But.
There is a lot attached to a kiss with Alistair Morris,especially after so much time spentnotkissing him. There are a thousand emotions and memories attached, so much meaning. So many old wounds and school insecurities I thought I’d let go of. It could all come flooding back so quickly.
And what would it mean if we kissed? Especially after his speech about how much our relationship meant to him. How much more might I hurt him? He doesn’t deserve that.
He looks down and laughs in the sweetest way. It makes my heart hurt for him, as I lightly step back; the spell broken.
Maybe I’m not ready for a kiss, but I want to see him again, I really do.
‘Can we do this again sometime?’ I aim for casual and miss. It sounds embarrassingly earnest. ‘Like maybe we could go on a real…’ I pause, embarrassed ‘… date?’
He seems taken aback. ‘Oh?’ He rubs his face with the back of his hand and there is a pause that stretches from here until eternity as I die a thousand humiliated deaths. Is this so out of left field? I thought it had been a relatively flirty few hours.
At last he looks down again, clearly embarrassed for me. ‘Shit, I’m really sorry, Esther, I think I’ve fucked up here. I – I have a girlfriend.’
I swallow hard, trying to control my reaction but I feel my face flame red-hot. ‘Right.’ I swallow again. ‘God, sorry! I didn’t… I had no idea… I mean… fuck.’
He puts a too-nice hand on my shoulder. I feel the warmth of his palm through my thick coat. ‘It’s my fault, I’m really sorry. I should’ve mentioned her earlier in the evening but itwas so much fun catching up. I didn’t… think.’ He pauses. ‘I know people say this all the time and don’t mean it, but I really would like us to be friends. Can we? You’re still so brilliant and funny, I’d love to have a sort ofmates trialif you’re up for it? It would be awesome to see Shelley and Louise again, too.’ He quickly realizes his mistake. ‘I mean, just Lou. I’d love to see Louise.’ He waits, a little nervously, and I nod, my head heavy.
‘Of course.’ I am still nodding, unable to stop. ‘I’d really love that, Alistair, it’s been… great to see you.’
‘Definitely then,’ he says, satisfied.
We say our goodbyes, and my chest is tight and painful. I don’t think I’ll ever see Alistair Morris again. But then, I’ve thought that before.
CHAPTER SIX
‘So he’s not The One?’ Bibi’s face is screwed up in confusion. ‘Or he is?’
‘Ugghhhhhhhh!’ I throw myself onto the bed. ‘How many times? It doesn’t matter either way. It was a waste of time – he’s got a girlfriend.’
She gives me a look. A very Bibi look.
‘OK, fine, there wassomethingthere,’ I declare. ‘Even as we said goodbye, there was all this mad sexual tension between us, I’m sure I wasn’t imagining it. But he made it very clear he’s not interested in anything more. Plus, I’m not here for any home-wrecking, thank you.’ I pause, then add, ‘Barbara?’
‘Fair enough, and wrong.’ Bibi looks amused by my latest guess at her name, and we fall silent, lying side by side on her bed. Through the wall, we listen disinterestedly to Louise and Sven having tedious sex.
‘Ugh, you got crumbs on my face,’ Lou is telling him faintly, sounding annoyed. ‘Can you give yourself a shakedown after eating biscuits in bed, please? Especially when you’re going on top. There are bits of biscuit in my eye now.’
Sven’s voice mumbles an apology.
‘Isthatreally what you want?’ Bibi asks, half turning to look at me with a cocked eyebrow.
I laugh, then sigh. ‘Actually, yes, it kind of really is,’ I admit. ‘I really want that boring intimacy. I want to know someone so well that I can discuss their lactose-intolerant shits. I want to be so comfy with a person that we can share our Tesco deliveries login. I want a partner who’ll moan about getting my hair in their bum crack and wrapped around the end of their penis. And yes, I want to eat biscuits in bed together and then complain about the crumbs ruining our standard, weekly missionary sex.’
Bibi rolls away. ‘Sounds fucking dreadful to me.’
‘But they love each other, even with the boring sex!’ I exclaim. ‘I can put up with lame sex. I’d probablypreferit to be honest. God, I hate giving blowjobs. You’d think all those LFTs men had to do during the pandemic would’ve made them realize how awful it is. Like, mate, if you’re choking and gagging, with eyes streaming for ten minutes over acotton bud, maybe it’s time for a rethink.’ Bibi smirks beside me and I put a hand on my hip. ‘Ooh, I know what your name is,’ I laugh, giving her a shove. ‘It was so obvious all along,Bridget. You’re so single and you’ve even got the giant pants.’
She shakes her head. ‘Nope.’
Louise is suddenly at the door in her dressing gown. Sheis all glowy and post-coital. Apparently even boring sex is still worth having.
‘Esty! You’re back!’
‘I’m back.’ I open my arms and she throws herself into me. She smells like sex, but I don’t mind. It’s the closest thing I can get to intimacy right now.
‘Was it magical?’ She looks up at me hopefully. ‘Are you back in love with Alistair? Or has he aged horribly and is now the kind of person who shares fifty memes a day on Facebook?’
