CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
‘I’m actually feeling weirdly cheerful!’ I stick the vase in the loo, letting it fill with water and then emptying the whole thing into the bath. Lou watches me with interest.
‘You’re serious? After everything that happened with Paul? All that build-up, only to realize he’s a big old user?’ She looks anxious as I fill the vase up again with overflowing water.
The toilet is doing its usual thing and Louise and I are in a stalemate over who will call the landlord. Bibi is the only one who can make him listen but she’s MIA.
‘Yes,’ I nod, really meaning it. ‘For real! I am sort of sad it didn’t work out and I know I should be humiliated by the rejection, but for some reason I don’t feel that way.’
She blinks at me, clearly baffled. After all, we are people who are usually humiliated by the smallest thing.
‘It was always hanging over me – the Paul question,’ I try to explain. ‘Like, I always blamed myself for it never happening between us. And even if I’d met someone andthey were my soulmate, I think a small part of my brain would’ve always wondered if Paul was even more of a soulmate, you know what I mean? I actually rejected a great guy once because I was so sure things were about to happen with Paul. Now I know!’ I beam at Lou across the toilet. ‘And I genuinely feel like I’ve had a bit of a lucky escape. Imagine dating Paul! All those women pals he cultivates to be half in love with him! It would be a constant power struggle, with him always gaslighting me about his “friends”. Making out like I was nuts for worrying about it being more than that.’
‘Like you did with Idris about Will!’ It’s out of her mouth as the thought occurs, and her face falls immediately. ‘Oh god, sorry, Esther. I didn’t mean that. I’m really sorry. Obviously you’re nothing like Collector Paul. He’s a game player, you were just in a crappy situation.’
‘No, you’re right,’ I say in a small voice. ‘I did do that to Idris, and I feel like shit about it.’ I pause, my head hanging. ‘I remember one time when he found some messages between Will and me, he asked me about it and I got angry. Or rather, Ipretendedto be angry – what kind of person does that? I threw it in his face that he shouldn’t be reading my messages. I accused him of being some kind of jealous child snooping through my private computer. Then I accused him of getting upset because I was friends with a boy.’ I sigh. ‘It was just to buy time, to give me a minute to shove down my guilt and redirect the conversation. But the truth is I fuckingknewI was crossing a line. I knew perfectly well that I wasdoing something wrong. But I didn’t want to stop. I liked the ego boost and the fireworks I got from Will too much. I loved Idris, but flirting with a stranger like that was such a thrill.’ I glance up at Lou, who looks shifty. ‘At one point in that argument, he even saidsorryto me, Lou. Tome! I made him feel like he was mad. I can’t deny it, I fully gaslit him and I’m deeply ashamed of it.’
She swallows hard but doesn’t say anything, just rubs my arm kindly.
‘I worry sometimes that I’m a bad person,’ I say at last in a whisper.
‘You’re not,’ she says in a quiet but fervent voice. ‘You’ve done some bad things – we all have – but it doesn’t make you a bad person.’ She takes a long breath. ‘Do you think it’s a good idea to contact Idris? I mean, you went through so much together. I mean…’ She pauses. ‘Maybe it’s time to take a break from the mission altogether?’
Before I can answer, my phone vibrates and I snort when I see the message.
Will (Twitter)
Have you ever had to do a wee sample at the doctor’s? How much do you think you’re meant to fill the sample pot they give you? Any less than half feels stingy, but full feels like you’re showing off, right?
4.21pm
I show Louise and she gives a slightly grossed-out half-smile. ‘Well, if you’re not going to quit, whataboutWill?’ she says, taking the vase off me and scooping up the water. It’s not her turn yet but I was doing a very poor job – there’s water all over the floor. ‘Are you ever going to meet up, or is it just set to be flirty messages until the end of time?’
I make a sort of groaning noise and perch on the bath, getting splashed a little as she empties. ‘I’m just worried,’ I admit. ‘Last time we were so unbelievably great on messages – there was so much chemistry online – and then it was onlyOKwhen we finally met up.’
‘But you dated for, like, five, six months, didn’t you?’
‘Yes, but that was a guilt relationship.’
‘A guilt relationship?’ She cocks her head at me curiously.
‘You know, because I felt like I’d led him on. Like, I’d led everyone on. I made out like he was amazing and worth ruining things with Idris over. I couldn’t end it two seconds later and come running back, tail between my legs. I had to pretend it was good for a while.’
She nods, understanding.
‘But if he’s that lame in real life, maybe it’s not worth meeting up with him?’ she suggests, and I sigh.
‘That’s the trouble though, Lou,’ I say. ‘He wasn’tlameper se. He was just… fine. Like, it was all perfectly nice and perfectly ordinary between us. There was no real reasonnotto like him. And no real reasontolike him.’
‘Those are the worst!’ she cries and I nod, knowing she’sbeen there. And we both know sometimes those relationships are the hardest to leave.
‘But maybe Will’s changed?’ I sigh again. ‘I’vechanged in the last few years, haven’t I? And that’s the whole point of this exercise, isn’t it? To see if any of my exes had anything I missed.’ I pause, and put my hand out for the vase. She lets me take it. ‘I was absolutely fucking heartbroken over what had happened with Iddy, and had to pretend I wasn’t – because it was my fault we’d ended. It was my decision, so I felt like I wasn’t allowed to grieve for him. That’s the trouble with overlapping relationships, you’re suddenly with someone new and having to pretend you’re totally over the last person. So maybe I didn’t give Will a fair shot in those five months we were together.’
‘I guess that makes sense,’ she nods, wiping her hands on the towel.
‘Anyway, he suggested we FaceTime this week.’ I feel nerves jangling in my stomach at my own words. ‘So I might end up meeting up with him in real life after that. And y’know, if he’s mega lame and boring, or repeating oldSeinfeldjokes during the call, we can just leave it there.’
‘Seinfeld?’ Lou screws up her face and I wave her confusion away.
