‘Yesssss!’ Louise stands up, punching the air. ‘Yes please.’ She runs out shrieking about making a hair appointment and I laugh. But when I turn to Alex, she is cold-faced.
‘What?’
‘What the fuck was that?’ Alex asks, clearly angry.
I am suddenly afraid. ‘What do you mean? I’m sorry, did you want to do a triple date? I guess I can see if Paul knows any hot women who—’
‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ She stands up, satsuma forgotten. ‘We’ve been seeing each other for nearly a year and you think it’s OK to just casually mention other people you fancy in front of me?’
‘But… but…’ I am lost for words. We’ve talked about fancying other people before. Not for a while, I guess, but this thing between us was always casual. That was the agreement. That was what we said: friends with benefits. ‘I’m so sorry, Alex,’ I say, stammering. ‘I didn’t realize…’ What didn’t I realize? Have the rules changed?
‘You have no idea, do you?’ she says quietly, the anger gone. ‘You don’t even realize.’
‘What?’ I say again, feeling helpless and afraid.
There is a long silence. ‘I’m in love with you, you fucking idiot,’ she says at last. ‘I thought it was obvious. And I thought you were starting to feel the same.’
I feel my mouth gape open, but I am powerless to close it.
In love with me? No, this doesn’t make any sense at all. Why would she… but we’refriends, we’ve always been friends. That’s what we agreed. It was never about love, how can…
‘Fuck, Alex…’ I trail off; the words I have are no good.
She stares me down, waiting, until she can’t stand it anymore. ‘So you don’t love me?’ It’s said in such a sad, broken-down way that I nearly start crying. But the truth is I don’t. Not like that.
I can’t say it. I don’t know how to admit that.
Reading my mind she says impatiently, ‘Just fucking say it, Esther. Tell me. If you don’t love me, just say it.’
‘But I do love you,’ I reply weakly. ‘You’re my best friend, Alex Shelley, I love you so so much.’
‘Not as a girlfriend, though?’ she confirms, her voice limp.
I hang my head and whisper, ‘No.’
She starts to cry and I pull her in for a hug. She sobs against my shoulder for a few minutes as I tell her I’m sorry, over and over.
She stops at last and murmurs something against my shoulder. It’s too muffled to make out so I move my ear closer.
‘What?’ I whisper and this time I can hear.
‘You’ve used me.’ I feel myself go cold at her words. ‘You’ve fucking used me. You never cared about me at all,you fuckingcow.’ She pulls away properly now and her tanned face is contorted with rage.
‘No, Alex, that’s not true.’ My voice is high and pleading. ‘I thought we were on the same page about all this, I’m so sorry. Please don’t say I used you, it wasn’t like that! I thought we were both having a good time. I thought it was OK.’
‘You let me think you loved me!’ Her voice is louder now, full of fury. ‘You held me and stroked my hair and told me I was beautiful.’
I feel shame fill me but I try again. ‘Alex! It was your idea to do this – you suggested being friends with benefits! You can’t change the rules and then get angry at me about it. You should’ve spoken to me – told me how you were feeling – I had no idea you had feelings for me!’
Lies.
Something in me knew how she felt, and ignored it. I could feel something changing on her side in recent months and I let it happen, all the while pretending it was fine. Ihaveused her. I am a scumbag and I deserve the hatred pouring out of her right now.
‘You’re a liar and a user. We’re done!’ She screams this, her face purple. ‘We’re not friends anymore, we’re notanythinganymore. I’m moving out and I don’t want you to contact me again. We’re so over.’ She storms out of the room and I hear her bedroom door slam shut and lock, leaving me in shock.
By the next morning, she’s gone. Her dad comes for all her stuff later that week and gives me such an awful, hateful look, I cry for four hours straight. Alex won’t take my calls ormessages. She won’t take Lou’s calls or messages. She blocks me on Facebook and Twitter, and a letter I send to her mum’s house gets returned to sender.
She’s gone from our lives after twelve years of friendship, just so I could get laid. We’re over, just like that, because I was bored and lonely.
