan when I deepen the kiss.
“I forgot to tell you, I texted my mom yesterday. She’s going to save you a seat at the game later, just in case your interview runs long.”
“Oh.” Her voice is surprised and borderline unsure. “Okay, yeah. Thanks.”
“Speaking of, how are you feeling about it?”
“The interview?” She rolls over, running her fingers through her hair. “Fine.”
“Where's the confidence, Sav?”
“It just feels cursed at this point.” She sighs. “I don’t even want this internship. I don’t know why they rescheduled when it’s clear as day that I bailed on them. I haven’t done any research or any preparation.”
I’ll admit it is odd that they gave her a second chance. The athletic departments at LCU are fairly low tolerance when it comes to bullshit. Professionalism is expected by both athletes and staff, but I don’t want to stress her out any more than she already is by voicing that.
“Want to make a bet that it goes great and you get the job on the spot?”
“What are the stakes?”
“Something naked.” I lift a brow at her.
“So you win either way?” She teases me. “I’m notthinking about it anymore. I have five hours until I need to be there, and it’s a waste of time worrying about it until then.”
“That’s my girl.” I drop another kiss to her forehead “I’m going to hop in the shower.”
The room is cold when I lift the feather comforter and stand from the bed.
“Noah?”
“Hmm?”
“How are you really feeling?” She crawls to the edge of the bed, perched on her knees with my T-shirt covering her body. Strands of her rich, dark hair lay over her shoulder in a messy but sexy way. I rub at the pang in my chest when I see the concern in her eyes.
“I’m good.” I pull on a sweatshirt, even though I’m on my way to take a shower. It’s like my body is doing things, but my mind can’t make sense of why. “Please, don’t worry about me.”
“I’m not sure if you’ve caught on yet, but you can’t tell me what to do.” She smiles sweetly, and I must not return it because she reaches a hand out to me. When I sit back down on the bed, she drags a finger in a comforting stroke between my pinched brows. “Maybe if you talked to me about what’s going on, I’d worry a little less.”
How do I tell her that a few extra practices and being on the brink of failing my courses are causing me a little stress? It’s pathetic. I’m a little off right now and I just need to do better. It’s as simple as that.
When I’m with Savannah, I don’t constantly feel like I need to prove to her that I’m the best. I get to relax and just be myself, but it still feels like a struggle to show her every part of me. All this time, I’ve been desperately trying to get past her walls to see the real her, when in reality, she’s the one who has always been honest about who she is. She puts herself out there, flaws and all. I’m the one who is letting my past get inthe way, keeping me afraid of opening up. I’m the one who’s too scared that I won’t be enough.
