Page 109 of Untamed
“What are you talking about? You’re so frustrating.” I sigh, shaking my head. “You told me to leave, Grayer.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect you,” he spits, and I hear the absolute torment in his voice. “You think—” He stops, shaking his head and blinking for a second, like he can’t believe it. Pushing his hands through his hair, he drags them down his face, resting his fingertips on his chin as he begins, so carefully composed this time. “It’s never been like this for me before. Until you,” he says simply, like it’s some sort of statement rather than words. Like it should have been blatantly obvious to me and everyone else all along.
I should be relieved, but I’m not. Not really. It’s not enough for me. Not after the way he treated me.
He looks at me, panic written all over his face. “Say something.”
I have to take a breath. I have to because we’re both getting so worked up that I’m afraid of what we’re going to say next. I know this argument. I had the very same one with Jamie the night he died and I don’t like this one bit. It brings back memories I intended on keeping hidden forever.
Grayer’s jaw tightens and his face crumbles when he looks at me.
“You know . . . I’msomad at you,” I tell him, wanting him to understand my sadness over this. “I came here because I thought you were different. Not that I was expecting you to fall in love with me, but you saw me as me.” He’s listening, his bloodshot eyes on mine. “Every night I used to stare at the stars. They were like these little flickers of hope that I wouldn’t always be this way. And then one day, a guy comes to town and slowly things began to change for me. Suddenly I had hope.”
“I’m sorry.” Grayer reaches for me, but I push back away from him, not ready for his touch. “I just . . . I got distracted and it scared me. I’ve had one passion my entire life. One way I wanted to live and now I see that a little different, and I’m not sure how to take that.”
“Why am I a distraction?”
He shakes his head, not sure how to answer that. “Because I worry about you. I . . . well, you’re not the only one who saw things differently.”
“If you. . . .” I can’t finish.
His head is in his hands again, not looking at me. “I love you, Maesyn,” he whispers into his hands. “I didn’t think it was possible, but it hit me tonight like a fucking bullet in the chest.”
My mouth opens wide when the words register. I stare at him, wondering where the “but” is.
Though he said it, surely there’s more to that statement. Loves me but can’t be with me?
He waits for my reaction.
“But you don’t want me around.” I finish his words for him, wondering if I’m right. “I’m a distraction. So how’s that work? I love you, but I can’t love you? That makes no sense.”
“It’s not that. It’s just that I’ve never loved anyone like that. And I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve just found a rhythm with being a dad and a bull rider, but loving a girl, giving myself to her too, I don’t know how I can have that and bull riding. It’s dangerous. You have to be prepared that when I mount that bull, it could be for the last time. Can you handle that? Can you accept the fact that the very thing that provides us with a living could kill me?”
My stomach burns, my heart pounding erratically as I remember him hitting the ground and the bull coming down on his back. My hands shake, the images of him bleeding and stumbling around. What if he hadn’t been okay? What if it had been more than bruises? What if it happens again?
“I can’t break your heart like that.” His words are delivered with a certain amount of anger. Like it kills him to say that. “It’s already happened once.”
“What?”
“With Jamie.”
So that’s what he’s fearing? I lost one great love and he’s afraid it’ll happen again? “What about you?”
Grayer snaps his eyes to mine, stunned, taken aback by my question. His happiness was never considered. In his world, he has happiness. He has Wyatt. He’s making a living doing what he loves. What he never considered was that he could have both. Someone could love him the way he needed.
I can love him like that.
I want to love him like that.
I should be mad at what happened, but I never considered his side until now. He pushed me away because he thought it was the best for me. He didn’t want to break the broken girl’s heart again.
The problem is, he has already. And he’s the very person who can put it back together again.
“I want you, Grayer. I don’t care what happens next because I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.” I don’t move from my place next to the bed and he doesn’t move either, his head still in his hands. “I also know I wouldn’t change any of that for the sake of never jumping and getting my heart broken. Break it. It’s yours and I’m giving it to you.” He finally looks up at me. “Rip it apart because at least you gave me the chance to see how that felt. If something happens, if you die bull riding, I’ll know I lived the best possible life even if it was just for a short time.”
He voice is dull, nervous, as he mumbles, “You shouldn’t have to make that sacrifice for me.”
“Britany does,” I point out.
