Please come home and talk to me. I’m so worried about you and the baby.
I love you, Haz. I love you so much and I’m so sorry.
Come home and let me look after you.
Can I come and see you? How can we move forward if we don’t talk?
It isn’t what you think. There were never feelings there on my behalf.
I told Rose she was never to speak to us again. Please, Haz. At least answer your phone.
The rest were pretty much the same thing, just in different words. I had no idea what I was going to do. Thinking logically was a strain, and I tried to clear my mind by binge-watching trashy television shows, but there were triggers everywhere. So many shows had cheating, or people flirting with third parties. I ended up watching a dog training show. Animals don’t betray people like that. On the third day, I was out of clothes and didn’t fancy rewashing and wearing the same two outfits for eternity. I had to return home; therefore, I needed a game plan. I wasn’tready to listen to Blake. What if he was just drip-feeding me info and each conversation led to a new revelation? Just a kiss would turn into full sex. Full sex would turn into declarations of “I love you.” Eventually, I would want every sordid detail, but for now, I was in self-protection mode. He obviously was dying to explain things, yet another selfish move on his part. He wanted to feel better. To get things off his chest. I wanted to just rot for a while until I was strong enough to face the truth. He was the one at fault, so why should I put myself in more pain so he can feel better? Not my actions, not my problem.
I’d always thought it was a bit fluffy when people needed “time” to think about their feelings. They’reyourfeelings, surely you know them. But I get it now. There are so many competing feelings. Shock, anger, betrayal, confusion, and self-doubt. There’s not even the capacity to think about the future. You get so bogged down in what you feel right now, and every different feeling is butting up and pushing the other feelings out. It’s hard to separate them. What is the true source of my anger? The kiss? And was it really just a tongue-less, unreciprocated peck? How can you believe someone who’s been shamelessly lying to your face? His discussion about my dad cut deeper than the kiss. It seemed like a deeper betrayal. I was angry at his audacity to gaslight and manipulate me, but somehow he’d justified it all his head. What kind of person did that? Not someone I could have a future with. Did he need to be a knight in shining armor for someone? What about the next time an attractive woman needs help with a broken-down car or a plumbing issue? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life checking his phone and looking over my shoulder.
I needed to sort out all my feelings. Get to the root of what I was most angry about and whether I could live with it. That realization led me to the only possible conclusion. He had to leave the house. At least until I was ready to talk to him. He’dnever just exist in the same house as me without pleading his case, so he had to go. He could move in with Mick for a while. Sean wasn’t an option, unless he wanted to be punched in the face. He could move to Colin’s if he wanted to deal with an angry, confused old man and his wannabe lover. Or perhaps his real lover. Who knew at this point.
He wasn’t home when I arrived back at the house.Our house, I thought. Rose’s car was in her drive. Bitch. Did she see me out the window? Did she know I’d been gone for two days? Had she come over to “comfort” him?
I unpacked and ran my clothes through the wash. By 5:15, I was sitting on the sofa, showered and in my pajamas. I was planning to order something from Uber for dinner and allow myself yet another few hours of the dog training show. I was very invested in what would happen to Petal the labrador. She was a very naughty girl, and her parents were at their wit’s end. She seemed to not be able to control her urges. Ugh, another trigger. Sounds like someone I know.
I heard Blake’s car pull up and he seemed to be in the house in record time. He wandered over to kiss me and I pulled my face back. Keep those filthy fucking lips off me, I thought.
“Haz, I’m so glad you’re home. Let me cook dinner and we’ll talk.”
“No, I’m ordering in.”
“Okay, your choice of dinner. I can pick it up if you like,” he offered eagerly.
“No, you misunderstand. I’m ordering in. You’re going to pack your shit and leave,” I said, not taking my eyes off the television. Oh Petal, you’re a naughty girl. You need to listen to the dog trainer and you’ll get a treat.
“What? Please, Haz. We need to talk. I know we can sort this all out if we just talk,” he pleaded.
“No, get out. I need time.” My voice was firm, but I’m sure my puffy red eyes gave me away.
“Where will I go? I’ll sleep in the guest room, Haz, but I won’t leave you. I can’t leave you,” he replied desperately.
“You can go to Mick’s. Or Rose’s. Probably Rose’s is more convenient. It’s just across the road after all,” I said nastily.
“I’m not going to Rose’s. I told you, I told her to leave us alone. I haven’t spoken to her since. You can check my phone,” he rasped.
“What would the point in that be? You have a habit of deleting messages, so why would I trust your phone?”
He ran his hand through his hair.
“I’m so sorry, Haz. I’m so sorry for everything. For telling her stuff I shouldn’t have. For letting her kiss me. For missing your appointment. For not telling you about that. And anything else I’ve done to hurt you these last few weeks. Just don’t make me leave.”
I sat silently for a while.
“Leave. If you don’t, I will. And that isn’t fair because I’m comfortable here and I’ve done nothing wrong,” I said stonily. “And you wanting to talk is all aboutyouwanting to feel better. Wanting to return to your normal life that you blew up with your fucking stupidity and lies. That’s not my issue.”
He hung his head and stood there.
“Okay, I’ll go to Mick’s. But answer when I call you, please. I’m worried about you. About the baby.”
“Bye.” That’s all he was going to get from me. I need space and time, and he was intruding on both.
Chapter 9. Rose – Happy families
