Page 26 of Outside the Lines
"And I was freaking out because I was in love with a child. Don't argue. I know you weren't really a child, but I felt like that. I couldn't separate the Socks I knew the day you left Trinity House from the day you arrived. You were this skinny little kid, and if you hadn't come with me that first night, I would have been devastated."
Our lunch was forgotten as Trin moved back from the table. I followed them over to the couch. "I'm glad I did," they said as they sat down. "Coming to Trinity House saved my life."
I was sure that that was true for a lot of kids.
"If you did ever look me up, would you tell me if my dad was still alive? Sometimes I want to know. Sometimes I don't. But if you happened to look and then told me, it would be different than me caring enough to look. Because I don't care if you do. Or if he is. Not at all."
The abrupt change in conversation startled me. But Trin still caring about their father didn't. "I'm not planning to look, but if I do I'll let you know if he is alive or not. Would you prefer that he is?"
Trin shrugged. "I don't know. I want him to be alive, because I don't want to wish that my father was dead, but after how he didn't believe me, and then made things worse by telling his friend what I'd said... I don't really know how to feel or what to think."
"It's okay to still care," I quietly said.
They were frowning as they looked over at me. "Even after what he did?"
"Yes. What he did was horrible. But if you still care about him, that doesn't change anything about what happened. It doesn't make you a bad person, and it definitely doesn't mean that you had some part to play in it."
Trin silently laid their head against my shoulder. "I may need you to remind me of that a few hundred more times before I really start to believe you. I still feel like I could have stopped it so many times."
"You were a child. You couldn't have stopped anything." I was adamant about that.
Trin glanced up at me. "What would you have done?"
I already knew that answer without even having to think about it. "I would have crumbled. I'm not smart like you, or brave like you. I wouldn't have been able to run away, and the abuse would have lasted a long time. I'd probably be a screwed up adult with a horrible history. If I even lived this long."
"If you were wondering, I didn't have a gender before all of that started either. Who I am isn't tied to what he did at all."
I hadn't even considered that, but I was glad about that. "Shopping for you as a child must have been a pain," I joked.
Trin gave me a weak smile. "I was confused and hurt even before things started. That just made it worse."
"Of course it did. It couldn't not."
Trin took my hand. "I never liked it. I never wanted it. I know you don't need to know that but I need to say it. I get kids all the time who are told that they liked it because they didn't say anything, and I know that's wrong but I still need you to know that I didn't want it, even though I only told my dad what was happening once."
Trin was crying, and I put my arm around their shoulders as they sobbed. I kissed them on top of their head. "I know you didn't. And I hate when people say that about any victim of sexual trauma, regardless of their age. You didn't want it. You didn't ask for it. There was nothing about what happened that you are at fault for in any way. He was a monster who abused you for years, and if you hadn't run away, then he would have probably raped you, and that wouldn't have been your fault either. Nothing that happened was because of anything that you did or didn't do. You were a helpless child at the mercy of someone much older than you who should have never done anything to you."
"I need to hear you say all of that again soon," Trin quietly whimpered.
"I'll say it as often as you need me to until you start to believe it too," I promised.
Trin nodded and I held them until their tears subsided.
Chapter Eight
Trin
As much as I wanted to stay there with Alex all day, I need to go back home eventually. At the very least, I needed to talk to Andy.
"Hey," I said as I came into the townhouse to find Andy in the kitchen cutting up a watermelon. "We need to talk about some stuff."
"Really? That's the line you're going to use with me? It's not you, it's me, is almost as bad. You know, if you were looking for some horrible way to break my heart."
I needed to back up, and quickly too. "It's nothing bad, and I'm not here to break your heart. But I do have some news."
"Which is?"
"Will you sit down first? I don't love that you're holding a knife and looking pissed off at the same time," I told him.
