Page 36 of Unbearable
The truth is, I’m so far past fine I don’t even know how to find fine again. All this shit with Raven and Berkley and my parents are weighing on me. For the first six months with Raven, I didn’t think much about what happened with my parents and the whole Berkley thing. I focused on having fun and enjoying being with someone in the simplest of terms. But now she wants more and the fact that I can’t give her more pisses me off and throws everything back up in my face.
I’ve grown up knowing there’s certain things in my life and my body I would never have control over. I’ll be taking seizure medication for the rest of my life. Even without forgetting my meds, I still have them on occasion.
My point is, for years I’ve struggled with not wanting anyone to know. Mostly because I’m out of control when they happen, vulnerable to everything and everyone around me. For the longest time I had a hard time just thinking I was normal, because truthfully I wasn’t. I had to rely on pills for my brain to function properly and not drop to the ground in front of anyone.
And then after my breakup with Berkley, my mom tells me the medication I thought made me as close to normal as I could be took away any chance I had at having a family.
Just as I’m going over this in my head, fucking Berkley shows up.
I reach for the glass Zack must have put in front of me while I was having my pity party and down the amber liquid. I can’t remember how many I’ve had but the burn of the whiskey making its way down my throat is a relief.
An hour later, I’m still sitting at the bar when Zack asks, “Another one?”
I stare at the glass long enough to know I don’t need another, because I can’t tell whether the glass is full or empty.
“Nah, I’m done.” I throw down enough cash to cover my drinks and get up to leave. Just then, Berkley comes to stand in front of me, way too close for my comfort.
“What’s with you and Raven?” Berkley asks suddenly, her hand over mine like she’s ready to be there for me should I want to open my heart to her. That’s long gone. It left when I found out she cheated on me.
“It’s none of your business.”
“Can’t you just talk to me and look at me? I just want to talk. We were together for six years it’s the least you could do.”
The least I could do?What a fucking bitch.
“So I’ll ask again… you and Raven? I mean, I’m happy for you.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I heard you and her were dating. I mean, she’s a little young for you but whatever.”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”
“I’m just trying to have a conversation with you, Ty.” She lifts her hand and rests it on mine on the bar. “I just want us to be friends.”
I rip my hand away from hers. “Friends? We were never fuckingfriends. Maybe that’s part of our problem. We went from fucking to living together and never became friends.”
“You can’t say that,” she snaps, scowling at me, her words so sharp she probably wishes they could cut me. “You were happy when we were together.”
“Maybe so but friends don’t go behind friend’s backs and fuck around after six years.”
She’s shocked by my words because all this time she thinks her reasoning for our breakup was justified. She miscarried and needed to find herself. It wasn’t the truth.
Standing, I brush my body along hers. “Fuck your friendship. You wanna be friends, go suck Rawley’s dick. I’m sure he’s up for it.”
My gaze hardens, letting her know I’m serious and then I walk away, toward the door to where Rawley’s grinning, two chicks on his arms.
“What the fuck are you smiling at?”
He holds up his hands after slipping his cell phone in his pocket. “Nothin’, man.”
Nothing my ass.
I think about texting Raven when I leave because in the reality of all this, she’s the only one who hasn’t fucked me over. She’s honest and pure and loves me simply because she does. There’s nothing wrong with that either and in a way, it helps that she does.
I want that night with Raven for the first time back, that overwhelming sensation of her underneath me. I want that feeling I had of being completely at ease with her. Undoubtedly, I’m regretting not talking to her these last few weeks.
Fuck. I need her.
