Page 190 of Shade
When I decided Aftershock would be the event I’d come back to, it was initially because I wanted my home town to be where it happened, plus the event fell in line with the rest of the X Fighters schedule.
But one thing remained. Could I land the triple in a competition?
All day I’m a wreck. Don’t do it. Do it. I can’t make up my mind. Not only does a good part of me think about my private after-party with Scarlet, but man, it’s a fucking triple backflip. It’s not like I can just say, hey, no problem.
I’ve practiced it, sure, but again, it’s afucking triple. No one has ever done it, aside from me in Madrid, and we all know how that ended.
Roan didn’t think I should do it. “You won the X Games with the double. We all know you can do the triple. Well, apart from landing it.” Comforting. No. But he goes on to say, “No sense in doing it again if you’re not comfortable with a trick that nearly killed you.”
I didn’t like that answer. So I went to Tiller.
Probably the worst person to ask. But I did. His answer?
“What the fuck do I care if you do it or don’t?”
Nice brotherly advice.
And you heard Ricky’s speech. Did you figure out what he meant yet? I still hadn’t.
Taking the track at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, I notice the ramp isn’t set up the way I want. I need height for the triple.
As I walk the track, the course designer is a dick when I ask about it. “Why change it? If we take time and move the ramp back, change the angle, and you don’t do the triple, we have to change it all back for no reason.”
Fuck this guy.
“Move it back,” I tell him, knowing I was for sure going to do it.
As soon as the ramp was raised, the rumors flew, and I became the headline for the Aftershock event. “Shade Sawyer is going for the triple.”
Honestly, I’m still not sure I can pull it off. I sure as shit wasn’t going to back out though. When have Ieverbacked down?
Even four-year-old me didn’t back down, why would the twenty-two-year-old?
EVERY COMPETITION IS different. Different ramps, different stadium or arena, but they all have their own feel. This one in particular has its own feel. A comeback.
Do you remember the tattoo on my back of the memento mori skull?
Now it holds meaning once again. When you’re desperate, broken, finished, you’re powerless, and nothing in your life is yours, and everything can be taken away.
The cameras follow me everywhere and every chance they get, ESPN is analyzing every move I make in the preliminary runs and qualifying rounds. Then it’s time for my run. My last two runs I haven’t pulled the triple. I’ve advanced with bike flips and 360 spins along with a couple other tricks I’d perfected to solidify the run. But now I was head-to-head with Tiller in the final round.
“How are you feeling?” Auden asks, leaning into my bike after he adjusts my suspension.
I nod. “Good.”
I’m not lying. I am. I’m also a fuckin’ wreck.
I ride to the top of the roll-in and stop, taking in my surroundings. The entire crowd is on their feet, the energy overwhelming.
Do you see the way my body’s trembling? Do you notice the focus in my eyes and the dilation to them as the adrenaline kicks in?
I breathe in deeply and blow it out slowly, lifting my eyes from the ramp. To my right, Scarlet’s standing beside Tiller and Roan, her hands nervously clasped together in what looks like a prayer.
Watching her, having her here, it’s everything to me, and I wish she could feel even a fraction of what I do in this moment. That’s when I think, no matter what happens, if I crash or ride away, I’m living. I’m alive and free in these seconds. That right there is the most incredible feeling, and I don’t want it to end.
Do you know what fear does to you? I think it makes the reason you’re experiencing fear worth it. Whether it be falling in love or getting ready to hurl your bike and body through the air, if there wasn’t fear, I’d say fuck it. There’s no risk.
Fearing failure is what makes it exciting in the first place and probably why I fear so much in life, but never admit it.
