Page 8 of So Much More
“No. There’s never a good excuse for cheating. I don’t care what you did. If she wanted to sleep with someone else, she should have broken up with you first. That’s not on you. But what is it you think you did that drove her to it?”
“I wasn’t …,” I search for the right word, “… enough. She always wanted me to do more, tobemore, and I couldn’t. I tried for a while, but it didn’t take long for me to realize I didn’t like her enough to want to try. I should have broken up with her then, but I was too chicken to do it. I didn’t want to end up alone. I figured being with her was better than being with nobody, and I’ve never been good at picking women who are good for me anyway.”
Ash sighs. “Colleen never accepted you for who you are. She expected you to be someone you’re not, but a person who truly loves you won’t try to mold you into who they want you to be. You need a woman who will not only let you be you, but also encourage you to be the best version of yourself you can be. And yes, you probably should’ve broken up with Colleen, but that still doesn’t make it okay that she cheated on you.”
I stare at him.
“What?” he demands.
“Look at you giving relationship advice. It’s a new side of you. I’m not sure if I like it or not.”
Ash rolls his eyes. “Well, get used to it. You’re going to need it if you want to survive Wendy.”
I can’t help the smile that overtakes my face as I look back at the ceiling. “She’s a little spitfire, isn’t she?”
“Yes, and if you stupidly try to break things off with her, and she doesn’t want you to, she’ll go down swinging.”
“She doesn’t want more from me. If she did, she would’ve told me, or she would’ve kissed me, or something. Wendy speaks her mind and goes after what she wants. You know that.”
“I’m not so sure.”
My head turns toward him so fast I get dizzy. “Not so sure about what?”
“That she doesn’t want more.”
“Why aren’t you sure?” I demand, sitting up.
He shrugs. “Just a vibe I get.”
I laugh. “A vibe? You get vibes?”
“Sometimes. Shut up.”
“You shut up.” I flop back down and stare at the ceiling yet again. “If she wants more, why hasn’t she done anything about it?”
“Maybe for the same reason you haven’t done anything about it—she thinks you don’t want more. You’re never shy when it comes to women. If you want to be with someone, you let her know. But you haven’t let Wendy know. Instead, you’re …,” he waves his hand in my general direction, “… all weird and stuff. You’re never like this.”
He’s right.
“I didn’t tell Wendy I want her becauseIdidn’t know at first. And here lately I’ve been afraid to do anything about it for fear of losing her.”
“Well, now that you know, do something about it. You said you were too much of a chicken to do the right thing with Colleen. Don’t be a chicken with Wendy. Tell her how you feel, and then let her decide if she wants to put up with you or not.”
“But what if she doesn’t want to put up with me?” I throw my arm over my eyes. “Not that it matters, if I’m not going to let anything happen between us.Ugh.I’m so mixed up about this whole thing. I never get this worked up over a woman. But I think I need to learn who I am on my own. I haven’t been single for more than a month or two at a time since I was in high school. I’ve got to figure myself out.”
“It’s hard to argue with that, but you’d better tell Wendy that’s what you need instead of just telling her it’s over. I’m pretty sure she’d understand. How long do you think it’ll take you to figure yourself out?”
I take a minute to consider my answer, since I’ve not really thought about this until now. “A few months? A year? I don’t know. I’m grateful for my job at Carter-Jenkins, but you know I only became a lawyer because Dad practically forced me into it. I need to decide what I want to do next and make a plan for how I can afford to make that happen.”
“You don’t have to do that alone. Wendy can help you.”
I shake my head. “She shouldn’t have to.”
“Maybe she wants to,” he counters. “I think you need to give her the chance to make that decision instead of making it for her.”
My chest grows tight at the thought she might want to do that, but I say, “You know how I get when I start dating someone. I fall fast and hard and I get so wrapped up in her I forget the rest of the world exists. I can’t do that right now. I’ve got to straighten my life out, and I want to spend as much time with the girls this summer as I can.”
Our younger sisters, Tonya and Sonya, are eighteen and seventeen, and Tonya leaves for Duke University in the fall. When I left home for prep school at fourteen, the girls were six and five. I don’t know who they are now as almost-adults, and I’m about to lose my chance with Tonya.
