Page 33 of Second Chance Summer
Once again, the guilt assailed her. She felt that constant need – a compulsion – to be busy yet she was slowly accepting that there were boundaries between work and relaxation.When she returned to London, she had to give herself permission to spend some time on herself – with herself.
‘I always thought that Cara was the maternal, caring one. She was destined to be a mother and find a gorgeous, kind husband. Her work as a paediatric nurse was a huge part of her life and personality,’ Lily went on. ‘Whereas I’ve always been driven. Mum says that from a young age I’d get a bee in my bonnet about something and there was no stopping me. At first it was making clothes for my dolls. I once made a little boilersuit and welding mask for my Barbie.’
Sam smiled. ‘I’d like to have seen that.’
‘The twins – Cara’s daughters – still have it, though it’s tatty now. I also made a rainbow playsuit for Ken but I think that disintegrated.’
‘Lucky Ken.’ He laughed.
‘Then it was sewing pouches and bags … I even had a go at pottery and the house was filled with wonky bowls and mugs. The handle fell off my dad’s one morning while he was drinking hot coffee. I can still picture him hopping around the kitchen trying to rip off his boiling shorts.’
Sam’s eyes shone with amusement. ‘I’m guessing you gave up the pottery?’
‘Mum and Dad gently suggested my talents lay in other areas. So, I went for the market stall and the online business. It grew and after Cara died, I went into overdrive. I blotted out my grief with work. I knew that and so did everyone around me, but I didn’t care. While I was focused on the business, I couldn’t think about her and dwell on the terrifying, sickening fact she was never coming back. While Iworked, I couldn’t cry or lose control – I hated feeling I might burst into tears at any second. Sorry,’ she said, suddenly embarrassed at revealing too much. ‘I can’t expect you to understand.’
‘Oh, I understand more than you think,’ he murmured. ‘So you were saying that you reacted by throwing yourself into work?’ he added quickly.
‘I suppose I realised the true meaning of “you only live once” and felt I needed to get everything done and achieved as fast as possible because it can all be snatched away in a heartbeat. And I also felt guilty.’
‘Why?’ Sam said with a puzzled frown. ‘Cara’s death wasn’t your fault. It was an accident.’
‘You’re right, I had nothing to do with it, but I had – what’s the phrase? – survivor’s guilt. It felt wrong that I was alive, when I have so many faults, when I’m not always the nicest person to be around, yet my beautiful kind sister had died.’
‘I’m so sorry for your loss, Lily. Cara sounds like she was an incredible woman. But, you know, no one’s perfect,’ he said, with a sadness and firmness that surprised her. He really did seem to understand – or perhaps he was merely being kind.
‘Cara was as close to perfect as possible, and I say that without any envy or edge. Everyone adored her because she deserved to be adored. And that’s why my family must nevereverhear of this. No one can. They were devastated after losing her. If anything happened to me, I think it would finish off Mum and Dad.’
‘I won’t tell anyone … I promise. Though perhaps they’d want to know.’
‘No. They’re already worried about me passing out at work. I didn’t want them to know but when they heard I was coming to this retreat, I had to tell them that I was worried about burnout … I can’t possibly tell them I almost drowned on top of that!’ Lily put her mug down. ‘Anyway, I don’t mind admitting, I feel pretty whacked. I’m not used to wild swimming and kayaking.’ She laughed and got to her feet. ‘I am sorry. It’s all about me, me, me again, isn’t it? You do realise you’ll have to employ a professional counsellor for your guests to talk to? You’re too good a listener.’
With old-fashioned chivalry, Sam rose to his feet too. ‘Only because I don’t have any answers. You came here to escape, and you’ve ended up running headlong into your trauma and having a very close call.’
‘We both did. Doesn’t that bother you?’
‘Like you, I don’t want to dwell on it. I can’t look back.’
‘I agree … you know, I think I’ll go and have a lie down and see you later for dinner?’
‘OK.’ He gave an apologetic grimace. ‘Though I’m afraid there won’t be sea bass. The fish and the rest of the gear went to the bottom of the sea.’
‘I’ll forgive you. In the circumstances.’
‘That’s why I went out, you see. Rory was meant to put some bass in the order I collected but he must have forgotten.’
‘So,’ Lily said, her blood running cold once again, ‘you’re saying if I hadn’t been such a demanding guest and askedfor sea bass tonight, you might not have come out in the kayak at all?’
‘Let’s not think of it like that,’ Sam said. ‘Iwasthere, and everything is OK.’
‘Baked beans on toast would taste great after what I’ve been through.’
‘I’ll do better than that,’ he said firmly.
‘Great. Though, Sam, promise me one thing?’
He frowned, obviously unsure what she was going to throw at him next. ‘What is it?’
‘That you’ll let me help make dinner and you’ll join me from the start. I’m not used to sitting around being waited on, especially not by someone I’ve shared a near-death experience with. And besides, it’s our last night. We can break the rules this one time, eh?’
