That’s weird, I’m sure he said that last time. I remember because the only thing I know about Greta Garbo is that she had very thin, nineties eyebrows. He said it exactly likethat, too – all shy and sweet. We talked about it for ages, it’s strange he forgot.
But we’re all repeating the same shit every time we open our mouths really, aren’t we? Half of my relationship with Idris was just nodding nicely when he told me the same story yet again. And I expect he’d say the same about my chat.
Paul reaches to take my hand across the table. His skin on mine sends something undefinable running through my whole body. With his thumb he rubs the back of my hand, all the while looking at me like I’m the only person who ever existed. The blood roars in my ears. I fancy himsomuch.
Will and I don’t have anything like this. This, with Paul,thisis real. And if I have to sacrifice the mission – Will included – to get a chance of love with Paul, that’s a decent price to pay.
Fuck it, I’m going to be brave. I’m going to say it. We’ve already lost so much time. So many years of date nights we could’ve had; so many dinners, so many cinema visits, all that sex we’ve missed out on, all that lying around in bed, teasing each other and bickering over who’s going to get up to make tea. We’ve missed so much together through bad timing, I can’t let us miss another chance now.
‘Paul’ – I gulp down some air – ‘I have to just say this. I think we both know there’s something between us. It’s obvious to anyone that we fancy each other like mad, but it’s more than that. We get on so well and have so much fun. I think we should give things a go, don’t you? A few dates,a few snogs – let’s see if this thing between us can become something real and amazing?’
There is a silence, potent with anticipation. I try to read his expression, wondering whether he is going to kiss me or speak first. God, I hope he kisses me, I’ve wanted to kiss him for so long.
His mouth opens and I smile sweetly until I understand the words.
‘I’m really sorry, Esther, I don’t feel like that. I don’t want to date you.’
What.
‘I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression,’ he stutters, looking down at the table. ‘I just thought we were good friends.’ What what what. No, what?
The crushing humiliation piles down on me and I feel my face burn as he continues. ‘Sure, we flirt a tiny bit sometimes, but I didn’t realize you thought it was more than that. It’s just the way we are together, isn’t it? We’re both flirts, it’s just some fun.’
Oh my god oh my god oh my god this is so embarrassing. How could I…? I’m so dumb, so stupid. My throat is dry and I grab at my drink for something to do. My hands shake as I throw back sour wine. How could I have got this so fucking wrong? Have I completely lied to myself? Made up all those moments? Read something into the way he flirted and complimented and constantly touched me?
Something tickles at the back of my mind. Something vague and unformed.
He regards me anxiously. ‘I honestly had no idea you felt like that, Esther, I’m sorry. But I really, really don’t want to lose this friendship. Please can we forget this? Pretend the last few minutes never happened and go back to having fun? You mean so much to me. Please?’ He grabs for my hand again, squeezing it. That’s not a friend thing, is it?
Ah. There it is. The click.
‘Um, Paul.’ I swallow another large mouthful of acidic wine, extracting my hand. ‘Do you have a lot of female friends?’
He frowns. ‘I guess so, sure.’
‘And are they mostly single?’
His forehead creases further. ‘Well, er, yeah, mostly.’
‘And’ – I lean in – ‘are they, like, mates with each other, or do you mostly just meet up with them one-on-one?’
He shifts in his seat, looking uncomfortable. ‘Er, one-on-one, but what does that matter? What’s it got to do with anything?’
I nod, the truth hitting me way too hard. He’s a Collector. He’s a fucking Collector. I have been so blind, ofcoursehe’s a Collector. He’s one of those boys who likes to keep a harem of women around him, all half in love with him, to worship at his feet. But he doesn’t want to actuallybewith them, that’s too much bother. He’ll see them each individually, making them feel so special and loved. He’ll have the thrill of a one-evening girlfriend, without any of the commitment or the in-laws or the birthday present buying. He might evenhavea girlfriend on the side, but she’ll never meet any of his ‘femalefriends’, and they’ll never meet her. But she’ll be wielded as a weapon if any of them forget their place and ask for more from him. And that’s why it feels like he’s reusing the same lines sometimes – because hedoes. He probably has a bloody filing system to keep track of all his women.
I feel like such a fool. Because I should know better – I’ve seen Collectors around, loads of them. I remember Lou being in thrall to one many years ago and it took us ages to get her away from him. But I hadn’t realized Paul was one! I guess because there were always legitimate reasons for us not to get together until now.
He doesn’t want to date me, he doesn’t want to date any of these women he flirts with and keeps on a string. But he wants theoptionof it. He wants to know that in every direction is another lovelorn female who hangs on his every word. Oh my god, I can’t believe I was one of them. Forages! What an idiot.
‘Please can we keep being friends, Esther?’ He reaches to take my hands in his again but the electricity is gone now. I recognize him for what he is and it has freed me. Suddenly he’s not so dazzling, not so attractive. He’s just a little man in need of an ego stroke. He made me feel wanted and fancied for so long, but I wasn’t wanted or fancied. Now I know the truth, his big shoulders have lost their lustre.
‘Esther?’ He looks anxious. ‘Really, I adore you, and nothing has to change. We can still have fun and flirt, it doesn’t have to change. I really don’t want to lose you.’
‘Obviously you don’t,’ I say pleasantly. ‘I’m sure I’ve beenone of your most ardent fans. One of your most prized collector’s items.’
He frowns. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Never mind,’ I say breezily. ‘Right, no harm done. To me, at least. Your poor other collectibles, I hope they’re released one day, too.’ I wave at the table server. ‘Shall we get the bill? I just realized I paid the whole bill last time – and the few times before, actually – so how about you get this one?’ He looks alarmed and I give him a friendly pat on the shoulder. ‘Bye, Paul, it’s been nice to see you, if only because I got to realize that you were never a Missed Chance. You never would’ve happened.Wenever would’ve happened.’ I stand up, feeling powerful and sure of myself at long last. ‘Thanks for all the laughs. Although they were mostly provided by me, actually.’ I pause. ‘But you did boost my ego from time to time, so I can be grateful to you for that.’ His mouth hangs open as I give him a small wave. ‘See ya, don’t message me again.’ I sail out the door, just as the bill lands on our table.
