‘You know what,’ she replies softly.
‘Look, Bibi obviously doesn’t want to talk to me anyway!’ I wave my hand. ‘I haven’t heard from her since she’s been staying at Alex’s. And why would she need me anymore, eh? She’s got everything she ever wanted out of this, right? The girlfriend, the perfect job—’
‘She hasn’t taken the job yet,’ Lou interrupts. ‘It’s a bit more corporate-y than she’s used to and she’s not sure—’
I interrupt her right back. ‘Oh I’m sure it’ll turn out to be absolutely perfect in the end!’ I spit, not really recognizingmy own voice. ‘Bibi doesn’t even have to try for it to all fall into place. It’s all come together for her, hasn’t it? I’m sure the job will be a dream as well! Lucky old Bibi!’ This isn’t me. I know how hard Bibi’s worked to find a job. I hate the person coming out of my mouth, but I am still too angry to be reasonable.
Lou looks confused. ‘But you love your job, too, don’t you? I thought you did?’
Oh great, another stab of guilt for me. As if I wasn’t carrying enough of it.
Yes, I love my stupid fucking job. How brilliant to be reminded! Because I’ve been sabotaging that to fuck lately, too, along with everything else. I flush with shame, thinking about how little I’ve been trying these last few months at work. Katie has been rushed off her feet, taking on all my extra workload while I ignored my responsibilities.
I open my mouth and am saved by the doorbell.
It’s – predictably – our landlord’s useless son-in-law and Lou ushers him through, handing him the vase as she goes. We retreat to the living room where we talk in awkward whispers on the sofa.
‘I’m bored. Shall we go to The Swab?’
I look at her, aghast. ‘Bibi’s pub?! Of course we can’t go there, Bibi and Alex might be there!’
‘Oh,’ she laughs a little. ‘No, they definitely won’t be! Bibi’s not working this week and they never went there anyway – Bibi said it made her sex drive die a thousand deaths seeing Franco.’
‘When did she say…’ I frown as the realization dawns. ‘Hold on… Lou, did you know? Did youknowabout them? Did you fucking know about Alex and Bibi sleeping together?’
Her face goes white, realizing what she’s said. And what it means.
She looks down at the cushions between us, shame-faced. ‘Yes,’ she replies simply. And suddenly it’s not just Bibi’s betrayal – not even just Lou’s betrayal! – but the FOMO of it all. My three best friends had a secret together. Without me. Lou continues quickly, ‘But look, it wasn’t a conspiracy or anything. I just noticed something was up. It seemed kind of obvious to me – all that weird tension between them! All the awkwardness and Bibi’s school playground pulling of Alex’s hair. And Jesus, the longing glances all the time!’
‘I thought they hated each other!’ I cry. ‘And I never saw any bloody longing glances.’
Lou takes a second before she replies. ‘Well,’ she begins hesitantly, ‘you’ve been kind of distracted in the last few months with this Seven Exes Mission.’
There is a criticism in what she’s saying but I don’t understand it.
‘But we were all in that together.’ I sound defensive. ‘I thought you guys were invested in the mission just as much as me. You knew how important it was to me.’
She nods. ‘Of course! And we do support you. We talked about ita lot. But…’ She hesitates again. ‘Sometimes it feltlike it wasallyou were talking about. Bibi and I have our own stuff, too.’
‘Don’t make out like I never asked you guys about anything in your lives!’ I search my memory banks but no specifics come to mind. I definitely talked to them about their lives, though; I’m not some selfish prick who only cares about herself. IknowI asked them about things.
‘No, no.’ Lou is shaking her head. ‘I’m sorry, that’s not what I’m saying. You are a good friend, you really are. But me and Bibi have been going through similar things this past year – we’ve both been endlessly trying to get our careers off the ground, while you’ve got yours sorted. We’ve been to countless interviews and auditions, with nothing decent coming of it. And you’ve been really nice and sympathetic! But it gets boring to keep saying it. We know it’s boring to hear, and believe me, it’s boring for us, too. But it doesn’t mean it’s not hanging over everything we do. Everything revolves around whether I got an audition or Bibi got an interview. And then whether we got the job after all that work and emotional investment. It’s draining and exhausting –but boring.’ She pauses, looking pained. ‘I guess it’s brought us a bit closer in the last few months. We’ve got a sort of shared pain.’
‘Right, so I couldn’t understand your bond,’ I say shortly, feeling jagged jabs of pain in my stomach. ‘You know I didn’t make Bibi redundant, and I didn’t make you choose such a difficult career, Louise.’
She looks sad for a moment but nods at last. ‘I know,Esther. I’m just trying to explain a little bit.’ Then she adds softly, ‘It’s just that you have your life together – sorted – and we felt so far behind.’
‘I don’t have everything together!’ I explode, before remembering the guy in the bathroom and lowering my voice. ‘Lou, that’s ridiculous. You know my love life is a mess! That’s the whole point of what I’ve been doing these last few months!’
‘But you have a home, friends and a career that you love.’ Her voice is pleading as she looks down into her lap. ‘You have a stable, decent income and that gives you so much freedom. You have no idea the crushing fear Bibi and I go through every month wondering if we can afford the gas bill, as well as food. You have the important part of life sorted.’ She adds hastily, ‘And I understand you want to meet someone! But that’s not vital, is it? You’re only twenty-nine! Humans are all going to live to 150 soon, do you really want to be with someone for the next 120 years? Finding a relationship isn’t the be-all and end-all, is it?’
I search her face, wondering if she’s being serious. Of course it is! Surely it is? Isn’t it? I thought it was?
We fall into an awkward silence. I’m angry – furious actually – but I can’t fall out with Lou as well. Then it might start to look likeI’mthe one with the problem.
‘So,’ I say after another minute, ‘you, Alex and Bibi all share everything because I have a good job. You knew about them all along and you think they’re a brilliant, great couple, and you foresee no issues when they break up.’ I know mytone is aggressive and sarcastic but I can’t help it. Why can’t she see this from my point of view?
Lou takes a deep breath. ‘Well,’ she begins carefully. ‘I do think they’re great together actually, yes.’ She stops for a moment. ‘Andifthey break up, yes, it will be awful and difficult and sad. It could really make things horrible again and I don’t want to lose Alex again either, you know? But love is about taking big risks like this. And if Bibi and Alex have actually found someone who makes them happy, then they deserve to take that risk.’ This is a strong speech for Lou. ‘And, if I’m honest with you, Esther’ – uh oh, I don’t need honesty right now – ‘I actually think you were much more foolish when you went into things with Alex all those years ago. I’m sorry to say it. But I think that’s why you’re reacting so strongly to all this – because you know you made a massive mistake back then and a part of you knew it was a bad idea from the beginning. But you ignored that warning sound in the back of your head. Itwaspartly your fault that we lost Alex last time, so I think you feel responsible for these two and their decisions now. And you’re angry because you don’t have any control over what they’re doing or what might happen.’ She breathes out heavily. ‘But, look, Alex and Bibi are much older than we were back then. They understand their choices better. And more than that – they’ve fallen in love. Theyloveeach other – already! That’s why they kept going even though it might hurt you. And that’s not a mistake. Whatever happens now between them – and between the four of us – that can’t be a mistake.’
