I wiggle across the cushions, yanking with frustration on a sheet that’s caught up under my right buttock. Pulling on it only frees my feet, which I reflexively pull up out of the cold and onto a scratchier area of upholstery. Of course, Enya has a sofa that is all show and no substance. That’s her all over.
I’ve slept on this sofa a whole bunch of times over the years, but usually I’m too trashed to notice what a monstrous uncomfortable beast it is.
I sigh, turning over again and trying to shake off this feeling. It’s a bad feeling.
Why am I here, on Enya’s sofa, instead of over at Brandon’s? He wanted us to immediately pick up where we left off, living together in his fancy penthouse in Greenwich Village, but I said I needed a bit more time. I said we should start off slow – try dating. We haven’t even had sex yet, which has come as even more of a surprise to me than him.
I prod the bad feeling, trying to identify it. Should I be living back with him? Throwing myself fully into this relationship again? Giving him my all? It’s what he wants, but no… I’m not ready.
Usually, when I give myself a fresh start – or, as Jemma would put it,run away– I feel better. I feel relieved and excited. I can’t wait to start again. But not this time. This time I feel restless and hot and itchy. And not just because of the scratchy texture of this sofa. Being back in America, being back with Brandon again, it feels…wrong.
I give up on sleeping, reaching for my phone on the coffee table and squinting at the too-bright screen.
Mindlessly I open Safari and googleMilo Samuels, tapping the Google Images tab. His handsome face fills the screen
OK, here we go.Thisis why I’m feeling sad. This is why I’m feeling unfulfilled and confused, like I have unfinished business. Because I’ve run away with Brandon just when things were going well with Milo. We’d bonded! We were definitely going to meet up again and it was going to work out.
Sigh. Who am I kidding?
Let’s be realistic here. I was using Milo, wasn’t I? He was a lovely, handsome fantasy I was using to distract myself from real life. I don’t even reallyknowMilo Samuels. Not really. And what I was starting to know about him didn’t exactly gel with the image I’d created of him in my head. I thought he was this wild, sexy bad boy; the classic treat ’em mean type. He’s not that person at all.
It’s time to be a grown-up. And being a grown-up means trying to make your marriage work. That’s what I’m doing here, with Brandon. I need to make this work. It’s definitely the right decision. It is. I have to try.
So what is this weird pit in my stomach? This solid mass ofwrong?
Maybe I just miss my friends back in the UK.
Not Jemma, obviously, but Salma, Harry, Amanda. And Mum of course. Oh, and Buffy and Angela.
That might be the bad feeling. Leaving just before the wedding like that.
But Brandon had already bought my plane ticket and he needed to be back over here for work. It was all a rush, I didn’t have a lot of time to think about it.
Actually, I’ve hardly seen Brandon since we got back, he’s been so busy. We’re meeting up for a ‘date’ later. I hope it’ll be OK. I have to try to make it OK.
Harry’s sweet face suddenly fills my vision. Idoreally miss my friends. And it’s not like any of my pals over here were particularly excited to hear from me when I announced my return. Enya was the only one who even replied to my messages and she was only ever really a peripheral mate; someone to go drinking and partying with. We never reallytalked. To be honest, I never really talked to any of the people I hung out with over here. It was all just surface level. And I didn’t realize that until I started sharing a house with Harry, Salma and Jemma. Lovely, fun, kind, generous people who laughed with me when I made a joke and told me off when I wasbeing selfish. They picked me up when I’d given up hope and helped me when I couldn’t help myself. Theycaredabout me.
I really, really miss them. Even Jemma.
And maybe Harry most of all. Just because he was so kind, y’know. And so fun to tease! He always took it with a smile and looked after me when I was making a mess of things as usual. I think Harry is my best friend actually.
But we can still be mates from afar! Once things have cooled down a bit. And now I’m out of the way, hopefully he and Jemma can make things work. Now I’m not cock-blocking them with my presence and that giant chest of drawers.
It’s still sitting in the hallway.
But I’m sure, now I’m gone, they’ll just get rid of it! They’ll sell it on or dump it and life will go on. They were all fine before I barrelled into their lives and they’ll be fine now I’m gone.
Especially Jemma.
I yank angrily at my duvet, wrestling with it. God, she’s hard work! One minute she’s annoyed I’m in her space, taking over her life, and the next she’s mad at me for not telling her stuff and not sharing enough! I mean, make up your mind, sis!
‘You’re making a mistake,’ a small voice in the back of my brain whispers.
I’m not making a mistake, I tell myself firmly. I made too much of a mess of things over there, I can’t go back. And Mum will get over it. It’s not like we had much notice forthis wedding anyway! She will forgive me, she always forgives me.
‘You could’ve explained,’ the voice whispers. ‘You could’ve been honest with all of them. They deserved that. Not everything has to be glossy and amazing, you can tell them the truth instead of sabotaging it all.’
I shake my head. It’s too late. I’ve ruined everything. Jemma hates me, Mum probably does, too. The library must think I’m an absolute tit, disappearing before I even got to day one of the new job. And Salma and Harry – oh god, what must they think of me? Some guy they’ve never heard of turning up out of the blue and announcing we’re married after some crazy whirlwind romance? They must think I’m mad.
