I am disgusting, and all of this was – and is – all my fault.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
I can already hear Louise shrieking as I put the key in the door.
‘FUCKING TOILET!’ she’s screaming and I take a moment before entering to try to calm myself down. Looking down at my shaking hands, I instruct myself to stop, sucking in cool air for long breaths. I can react to the last few hourslater.
I take a deep breath, paste on a rictus smile, and go in.
Louise is panting and red-faced as she appears in the hallway. ‘Help!’ she says simply, waving a toilet brush uselessly in the air. ‘Can you grab the vase?’
I nod, rushing into action.
In the bathroom, we settle into our new routine, emptying the overflowing water into the bath, and moaning about the landlord.
After a few minutes, Louise exclaims, ‘Oh! Weren’t you going to see your work mistake today? How did it go?’
I look down, watching the water swirling down theplughole. I wasn’t going to say anything, I didn’t want to admit my latest devastating humiliation. But Louise has already seen and heard so much of that from me. Especially in these last few months. It’s all such a mess.
‘I’ve decided not to see Carl,’ I tell her, clearing my throat. ‘Not face-to-face anyway.’ I pause and look up to meet her sweet eyes, curious and round. ‘The truth is, I didn’t go to see him today, I went to see A’Diva.’
‘But he wasn’t there?’ she asks, sloshing water. ‘Doesn’t he work there anymore?’
I shake my head. ‘No, because they got rid of him. He quit, but only to stop himself getting fired. What he did to me–’ I exhale, sharply ‘– he did to loads of young women. Affair after affair. And he was very quietly married the whole time.’
‘Oh my god,’ she breathes, visibly shocked. ‘That’s horrendous. How do you know?’
‘I spoke to someone who works there now,’ I explain. ‘She’s front of house manager and I told her I used to work for Carl. We sat down, had a coffee and she told me how he’d been targeting junior female members of staff who worked for him for years. So many vulnerable young women who looked up to him. He’d always got away with it, but things have changed since MeToo. He couldn’t escape by blaming his way out anymore. Plus, the last owner, Hugo, had retired and his daughter took over. She was much more savvy and knowledgeable about this kind of thing.’ I grin, feeling marginally better for talking. ‘Apparently she camein one day a few months ago, called the entire staff together and listed every grimy, disgusting, depraved thing Carl had done – that she knew of.’ I glance down at my feet. ‘Then she invited him to offer his resignation. Apparently it was glorious.’
‘Wow!’ Louise looks blown over. ‘I bet he was furious.’
‘Yep,’ I confirm. ‘The woman said he was simmering with rage – looked like he was ready to hit the new boss. A couple of his deputies stepped in and escorted him out of the building. They were more than happy to be kicking him out, it seems! Everyone had had enough of him.’ I remember the other detail. ‘Oh and someone told his wife, and she’s divorcing him.’
Louise bites her lip. ‘Do you think this woman you spoke to – this front of house manager – had been one of Carl’s targets?’
I take the vase from her to give me something to do with my hands. ‘I didn’t ask, but I think so. She had a kind of look I recognize. But I don’t really know.’
We’re quiet for a minute, and then she asks, ‘How do you feel?’
I shrug and then let my shoulders slump.
‘Worse? Better? I don’t totally know,’ I admit. ‘I never wanted to say out loud how horrible that relationship was. And how powerless I felt. I really wanted to believe it was all my choice. That I was a grown-up, making my own decisions. But in another way, it helps to know that what I felt underneath the surface – that he was an absolutemonster – was actually right. And it’s good that I got to see that. I guess I was just very naïve at twenty-one.’ I shake my head at my previous self. ‘Ireallythought he was sexy and cool back then. I thought the way he behaved was very adult, and that it mademean adult to go along with it. But actually he took the piss and messed with a young girl’s head. Actually, not just a young head but his employee’s head! It was all very wrong.’ I pause. ‘But I think that’s why older men date younger women, isn’t it? When we’re young we don’t know what’s OK or what our boundaries are. We don’t push back in the same way or disagree as much. I thought Carl must know better than me because he was older – he was my hero! – so I never said no to him.’ I give her the vase now and squeeze my hands together. ‘I don’t think men like Carl can handle women on their level. Women who don’t put up with their shitty behaviour.’ I stop, thinking about just how much I did put up with. ‘Anyway, the humiliation is all part of this process, isn’t it? I have to go back over all these mistakes to see if I could’ve done anything differently, or learned anything.’ I lift my chin. ‘And I learned that I’ll never go out with a sex pest again.’
‘Well, that’s a lesson well learned,’ Louise laughs. The toilet makes a sudden angry, gurgling noise and we both jump away.
‘Ugh, I wish Bibi were here,’ I say loudly, annoyed. Lou stands up straighter, looking hopeful and I roll my eyes. ‘Only because she has to take her turn at bailing out water!It’s not fair at all, us having to sort out the loo without her. She’s meant to ring the landlord and shout about tenants’ rights. I did it last time and I was rubbish.’
‘I know.’ Lou hangs her head. ‘I did try before you got here, but I’m so hopeless at being stern when I speak to him. He swore he’d send a real plumber, though! He swore on his own grave!’
‘I’m not sure swearing on yourowngrave is a thing?’ I consider this. ‘Because presumably you wouldn’thavea grave if you’re not dead.’
‘Oh.’ She looks confused again. ‘Well, I’m sorry to be useless. Only Bibi is really good at telling him off. Remember when she called him a bitch-ass-bitch? Do you remember?’
I do remember but I’m not ready to think about it. It was too much fun; the three of us standing around Bibi’s phone, while she screamed bloody murder at our landlord.
Louise is silent again, but watching me this time.
‘What?’ I say in a prickly voice.
