“Was that sarcasm?”
“Nope. Promise.”
I stand in silence, staring at the mirror at the far side of the room. At myself. Did Kat watch me looking at him and see the words “I jacked off while thinking about this guy sitting next tome and honestly it was kind of great” written big and red across my face? Was it so obvious to them how Vale’s actually, since then, become a regular guest star when I’m stroking one out, and, at this point, I’m not really trying to stop it? At first it was more of a “surely I couldn’t actually get off thinking about himagain, right?”
I did. I very much did. And I have beena lotsince then. Had to order a whole new bottle of lube and another set of hand towels so I’m not having to constantly wash the three I was rotating through.
But that doesn’t mean Iactuallywant something with him. There are lots of other people I could think about and they’d have no problem getting me to nut. And it’s not as if Vale’s the first guy I’ve ever jacked off to. He just happens to be in my head a lot already.
And, “We’re just friends. I … I’m—”
We are. That’s the truth. Even if there’s something in my gut that’s, for the first time, uncomfortable with thinking of Valeas my friend.
Kat nods back as they softly tell me, “Okay. Again, I’m sorry if I crossed a line. We’re good, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, just as quietly. “But I—I need to go. Is that cool?”
“Of course, Gabo. I can put up the weights. I’ll see you later.”
We’re good. No freaking out whatsoever. No nearly tripping over a mat on the way out. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Nothing at all.
What did Kat do to me?
It feels like a Band-Aid’s been ripped off me before the bleeding has slowed down, and now there’s nothing to stop it. Butalso like I didn’t even realize there’s been a Band-Aid on me until right now. I didn’t realize there was a part of me trying to bleed out and now there’s red everywhere.
And now it’s three in the morning, I’m wide awake, and I’ve been sitting at the kitchen island for I don’t know how long, staring at my Stanley, full of water still from when I filled it at some point before I sat down. I’m here instead of in my bed, asleep, because, obviously, everything is great and perfect and normal. This is exactly what I do whenever I’m not on the verge of panicking. Freaking out? Couldn’t be me.
What did Kat fucking do to me?
I know I like girls. I like girls a lot. I know all the things that attract me to girls. With Leana, for example, it’d be an easy list to fill out.
“Actually,” I mutter, reaching over for my phone and pulling up the Notes app. I’m going to do this super officially, so that way I can see it in front of me. I typeThings I liked about Leanaat the top and then start going.
1.I like her smile.
2.I like the way she teases me.
3.I like how expressive she gets when she talks about something she’s interested in.
4.I like the way everything felt grounded for a while when I was with her.
5.How I couldn’t help but smile anytime I thought about her.
6.How easy everything felt with her.
7.How good it felt kissing her.
8.How hot she is.
And just because I’m feeling like it wouldn’t hurt to mention, even just to myself—
9.I like how good she looked with her legs on my shoulders.
10.And how nice my name sounded coming out of her mouth.
There. I could go further, no doubt, but this is a good start. Getting any further into double digits might look obsessive if someone found this. I give it a look over, and, yeah, it’s not like Vale would check off all these too. That would be wild.
