I step away from the computer, fill up my water bottle, grab a mask, and go outside for a walk.
Usually, I hate walking in my neighborhood, as the hills make my calves burn, but I can’t sit in my house. I need to move around to force out the adrenaline. I feel like I just did three grams of cocaine. (I’ve never actually done cocaine because I’m convinced I would like it so much that I’d instantly get addicted, but my understanding is that three grams is, like, enough to kill an elephant.)
Mercifully, it’s a breezy June day in LA—high of seventy-four. The kind of perfect weather we were promised in Southern California before global warming began to turn it into an uninhabitable fireball. I speed-walk up and down the street, dodging groups of children and unleashed dogs, plotting out what to write back to Seth.
Obviously, I cannot in any way express my relief or communicate romantic interest. Aside from the fact that it would make me seem insensitive, selfish, and possibly batshit insane, I’m not trying to be a rebound. And anyway, that’s not what anyone wants to hear in the immediate aftermath of a failed relationship.
What I need to be is kind.
Express sympathy and an open ear should he want one.
In short, I need to act like a better person.
Back home, I go right for my laptop.
From: [email protected]
Date: Mon, June 22, 2020 at 12:45pm
Re: Re: Re: Subject: Whale hello
God, Seth I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup. I can’t imagine dealing with that right now.
Are you okay? I’m here if you need an ear.
Love,
Molly
I pause for a minute, come to my senses, and delete the “Love, Molly” part. I consider changing “love” to “xo” but that feels too casual given the subject matter. I can’t think of anything better, so I hit send.
And then I stare at my inbox for the next hour while mindlessly eating more cereal.
From: [email protected]
Date: Mon, June 22, 2020 at 2:06pm
Re: Re: Re: Re: Subject: Whale hello
Thanks for asking, Molls. I am… shell-shocked.
It was Sarah’s idea. Which is not to blame her—ultimately I do think it was the right decision, and that she was brave and clear-sighted for calling it, rather than letting it drag on. But I’m reeling from how abruptly it ended. (She floated it Saturday night and moved out on Sunday.)
The thing is, I thought we were really good together. Actually, wewerereally good together. At least for a while.
She’s a public defender and she inspired me to finally get my act together and start the nonprofit legal clinic I’d been spinning around in my head. I’ve got a great group of law students helping domestic violence victims with family court. Your friend Rob is actually referring clients—nice guy.
Anyway, then we got engaged, and what’s kind of funny is that the day I bought the ring I immediately lost it. Accidentally left it with Jon and Kevin. Had to race in a taxi to Brooklyn to track it down. Now I can’t help but think that was a sign.
But so, once we were engaged we moved in together and Covid started almost immediately, so we’ve been right on top of each other for months. It got claustrophobic. Maybe if we’d had more space it would have gone differently… I don’t know. Maybe we got to know each other better and realized we weren’t as compatible as we thought. In any case, it just wasn’t working.
In my heart, I think if this broke us up, it wasn’t meant to be. I’m glad it happened before we were married or had kids together.
I want to marry the love of my life, you know?
