Page 66 of Brian and Mina's Holiday Hits
My hand strays to rest on his thigh. One of his hands leaves the steering wheel and covers mine.
“Now do you understand why I don’t trust myself to fuck you?” he asks, his tone grave.
“Not really, no.”
“Mina, for fuck’s sake, you were crying, and I just kept fucking you. Those weren’t tears of pleasure. I didn’t even care. I heard it, and I didn’t care, I just wanted to be inside you and mark you as mine. This compulsive need to mark you is going to get you killed. I was punishing you because I was so angry that you’d let Gregor touch you, that you’d been fooled by him. Even though I know it’s irrational, and you didn’t do anything wrong.I don’t trust myself and how possessive I am of you. I don’t trust your safety with me.”
“They were tears of relief,” I say. “I wasn’t upset you were fucking me.”
He pulls his hand away from mine and puts it back on the steering wheel. It seems to take his every ounce of self-control to do this.
“Oh, that’s so much better, Mina. You were relieved I wasn’t about to chainsaw massacre you, so rough fucking was just fine by comparison.”
I remain quiet because there’s nothing I can say to deny his accusation. Ihadbeen afraid he was going to kill me with that chainsaw.
“You weren’t yourself. You were out of control.”
“Yeah. I know. I was there. Once again, this is why I don’t trust myself to fuck you. This is why the only way we can do it is if you chain me up like the rabid dog I am. You have no idea the fucked-up thoughts that were spinning through my mind when I was chasing you. Nothing will ever make tonight okay, so don’t fucking try to sugarcoat it. Don’t forgive me or act like it’s no big deal because it’s a very big fucking deal. You not being traumatized by it, doesn’t change the wrongness of my end of it.”
“So, what? Are you going to break up with me?” I ask. I’m being a smart ass, but I don’t like how it feels like he’s pulling away, like he wants to shelve our entire relationship because he doesn’t trust himself. What about what I want?
“Never,” he growls.
“Well okay then.”
Another couple of miles of dark interstate passes by the windows before I speak again.
“I liked it.”
“Mina, don’t say that.”
“I did. I liked you all wild and primal and dark. I didn’t think you would ever hurt me. I just knew something strange had happened to you. I wasn’t sure YOU were in control, but as long as you are in control of you, I trust you. I trust us.”
“You shouldn’t. I’m a wild animal. I should be locked away in a cage.”
I sigh and stare out the window. We don’t speak again for the rest of the ride back to the house. It’s late when we get back. A couple of Jack-o-Lanterns glow on the front porch. I hear shrieks and screams outside, but they aren’t horror movie screams. They’re the sounds of people playing out by the pool.
Brian and I walk around to the side of the house. There’s a raging bonfire in the back, a nighttime picnic set up with burgers and hot dogs, and lots of splashing in the heated pool under halloween orange lights that have been strung all around it.
Brian leans in and whispers in my ear, “Wouldn’t you have rather been at this party than the one you ended up at with me?”
“No,” I say, and go back to the front door. I hold the door open for Brian so he can carry our bags in.
We go down to the incinerator first and burn the bag with the bloody clothes. Then we stand in our shared dungeon room and just stare at each other. It’s as though we’re suddenly strangers, and I hate it. I hate this distance he’s put between us. He may mean to protect me, but it only hurts me.
“Brian…” I start to move closer to him. I want to close this distance between us before it becomes a sinkhole that swallows us both.
He shakes his head and holds up a hand as though warding me away. “Mina, I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything.”
“I need you to punish me. For tonight.”
“I told you, I’m not upset about tonight.”
“Yeah? Well I am. And I’m not ever going to get the fuck over it until I feel like I’ve paid for what I did to you.”
“You didn’t do anything to me!”
