Page 89 of Unbearable
The pain intensifies to the point where I turn to look back out the window. The snow keeps on falling and all I can think is could it be possible that maybe, just maybe, that even though she said she’s not willing to risk being hurt by me again, she still loves me enough to take the leap?
It’s then I know Red’s right. Enough is enough. I need to tell her why I’ve pushed her away so much.
IT’S ONLY MINUTES after Red leaves when a red-faced Raven comes through the door. Her eyes are bloodshot, the sleeves of her gray hoodie pulled down over her hands as she wipes her cheeks. While she’s been crying and I can’t judge whether she’s sad or mad so I figure there’s a fifty-fifty chance I’m going to get yelled at.
I hold up my hand. “Don’t come in here if we’re going to fight. I’m highly medicated and there’s a no fighting policy.”
She laughs and closes the door behind her. “I didn’t come here to fight.” Taking the few steps from the door to the chair Red was just sitting in, she takes my hand in hers. “You scared the crap out of me!”
“Yeah, well,” I chuckle softly, my voice rough from the breathing tube I had, “I scared the crap out of myself and a farmer, apparently.” Truth be told, the reality of my decision is what scares me. And the fact that I wasted so much time with Raven because I thought I knew what she wanted. I don’t know what she wants.
“What happened?” she finally asks, probably curious if I remember anything.
Though the events are hazy, I remember most of what happened in her dorm. It takes me a minute to reply. I’m staring at her face, remembering everything I love about her, and the real possibility that she can walk out of here and I might not ever see her again. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. “I don’t remember all of it, but I know I was pissed off that morning because of what my meds had done and decided fuck it, I’m not taking them anymore. I admit, it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever had.” I blew out a breath and stared at her. “And then I went to see you….”
She gasps, shaking her head in disbelief I made such an irresponsible decision but there’s confusion written all over her face. Probably wondering why I was upset with my medication. She focuses on the bigger issue at hand when she asks, “What the hell were you thinking, Tyler? You could have died.”
“I know.Believeme, I know, but at the time I was just so fucking pissed. Pissed at my parents, pissed at Berkley and so damn pissed at my own body for betraying me. I mean, shit, I literally can’t control my own brain. I was just tired of feeling so out of control of my own life. So yeah, I knew when I didn’t take my meds that morning something could happen.” I stare at my hands instead of her face because the disapproving look she’s handing me, isn’t one I want to see. “But honestly, part of me was okay with that.”
Maybe she understands, or thinks she does, or wants to, but she’ll never truly get it because I can’t explain it.
“I’m just glad you’re gonna be okay,” she says softly, bringing my hand to her lips.
“Are you?” My voice is rough, my gaze on her, waiting.
“God, Tyler, how can you ask that? Of course I care whether you’re okay. You know how I feel.” There’s a sense of pleading in her tone and I know she’s not lying. “Don’t you get it, it’s not about whether I love you. It’s been about you loving me the way I need. You made it clear you didn’t want that and then suddenly you did. It’s all just going to take some time for me to catch up.”
I’m not sure how to tell her this, so I blurt it out. “There’s something I’m not telling you, something I should have been honest with you about when I figured out my feelings in the first place.”
Her face pales. “What? You’re not really dying, are you?”
“No, nothing like that.” My hand slides slowly across the white blanket, to the very edge where she takes it. “Do you remember when I walked into Murphy’s that night and you asked me what I was drinking away with a bottle of whiskey and I wouldn’t answer you?” She nods so I continue, our eyes locked on one another, “That afternoon I had just found out that the medicine I’m on for my epilepsy caused me to become infertile. I had gotten the results back about an hour before I saw you. And not only that, but it meant that Berkley had cheated on me.”
For a moment, Raven remains quiet, soaking in what I just told her and her expression is completely unreadable and it drives me fucking insane that I can’t hear her thought process. I desperately want to know her reaction to it. Was it anything like mine when I found out? Probably not but I remember the knotting in my stomach, the way my heart raced and the haze of confusion that took over. It was almost as if I didn’t know myself anymore.
Raven tilts her head ever so slightly, her only indication she actually heard anything I said to her. My heart races, the monitor beside the bed a clear indication I’m nervous.
Raven blinks, twice, and then reaches for my hand. “God, Tyler. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what that must be like for you.”
Relief washes over me but my mind clouds with uneasiness. Mostly because she’s not upset, though I still think she has a right to be and maybe that’s coming later, but for now, I’ll take what she’s giving me. “I thought I knew what I didn’t want, but I was wrong,” I say the words tentatively as if I’m testing them out. “I didn’t want to fall in love with you because I didn’t want to get hurt. And I didn’t want to hurt you in the process, but I did.” It’s that moment, the one where I have to breathe deeply before continuing to keep from crying and when I do, the words tremble like my heart, knowing this girl, she’s the one. Maybe she always has been and it took this to see it. “I thought the best thing for you would be to find someone else because I couldn’t give you the life you deserve, but the truth is I can’t do it. I’m too selfish. I want you. Hell, Ineedyou and even though the thought of you someday changing your mind and realizing you want more than I can give scares the shit out of me, but I can’t find it within myself to truly let you go.”
Just as I expect, anger rises up in her and her cheeks flush. “I should be totally fucking pissed at you right now for putting me through all this. And if you didn’t just have brain surgery I’d totally punch you in the face.” My eyes are wide when she leans in and yanks my hand into hers holding it tightly. I’m not sure what she’s about to do but she surprises me when she takes a calming breath. “At this point in my life, I’m not ready for kids either and if I am in the future, we’ll discuss our options then.” Her face is full of strength, shining with a steadfast and serene peace that reminds me of Lyric. “I know it means something to you to father your own, but if it’s not a possibility, it’s just not. We work around it.” Tears spill down her cheeks, and my emotions return, my throat and chest tightening. “I’m not saying no to a relationship with you, because you’re the only one I want, but I’m not saying yes just yet. I think we’ve been through too much to just jump back into things so suddenly. Would you be okay with us taking it slow, just for now?”
I’m such a fucking idiot.
I breathe out the heavy breath I’d been holding. “Yeah, I can take it slow.”
She can barely control her crying. It’s bordering on hysterical when I give her an emotional chuckle and pull her into my arms. I want to sink to my knees at the thought of losing her.
“I’m sorry, Tyler. For everything I said.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. We both said things we didn’t mean. But I have to ask, Raven, what is it that you want?” I ask, my voice uneven as if I’m nearing tears too and I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually asked her what she wanted.
“I wantyou. I do. If these last two days taught me anything, it’s that there’s no question about it. I’m in love with you.” She holds up her hand. “I still want to take it slow though. We have a lot of things to work out but I know that I want you.”
Nodding, I draw back, my hands cupping her cheeks. “What part?”
She sighs, smiling. “All of you.”
