Page 88 of Unbearable
Damn. I had it revoked when I was eighteen for a seizure and I knew getting it back was a bitch. You had to go three to six months without a seizure and then go through a shitload of tests just to get it back.
He clears his throat. “I don’t think I have to tell you but your job requires you to have a valid driver’s license.”
I nod, because I know this. You don’t think about the consequences when it’s happening but the aftermath can be brutal.
His stare remains on mine. “You covered for me when I needed you and I’m gonna do the same for you. You’re not losing your job. We’ll figure something out.”
I nod again, relief washing over me. Drawing in another shaky breath, I say, “I’m sorry, man. I know I’ve fucked up big time but I’ll be damned if I know how I let it get this bad.” Tears sting my eyes and it fucking pisses me off that I can’t control my emotions.
“We’ll get through this.” He chuckles, leaning back in the chair beside the bed. “At least you weren’t shot, man.”
I try to laugh but it hurts my head. “Yeah, there’s that.”
“Seriously though, Tyler, what’s been going on with you? You’ve been in a downward spiral for months and honestly, you’ve got us worried.”
Ever since Red was shot, he’s tried to be more open and accessible. Talking about feelings was never our thing but I guess something changes in you when you’ve looked death in the face.
“I don’t know, man. It’s just been one thing after another. After Berkley lost the baby and left me, I went to my parents’ house to tell them about everything that was going on.” I take a deep breath. Telling Red is the right thing. He deserves to know why I’ve been acting the way I have but once I say it, once it’s out there, there’s no taking it back. “So a month later, I told my mom about Berkley and losing the baby and how upset I was because I was excited about starting a family.”
Turning away from him, I gaze at my hands, not wanting to see his expression when I share this next part.
“I expected her to be upset too. I figured being a grandma was something she would be excited about and to lose the chance before she even knew she had it would be hard. But, man, was I wrong. Instead of disappointment in losing the baby, she told me that Berkley couldn’t have been pregnant with my baby because my epilepsy medication would more than likely make me sterile. So basically my mom casually informed me that not only would I most likely never be a father, but that my girlfriend of six years cheated on me and got pregnant by some other douchebag then proceeded to tell me it was mine.”
Taking a deep breath, I return my stare to Red’s and when I do, I’m surprised to see no pity or sadness, but anger.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell didn’t your parents tell you this before?” I know that tone. It’s Red’s protective growl and even though it may make me sound like a pussy, it makes me happy to know someone is on my side. “Yeah, well I asked that same question and apparently they didn’t think it was important enough of a detail to tell me when I was younger and then over time, the right moment for them to tell their son he is most likely sterile never presented itself.”
Red sits for a minute, I assume taking in everything I’ve said, before he leans forward. “Wait, you said that the medication would more than likely make you infertile, but how can you be sure? Maybe you’re the exception.”
Shaking my head, I return my gaze to my hands. “No. I went and got tested after my mom dropped the bomb and the doctors were right. I’m shooting blanks. Would have been nice to know when I was in high school and spent a shit ton of money on condoms.” I try to smile, making light of a difficult conversation, but I don’t have it in me.
He sighs, his arms crossed over his chest. “So who the fuck’s baby was Berkley carrying?”
“I don’t know for sure but I have my suspicions.” I clench my hands into fists. I’ve gone over this in my head at least a hundred times and the only name that keeps coming to mind is Rawley. He’s been fucking her for months. Who’s to say it didn’t start before we broke up? But would he really do something like that? Did he have it in him?
Red knows me and the look on my face. “I know what you’re thinking, Tyler, and I just can’t believe Rawley would do that. Yeah, he’s been acting like a real dick lately, but he’s known you most of his life and I can’t believe he would cross that line with you.”
I shake my head. “Does it really matter? She cheated, got pregnant and then had the fucking nerve to tell me it was mine. I don’t know that I would hold it against him if it was him, you know. I’m more upset that she didn’t value the six years we were together and threw it away. She probably didn’t even know who the damn father was.”
Red’s quiet for a moment, the two of us looking at the snow falling outside. It’s late in the year for it to snow, but apparently the weather was like me and couldn’t get it’s shit together either.
“Okay, so I get why you’ve been acting so off lately but what about Raven? Does she know about this?” Red looks over at me, waiting for an answer.
It’s the first we’ve talked about Raven since that conversation in the bar. The one where he hit me for fucking his little sister. Part of me doesn’t want to say anything. I’m pretty sure being hit today would suck, but I know he wants to know. “No, I haven’t told her,” I say, my stare on my IV in my hand “Honestly, it’s why I tried to avoid having a real relationship with her for so long. How can I ask her to give up a chance to have a family just to be with me? I mean she’s twenty years old. She’s in college. She shouldn’t be making decisions like this before getting to really find out what she wants.”
“Tyler, I think we both know that my sister doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “Don’t you think you owe it to her to make up her own mind? How do you even know she wants kids? You need to tell her about this.”
“That’s just it. I don’t. I haven’t told her my reasoning. And I don’t think at twenty, she knows what she wants either,” I tell him. “How can she? What if I tell her and she doesn’t care now, but what happens five or even ten years from now when she sees some couple pushing a stroller down the street and all of a sudden it hits her that she wants that but she’s trapped with a man who can’t give it to her? What then?”
Red raises his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it slowly and then lets out a deep breath. “Raven has always been what my grandma used to call an old soul. Ever since she was young, she was always so much more mature and capable of making decisions that were well thought out. Hell, my dad used to joke that she sucked all of the maturity and common sense out of Rawley in the womb. I think you need to give her more credit. She knows what she wants, always has.”
I laugh lightly. He’s absolutely right. But it doesn’t change what I said to her. “Yeah, well that’s probably not an option now anyway. Before the crash I went to her dorm room to talk to her and we had a pretty big argument. I left after she told me she didn’t want me in her life anymore so I don’t think whether I can have kids really matters to her.”
He gives a nod to the door, a slow decisive lift of his chin. “Well, judging by the way she acted while waiting to hear from your doctors, I’m gonna call bullshit on that, but that’s between you two. Talk to her, man.”
There’s a pain deep inside my chest when I hear that. “She’s here?” After our argument, I didn’t think she would have come. Not that I remember everything that was said, but I know shit got ugly.
“She’s been here for two days. Hasn’t left once.”
