“When I thought I was some nor— Well, not normal, but straight guy, everything in my life was so much easier. And I knew that it wasn’t going to get easy overnight. That maybe it won’t ever get easy. Definitely not as easy as before. Most of our dads and brothers will still be like yours tomorrow. No offense.”
“No, please. Offend them. They need it sometimes.”
“But Vale and I wanted to try. So we did. And now it’s over because of me, and I’m not doing great.”
“I’m sorry that things didn’t work out. I always thought that you two were pretty perfect for each other. He always seemed so happy. And if it meant I never had to watchLoganwith him again, or that new cartoon X-Men, you were doing me a favor.”
Another laugh, an actual one, comes out this time. And, while the weight is still there, my shoulders start feeling a little bit lighter.
“We are.Were.I miss him. And every time I look at those trophies, it’s a reminder of what I’ve had to give up. So, yeah, thanks for the congrats. Really. But I’m having a hard time being happy about them.”
“Gabi,” she says, her head at an angle, eyes like she’s about to speak some truth. And, with her pulling out my actual name like when my mom says Gabriel Cualli, I know she’s not playing around. “Do you really think you got those awards or titles or whatever because everyone around you thinks you’re straight? Do you think that was the deciding factor?”
“I—no, but—”
“No.Exactly. They gave you those trophies not because you were the best at pretending to be straight but because out of a whole field of boys kicking a ball around, you are the best at it. You are an overachiever. An overaccomplisher when it comes to this game. You don’t stop. They gave you those trophies because you are as good as people say you are. They aren’t lying. I promise.”
“Yeah, but what if it’s still not enough?”
“Replace thatitwithyou. And then ask yourself that again. And keep asking yourself that question until you get to the same answer I would give you and I know Vale would give you. He sees you. And I know that he would do anything to convince you that there is not a hurdle in this world you cannot overcome. I know they’re big. But you’re bigger.AndI realize how that cameout, and we’re going to ignore it; we will not be getting off topic. We’re especially not getting off topic to talk about your … yeah.”
Leana hops off the gate, tossing the ball onto the bed and giving me one last look, her gaze as intent as ever. She holds her hands out and clears her throat when I take more than two seconds to realize she wants me to grab them. “Soccer—football, whatever—isyourdream, Gabi. Don’t let other people define it for you. Don’t let anyone tell you what your dreams are. They’reyours. Shape them into the reality you want for yourself. Otherwise, who the hell are you even getting out of bed in the morning for?”
She lets my hands go and starts walking back toward her apartment. Taking a few steps before shouting, “Jesus—I was supposed to go get an ice cream from the Valero. Futbolistas always distracting me. You want to come with? You’re buying for the pep talk.”
And I smile as I hop down too, her words still ringing in my ear. But, also, “You want ice cream when it’s this cold outside?”
“Cold weather always makes me want ice cream. Now answer the question. You coming?”
“Yeah. Sure. Let’s go get you an ice cream.”
I want to look at myself and see the me that Pops sees.
That Pérez and Kat see.
That Leana sees.
That Vale sees.
I stand in my bathroom, my hands on the counter, and look at myself in the mirror. At tired, lost eyes. At someone who wants to fight for all the parts of me I’ve always known and loved and been defined by just as much as the parts that I’ve only recently learned were there. Parts that deserve love too.
What if it’s not enough?
“What ifI’mnot enough?”
Why do I believe that so intensely?
“What if I’m not good enough?”
I want to be.
It will be so hard.
Nuestra gente, nos padres, nos tíos, nos primos, none of them are going to want their kid wearing a kit with the name of a maricón on the back of it.
“What if I’m not good enough?”
You always have been.
