Hi Alistair, I’m sorry to get in touch like this after all these years… random I know!
I pause.
‘Should I do a LOL there?’ I ask anxiously. Louise and Bibi answer simultaneously.
‘Absolutely yes!’
‘Definitely not!’
They regard each other crossly.
‘Maybe a smiley face emoji?’ I suggest cautiously and they both nod gravely back.
Esther Adamsonline
Hi Alistair, I’m sorry to get in touch like this after all these years… random I know! I wondered how you are and whether life is good. I’d love to get a drink and catch up properly at some point, if you’re up for it? Esther
I stop again.
‘I know it’s not my best opening ever, but it’s to the point, right?’
They both shrug.
‘It’s good,’ Louise says, nodding encouragingly.
‘Yes,’ Bibi agrees confidently. ‘You can’t start cracking jokes until you know who he is these days. You haven’t spoken to him in, like, ten years. He might be entirely humourless as an adult.’
‘Should I add a kiss?’ I ask but Bibi has already reached across me and hit send. The three of us stare at the screen, horror dawning in my stomach as I watch his name light up with a green dot. He is online.
Oh god oh god oh god.
His reply is almost instant and Louise gasps dramatically at the words as they appear.
Alistair Morrisonline
Fuck off, Esther
Oh.
Maybe this whole thing won’t be as straightforward as I thought.
EX 1: ALISTAIR MORRISAKA The First LovePART TWO
My parents’ house
My bedroom
11.45pm
‘Just fucking shush, OK?’ I hiss, pulling the covers over my head. ‘My parents are only down the corridor and you know Dad will murder us both in cold blood if he finds us.’
‘Try YouTube,’ Alistair suggests, pulling in closer. ‘They’re bound to have instructional videos.’
I open the search box and type: ‘P u t t i n g o n a c o n d o m s o t h e r e a r e d e f i n i t e l y n o b a b i e s’. Return.
‘Phew, there are loads.’ I scan the search results and click on the second from the top. Someone once told me agrown-up thing to do in restaurants is to order the second-cheapest wine on a menu – instead of automatically asking for the cheapest – and I apply the same philosophy to search results. After all, I am seventeen in fourteen minutes, so it’s high time I started doing grown-up shit.
Including sex at long last with Alistair Morris.
