Page 167 of Trading Paint
There was a droning silence with Jameson’s phone vibrating obsessively before he leaned over and kissed my check.
“I have to go, honey.” He pulled back, his hand rose to my cheek as he thumb ran over my lower lip. “Take care of yourself.”
I nodded, unable to choke out anything else and he once again opened his mouth as though he was going to speak and then sighed. He took a deep breath and then pulled away. This time he didn’t look back, he reached for his bag and left.
Watching him walk away, I remembered my most important question, why he was here in the first place. He never said but it seemed so urgent and unplanned. I sent him a text.
Wait! You never told me why you came all this way.
I watched him closely as he trudged toward the plane, his back was turned to me but I saw him reach inside his jacket for his phone.
The loud thumping of my heartbeat drowned out the roaring of the jet’s engine.
Jameson stopped going up the steps of the plane, to glance back at me, wearing the same expression he wore in the truck...sadness...confliction...I couldn’t place it.
I got out and continued to walk to the plane, the rain blurred my vision of him but I could tell he was still standing there.
Dropping his bag at his feet, he jogged to meet me halfway. I kept it together, crying that is, and wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. He pulled me snug against his chest, his strong arms wound around me, pressing his face against my neck.
His lips brushed across my skin as he spoke softly.
“I just needed to see you. I needed to know...needed to remember what’s real.” The low resonance of his voice sent shivers down my spine.
Have you ever thought about when your life is changing paths? Do you see it happening or do you feel it? Whether the change it somatic or not, you feel it some way. It can be something someone says to you, or something they do.
In this case, it was the words spoken.
Iwouldforever bewhat’sreal to him. I needed to make him see Iwasreal. I wasn’t just a pit lizard, I washispit lizard. Never wanting to be a distraction, I failed to understand that it was never the distraction he didn’t need, it was the opposite actually, and he needed a coil spring system. He needed someone who was simplistically indulgent to what he really was. I needed to see past the imperfections and see him for who he was, perfect. In racing terms, I needed to remove the hood pins and see what he was running under the hood to understand the intricacy of him.
From the time we were eleven, that’s all I’ve ever saw. I saw the gritty pessimistic man that saw the world the way he wanted, one left turn at a time. I saw him for who was, who he wasn’t and who he wanted to be.
25.Torsion Bars – Jameson
Torsion Bars – Torsion bars are the most common type of suspension used on sprint cars. Used on all four corners of a sprint car, they provide the link between the chassis and track surface. Made from alloy steel, the bars can be solid or hollow with most teams preferring them to be hollow. Hollow bars are essentially lighter, with the hole through the center. This creates two surfaces giving the bar a faster sprint rate than that of a solid bar, meaning they rebound faster.
Just the same as a torsion bar, you can only go one direction for so long before something gives.
That was me and suddenly I was being asked to twist the wrong direction.
I never thought Sway would feel the same way, prayed she didn’t feel the same way. The way she trembled from my touch, leaned into my kiss, sighed when I held her, she felt the same as I. That scared me. It was never that I didn’twanther. It was that I didn’twanther to love me.
I kept my promise to Charlie. I didn’t say anything and if I was being honest; I couldn’t have told Sway he was dying anyway. That’s something he needs to say. I can’t even tell the girl I love her let alone tell her something as life altering as that her father is dying.
If that were my dad, I would want him to tell me. Lost in thoughts of Charlie, Sway and torsion bars, Wes came over the speaker to tell me we’d be descending into the Talladega Municipal Airport soon.
When I turned my cell phone back on I noticed a new text message from Sway.
Call me when you land. Good luck at practice.
My stomach churned thinking of her. The cold claw grabbed my insides again and again as I tried to reason with myself, telling me she wasn’t mine. She never was mine. She never would be mine with the lifestyle I had. What could I possible offer her besides complicated?
It’s not my place to get all stomach-achy over her.
I spent the entire plane ride home telling myself I was fine, and I was. I was just trying to relate my life to a sprint car set-up, the only thing that made sense to me.
By the time I reached Talladega that afternoon, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer. Every time I saw her, I wanted more. One kiss left me wanting more, one touch always turned into more. Since Kyle noticed the sexual attraction between us, I thought about it constantly. Maybe she did want to have sex with me. Even the other night when we were on her floor, she didn’t stop me, I did. Believe me; I wanted to continue but it felt wrong. It felt like I was just there for that. I didn’t want her to think I just flew in to fuck her and then leave. Not that we ever had before but it felt too much like that’s what it could be construed as.
I didn’t give much thought to my decision. I only knew I wanted more from her. The only reasonable option was to let it happen naturally. I knew we had a sexual attraction and I saw the way she watched me as well as the way she responded to my touch but I also wasn’t sure it went beyond that. She couldn’t havethosefeelings for me because I’m an asshole. She loved me, that much was obvious, but relationship love, that’s different. I knew well that physical and emotional love was entirely different.
