Page 68 of Unbearable
Lenny laughs, standing up and handing me the ice pack again, urging me to put it on my face. “Put this on your face. It’s swelling.”
When Lenny leaves, I know I have some explaining to do, and I hate having to do that. It’s probably why I try not to on all accounts because really, what am I going to say to Raven?
“I’m an asshole with extreme commitment issues, oh, and by the way, I love you so much but please don’t want a baby or leave me. ‘Cause I can’t handle that.”
Hell, I didn’t really want to tell anyone that.
Letting Raven into my life meant I was taking her choice to have a baby away from her. Would she be okay with that? Could I let her be okay with such a big decision at such a young age?
I don’t know about her choices, but I do know I’m in love with her. I have feelings for her that run deeper than friends do. I can’t say it started out that way. It didn’t for me. I honestly went into this intending to forget about all the shit in my life. But it was bound to happen eventually and I think I knew that risk going into it. Still didn’t stop me from doing it.
What I’ve been denying? Loving her is as automatic as breathing. Every inhale, I fall deeper. Every exhale, it goes deeper, wrapping itself around every part of my being. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to.
After Lenny leaves, Red comes upstairs. I decide then I’m not telling him about the no-fathering children thing. I already told Lenny and I don’t feel like discussing it with Red.
He sits down at the table. “I don’t mind that you kicked his ass, because let’s face it, he needed it. But what the hell was that?”
I don’t have an answer for him. Instead, I slide the bottle of whiskey over to him.
He shakes his head. “I still have work to do. Explain.”
“I don’t even know what happened down there. It just got heated. I’m not even sure we were even mad at each other, or just everything else.” Rawley pissed me off. He did. But at some point while we were throwing punches, I begin to think it had nothing to do with him. It was just a way to get some of that aggression out.
Red eyes the whiskey, and then me. “You and Raven okay?”
“We’re….” I draw in a shaking breath. “I don’t know what we are. She wants more than friends and I don’t know if I can give that right now.”
He waits for me to say more and when I don’t he asks, “Because of Berkley?”
“I just… I can’t do that again.” I know it’s a blanket response but I leave it at that for a reason.
“So what… did you knock my sister up or something?” He’s teasing. I know he is because if he thought I got Raven pregnant, he’d probably hit me again.
“No. That’s the least of your worries with me.”
Thankfully, he doesn’t catch on.
