Page 34 of Untamed
When the chute gate opens on the left side (to the bull rider's left).
I pull my hair. I hit my head with open hands. Why am I acting like this?
Because you need to get laid. It’s been like a month.
That wasn’t exactly avoiding her, was it?
I’m a dad now. I can’t be getting wrapped up in the bullshit drama. Seventeen. She’s seventeen.
I can remind myself of that repeatedly, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting her and the need to make sure she’s safe. It’s a draw I can’t explain.
And I’m back to the need to avoid her. Goddamn her and those pleading innocent provoking eyes. I’ve never been able to resist that look.
Pulling out of the Petersons’ place, I swear to myself that’s the last party I’ll go to. And I wouldn’t have even been here if it hadn’t been for Dani and Kade convincing me to go see some of my old buddies.
Four days and I’m gone. Out of this goddamn town. I blame Mel’s hole. I think I said I’d tell you a story about that hole in the ground, that I’d tell you later. That time is now. My first girlfriend. Tessa Lynn Sutter. I loved that girl, as much as any seven-year-old can love something and wish for it to be forever.
One night, my brother Reid, and this kid we hung out with, Aryan, and I were out near Mel’s hole messing around, doing things boys do, like throwing rocks, sticks . . . you get the point. Anyway, I made a wish, a stupid one, that little Tessa Lynn would love me back. I don’t even know why I made the wish. Probably because she wanted nothing to do with me. I think I told you she was my girlfriend, but clearly the term “girlfriend” was only used by me because she wanted nothing to do with my ornery self. I wasn’t the nicest kid. I purposely did shit to piss people off just to see what they’d do.
Anyway, I wished Tessa would love me and threw a rock in the hole. Reid laughed at me and said I was cursed now. Aryan said I’d be haunted by love my entire life. Motherfuckers were right.
I was seven and refused to believe it, but that goddamn wish proved to be fucking true.
Let’s forget about the I’m cursed part and focus on the present. I can’t get this chick out of my head. It’s like she’s rooted herself there and now she’s infecting my thoughts, her warmth swallowing me whole. It’s not her looks. No, I would have fallen with my eyes closed.
I’m broken and it’s the way it is. It doesn’t stop me from thinking about her with a fistful of my bedsheets, whispering my name with pink cheeks and breathless curses I evoke within her. She’s too young. Too inexperienced, and I’m not going to be the man to ruin her. I’m reckless enough to believe I can stay away from her, but she’s so sure, so certain of the idea of us and undeniably innocent.
In other words, I’m goddamn fucked. With an uncontrolled mind and unsteady resolve, I drive to my dad’s house and I sit in the dark. With a bottle in hand, boots scraping against the wood floors, I move through the living room and into the den where my dad spent most of his Sunday afternoons. I don’t bother turning on any lights in the house I grew up in because it’s for the better. I don’t even want to look at myself.
I call Britany, hoping to talk to Wyatt again, but he’s in bed and I realize it’s nearing midnight there again. I’m disappointed I keep missing the little guy. He’s two, and the most I get out of him on any given day is “Hi” and “Daddy,” and a bunch of indecipherable words he thinks everyone should know the meaning to, but it’s worth it to hear his voice.
Britany immediately senses something’s off as to why I’m calling so late for the second night in a row. “What’s up with you?” she asks, knowing me better than I know myself at times.
I fall back against the wall, slide down it, and sit facing the windows, moonlight streaming in through the glass. It glitters and reflects off a vase of flowers my aunt sent over to stage the home for sale.
I run the palms of my hands over my face and set a bottle of bourbon between my legs. “I don’t know, but I need out of this cursed fuckin’ town.”
“Only a few more days, right?”
“Yeah. I’m heading out Wednesday morning. Are Reid and Ty riding with me to Biloxi?”
I can hear her tossing toys in bins, the clank of plastic against wood and the ones that light up and sing. “Yep. Wyatt and I are coming too. We’ll head home after Nashville.”
Britany and Wyatt usually travel with us. Not only does Britany travel with Reid, but she likes to give Wyatt as much exposure to the world we grew up in, and time with me. The only time I get to see him is if he’s on the road with us.
I draw in a deep breath, wishing I wasn’t this way. “What’s wrong with me, B? This shit is fucked up.”
“What are you talking about? You’re not still thinking about that damn well and your supposed ‘curse’ are you?”
“No.” Lies. I unscrew the cap on the bourdon and take a drink, waiting for the burn. When it hits, my mind clears, if only for a moment. “This girl . . . she’s seventeen.”
“Grayer!” Britany shouts. I can hear her disappointment and the way her lips flatten into a frown. I can’t see it, of course, but I know her well enough to know this would be the look I’d be getting if I was sitting in front of her.
“I know!”
She pauses, momentarily. “Did you sleep with her?” There’s no jealousy to her tone. I don’t even think Britany’s capable of the emotion. She’s a rock, but inside, a look no one sees but me, she’s insecure, never jealous.
Dread snakes down my spine. “Nottechnically.” She knows what I mean.
