I can’t bring myself to finish that thought. To say anything. As much as I can feel Vale waiting for me to.
“Gabi, you—even if that’s true, I need you to be the one that says it. I’m not going to sit here and put words in your mouth. I’m not going to assume anything about tonight or the past few weeks.” He finally reaches a hand out and lets it fall over mine. And just that touch nearly breaks me with how much I both want it and, only twenty minutes ago, was so terrified to be seen wanting it. “But I am listening. And I’m here for you for whatever you need to let out and whenever you’re ready to.”
I can’t help it. My head falls down on his shoulder. I seek out that sweet smell of his cologne. He maneuvers himself so he can hug me, his other hand coming to my back and lightly scratching up and down as he tells me, “It’s okay. I promise you, it’s okay.”
“I thought I had myself entirely figured out before I met you,” I say. The words come out a lot sharper than I wanted them to. Like I’m some scared little punk. Someone who’s never been more scared and who’s mad about it, as truly not mad I am about what I’ve found out. I’m mad because, “I can’t—this can’t be my truth. I’m bi, Vale. It’s like I was hit with this fact about myself,like it’s just been hiding out in the back of my brain for my whole life until now. Like I only just now found out how locked away I’ve forced it to be. But it can’t matter. I can’t … I can’t be bi.”
His hand that’s been on top of mine comes up too, and he fully hugs me now, wrapping me in his arms. It’s not tight, just enough to be comforting, his fingers scratching from up where my hairline starts down to the middle of my back. And I hug him too, letting out a sigh, feeling the skin of our torsos pressing together, battling thoughts ofThis feels really goodandWhat am I doing here?andPlease don’t let me go.
“It’s scary,” he says, just loud enough for me to hear. “I know it can be scary. I know that … that wondering what life will actually look like when we accept it ourselves can put some pretty dark hypotheticals in our heads. And we might walk into some really dark and ugly realities. But I’m here, Gabi. As long as you want me to stay, I’m here. You can tell me as much as you want. You can feel what you need to feel. And I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.”
I nod into his skin, trying to remember to take deep breaths.
“Or,” Vale continues, “if you need space, if you want to be left alone right now, just tell me. I won’t be hurt about it. I—”
“No,” I nearly shout. “I’m sorry. It’s just so fucking much, but no. Please. Please don’t leave. Or—”
“Or what?” Vale asks after a few seconds of silence.
“Don’t leave me. For good.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
We sit in silence. Maybe for only a few seconds, maybe for entire minutes. Until finally, I let the words out: “I’ve been wanting to kiss you again for a long time.”
He tightens his hug, one of his hands coming to the back of my head and gently scratching. “I’ve been wanting you to kiss me again for a long time.”
I let out a sigh, wanting to just let myself feel how good it is to be held by him. To hold him back. “Vale, I—I’m scared. I’m scared because I can’t be that stupid again and kiss you in a crowd of hundreds of people knowing any one of them might know who I am. Even dancing with you, if the wrong teammate had seen—if Barrera had seen—I’ve got to think about my future. My entire future.”
“Except for this part?”
I move back, making some space between us again. Looking right into his eyes when I tell him, “Yeah. Except for this part. It doesn’t—me kissing you in front of a thousand people and me wearing an El Tri kit aren’t two dreams that can coexist. I can’t give you want you want. I can’t give myself what I want.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to keep kissing you. I want to touch you. I want—fuck, Vale.” My hand goes up, cradling his cheek, ignoring the tear going down mine. My thumb traces his lips again. And in my head I curse the whole world for making me pick between those lips and the sport I love. “I want this to not matter to people.”
“I want all of that too, Gabi.” And now there’s a tear trailing down his face as he shakes his head left and right. “I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to sit by you in class three times a week knowing that we’re just doing our best to ignore what we feel for each other. What I feel for you. If there’s a chance to have any of you to myself—even if it gets me hurt—I want that. I’ve wanted that ever since the first time I saw you, hoping you’d kiss me.”
“Did you know, back then?” I ask him.
He shakes his head again. “No. I didn’t. I will admit, when I saw your room for the first time and the Frank Ocean vinyls on your wall—”
“Okay.I get it. There were probably some obvious hints.” I’m thankful that that forces a smile out of me. A little huff of laughter even as I shake my head.
“And I was, really, perfectly fine being your friend. I promise. Even if there were moments where I couldn’t help but wonder. But it’s not like I’ve never had straight friends who let themselves give off some fruity vibes when we would hang out. Honestly, I think it’s healthy when they’re actually that comfortable; their own way of being an ally. But then you kissed me again and, I—I hate that some part of you feels like pretending it never happened has to be your only option. That you have to keep part of you buried.”
“I don’t want to.”
Vale’s hands go to my head, gently pulling me down so my forehead is resting against his, our eyes closed as we listen to the sound of our breath for a second.
“What if, for tonight, you ignored that. Whatever’s holding you back, all the voices saying you can never have everything you want; don’t listen to them. Just be present, here with me. Because I want to keep kissing you too. I want you to touch me. I want to touch you too. I want everything you’ll let me have. Everything you can give me. And I want to give you everything you want.”
I know if I give in, there’s no way this ends with tonight. I’m not made for a one-and-done situation, especially with someone who’s already spending all day hanging out in my head.
But my heart (dick) is louder than my brain right now.
It’s like I’m in Plato’s cave, looking over my shoulder and seeing something like light in the distance. And I want to know what it is. Maybe it’ll burn me. But maybe it won’t. Maybe it will be good.
