I’m more scared than I’ve ever been. I’m changing in real time, and maybe, just like growth spurts, I should’ve expected this to be a little painful. Coolidge and Pops all, “Just you wait,” and here I am, as someone who is, by the minute, becoming a person who is so different from who I was a year ago or even only a few months ago. Who’s realizing all these times in my life that I thought were purely inconsequential, not anything that defines me, were actually little hints that would eventually show me a part of myself that had been chilling in the back somewhere this whole time.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” he answers. “I am.”
Sitting here with Vale, those scary parts don’t seem so terrifying. The idea of embracing the change feels exciting, actually. And, with him, it feels okay to acknowledge that I’m getting my bearings here. It’s okay to admit that I am and very much like being bi. Especially right now, Ireallylike being bi.
I wish I could give him more. I wish I could tell the world and know I’ll only receive good back. I wish he could experience the down-bad romantic side of me that every girl I’ve ever talked to and got to exist with out in the open saw. That I could hold him or kiss him in public without worrying about what everyone else thinks.
“I want to be where you find happiness too.”
“You are,” Vale says. “More than I ever could’ve imagined that first night I met you.”
“And if I tell you I want you to be mine?”
“Then I will be. For as long as I can.”
My dreams have to come first. Always. But, as I kiss Vale, as we roll over and he lies underneath me, his legs coming up and around my hips as one kiss turns into many, I can’t imagine being okay without him. I can’t imagine being okay giving him up.
I want a while. I want as long as I can get. And I kiss him with that same desperation and need. I kiss his neck and shoulders, my mouth leaving a mark on his clavicle, on his side, at his hips. Places no one will see when he’s wearing a shirt, but he’ll know they’re there. Every time he undresses, he’ll see them and remember me telling him I want him to be mine.
I tickle him and let every laugh he lets out scratch a part of my brain that only he’s ever been able to reach. I kiss his palms and the inside of his thighs—leaving another mark there. I kiss down his spine and let my tongue trail down farther and fartheruntil he’s moaning my name while I’m eating him out. And then, with less technique than he has but a lot of enthusiasm (paired with a couple fingers going wild on his prostate), I suck him off until his legs are shaking and I’m swallowing him down.
Vale, with a wanting smile, tells me, “Your turn,” taking his time with me as I sit with my back against the wall, bringing me right to the edge with his mouth before coming up for air and kissing up and down my body. Over and over again until I can’t even speak coherently, begging him to keep going, my entire body shaking, and I nearly black out coming down his throat for what feels like entire minutes.
And then we shower, with so much more kissing, and I hold Vale under the water, my face in his neck, gently pressing my lips there, eyes closed, committing last night and this morning to memory.
Because when this ultimately hits a wall, I want to remember that it was good. That it was perfect. That I embraced change. I’ve escaped the cave. I’ve seen the sun.
And it is beautiful and good.
22
“I WANT TO TELLKat,” I say, watching Vale get dressed, opting for one of my crewnecks instead of the shirt he was wearing before the party yesterday. It looks good on him, that sweater/running shorts combo. I like him in my clothes. I like seeing him bring the fabric up to his nose and smile as he smells me on it.
“About us?”
“Yeah. And that they were right about me.”
He picks his head up, mouth a little open like he was halfway to saying something before the words caught on his lips. “What are they right about?”
“They basically asked if I was bi. Or, like, a person who liked guys. Specifically you.”
“What did you tell them?”
“At the time? That I was straight, of course. Way back when I thought I couldn’t get you off my mind because that was just Ally of the Year things. When I’d look at you wearing my jacketduring my games and think, ‘I like seeing him wear it for purely straight reasons.’ ”
“Well maybe next time we have some alone time,” Vale starts, walking over to me sitting on my desk chair, straddling me and then sitting on my lap. His hands clasp at my neck and mine go straight through the legs of his shorts, under his briefs, and to his butt. “I can wear the jacket for you. Andonlythe jacket.”
“Ya,”I groan, my head falling back to hide how big I’m smiling. “I told you, you’re going to make me act up. My fingers are going to end up back inside you real quick if you don’t stop. Shit, I’ll throw you back on that bed and have my way with you.”
He takes the opportunity to press small kisses to my neck and up across my jawline. “I like having this kind of power,” he whispers into my ear before nibbling on the lobe, getting a nerve between his teeth that must connect to straight to my dick the way I can’t help grind up into him.
“Demonio. You should’ve been wearing the devil costume last night, you know that?”
Vale chuckles and finally relaxes, resting on me. It’s not the most comfortable. This chair that came with the rest of the furniture the complex provides already isn’t the comfiest by any means. But I’d power through an afternoon like this with him.
“So you’re okay if I tell them about us?”
