Maybe Iammad.
‘You’re pushing everyone away again.’
‘Oh FUCK OFF,’ I yell into the darkness, then hide under the cover when I remember Enya’s in the bedroom next door. I hold my breath, waiting for the noise of an angry host, but there is nothing but city noise through the thin walls. I pull out my phone and find the album with our wedding pictures, flicking through glossy, shiny photos of me and Brandon. We were happy. We are happy. This is going to be fine – great! Wonderful!
The bad feeling in my stomach disagrees as I turn over, diving back into uncomfortable cushions.
Chapter Thirty-SixJEMMA
I’m pretty sure I’m about to do the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
‘This is the best thing you’ve ever done,’ Salma says sombrely, throwing a jumper at me from the wardrobe. ‘And it can be rainy in New York, even in July. Don’t just take T-shirts.’
I roll my eyes. ‘I’m only going to be there a couple of days,’ I say, unzipping my carry-on suitcase and shoving it in. Salma glares at me and I sigh. ‘Fine, what else have I forgotten to take? I never leave the country – I barely even leave our postcode – so please explain to me what I need to know.’
Salma looks delighted and gently shoves me out of the way. She empties out my bag, frowning with horror at what she finds. ‘Useless!’ she declares, tutting, as she fetches things from my drawers, rolling them up carefully.
‘Are you ready yet?’ Harry is at the door, looking excited with a suitcase in his hand. I beam over at him, feeling so grateful he’s coming with me.
After I insisted this had to be a solo mission to fetch Clara, there was a moment of sincere, respectful silence, then they all burst out laughing at me. Harry said there was ‘no bloody chance’ I was going without him. Which filled my insides with gooey warmth.
Salma pouts. ‘I’m really jealous you two are going to America without me.’
I laugh. ‘Dude, we’re only going to find Clara and make her come home with us. I have to be back for Mum’s wedding on Friday. This is not a fun jolly.’ I sigh. ‘We couldn’t even get seats together on the plane. I’ve got a crappy middle seat up the front and Harry’s – I don’t even know where – miles away at the back.’
‘I’m dying first if the plane rips in two!’ Harry calls out cheerfully. ‘So I’ll be getting druuuuuunk in my back-of-the-plane seat!’ He bounces out of the room.
‘You know that’s not true,’ Salma muses. ‘Back of the plane is much safer.’
‘Oh, cheers!’ I tell her, genuinely a little horrified.
She ignores me. ‘He’s so brilliant to come along,’ Salma says warmly, when Harry’s gone. ‘I feel better knowing our Haz will be with you, holding your hand.’ She laughs at my sideways look and throws my makeup bag in the case. ‘I meant metaphorically! You don’t have to hold hands…’ she winks, ‘… unless you want to.’
I ignore this. ‘Am I ready? We’d better head to the airport.’
She checks her watch. ‘Good god, woman! You’ve got ages!’
I feel a wave of anxiety as I help her zip up the suitcase. ‘I know, but I’d rather be really, really early. Then I’ve got plenty of time to, like, figure out, y’know, check-in queues or security thingys.’
Salma raises an eyebrow. ‘Security thingys? What do you mean?’ She eyes me carefully. ‘Jemma, when did you last fly anywhere?’
I blink at her. ‘Never,’ I admit, and she looks shocked.
‘Never?Blimey. Well, the least you can say for your sister is that she’s forcing you out of your comfort zone. This is the most spontaneous, adventurous thing I’ve ever known you to do!’
‘You said I should do it!’ I exclaim. ‘You said there was no other option!’
She brings her hands up in a defensive motion. ‘I know! But, to be honest, I didn’t think you’d actually do it! After everything you said about Clara, I thought…’ She shrugs. ‘I don’t know. I’m just… really glad. I’m happy for Clara that you’re going to show her you love her, but I’m also happy for you, that you feel youcanshow her. You have those’ – she picks up the suitcase off the bed, lowering it to the ground – ‘wallsup. It’s hard to persuade you to lower them sometimes.’
I feel shy suddenly. She’s right, of course, I know she is. I can be a closed book and I don’t like that about me. I don’t want to be rigid and cold and unfeeling! I want to be open and loving and fun and… a realization hits me. Those are all things Clara is. I want to be more like Clara! And I wantmy sister to be OK. I do want her to know I care. I need her to know that I love her. Whatever’s happened with that Brandon guy, she’s my sister and I need to tell her, to her face, that I love her and want her in my life. I need her to know she’s too good for some dirtbag cheater, and that she’s…enough. That we want her home, with her family.
‘Well, this better bloody work!’ I laugh away the sincere moment. ‘I’m using all my savings for this round trip.’ I grab the handle of my case. If Salma won’t let me turn up six hours early to my flight, I can at least go put my bags and coat by the front door and stand there anxiously.
‘So, what about the note?’
I freeze. ‘The note?’ I turn and Salma is frowning.
‘I’ve been meaning to ask what’s going on with your book boyfriend,’ she says, looking at me intently. ‘We’ve been a bit distracted by everything that’s been happening with Clara. Have you checked the library for a reply yet?’
