Page 166 of Trading Paint
I didn’twantto know anything about this Blake guy in fear I’d have more to contemplate. I also didn’twantto like him.
“So you’re like what...her boyfriend?” he asked stepping closer to me.
I smiled despite what I was thinking.
“No. We’re friends,” He gave the impression this was the answer he was looking for, so I panicked and blurted out, “Though I wouldn’t say she’s available.”
Blake nodded.
“I never thought she was. It’s pretty obvious she’s taken.” He said and then walked away.
No matter how hard my heart wanted to let go and allow myselfnotto be in love with her, I just couldn’t. I wished there was a way but at the time, there wasn’t a way, she was and always would be like a security blanket. I couldn’t let go. I didn’t want to either. Just because I depended so much on her wasn’t necessarily wrong. It wasn’t healthy but it was vital for me. Opening up to the idea she could feel the same way, it both petrified and excited me.
Just as I allowed myself to dream, I thought of Charlie and what his sickness would undoubtedly mean for us. We couldn’t be together for the simple fact that we didn’t have time. She was needed in Elma and me, well, I was a puppet with more obligations than most twenty-two year olds could even imagine having.
Tear-offs – Sway
The entire drive back to the airport that morning Jameson didn’t say a word, just stared out the window watching the rain.
The wind had picked up today and each time a strong gust rocked the truck from side-to-side, I watched as his body seemed to tense.
“Are you okay?” I asked entering the parking lot of the airport.
He shrugged instead of answering.
I don’t know what he wanted to say but it seemed like he just couldn’t form the words. When he finally did speak, I wished he hadn’t.
“Your graduation falls on the night of the All-Star race.” He spoke soft and slow, looking directly in my eyes. There was a long pause before he spoke again. “I’m sorry.” Once again, his eyes stayed connected with mine.
Although most people never bothered to, if you looked close enough everything about him shone through his eyes. They saw what they wanted to but I never did. There was fire, fear, a hint of torment and possibly a look of being lost?
I couldn’t tell.
Tears flooded my eyes and spilled over and a whimpering gasp escaped me as I tried to force myself to gain control and not look like a lovesick fool in front of him.
Was it graduation that meant so much?
No, it wasn’t.
It had nothing to do with graduation. It was the fact that he had obligations, obligations I was no longer a part of. Part of me, the irrational pit lizard, wanted to tell him how much I loved him and that I would wait for him to see that we could be perfect for each other but she was quickly ruled out to the logical lucid Sway that recognized that Jameson didn’t need this. He didn’t need irrational clingy Sway. He needed judiciously stable Sway, if she still existed.
“Did I...upset you?” His words were so unsure, so hesitant, that I wanted to lie to him.
I closed my eyes preparing for the conversation and attempting to redeem myself from the mini nervous breakdown I seemed to be having.
“No, you didn’t upset me.” I told him as we sat in the parking lot of the airport. “I just wish you could be there.”
“I wish I could too. You know that it’s hard for me, right? I...don’t like being away from you.” His eyes were careful, the way they were when he was hiding something.
When I didn’t say anything, he continued, his lips pursed as he nodded once and hung his head. “You don’t think it’s hard for me?” He muttered shrewdly.
“I guess I just feel like you have this life now—a life that I’m not a part of.”
I turned my body to face him when he didn’tspeak,surprised by the pained expression he wore.
“You are a part of everything I do. You’re more than just a best friend to me Sway. You’re a part of me whether you want to be or not, it’s just who I’ve become.”
I smiled as a tear slid down my check. He always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. The words were there, I wanted to speak them, tell him how much I loved him...but chariness routed me. I couldn’t form the words. For someone who was determined to live each day to its fullest, I was becoming really good at charlatanry.
