‘Woah!’ I say, pushing him away.
‘Come on, you know you want it,’ he says, smirking. Ugh, why did I think this was a good idea? Why did I want to meet up with a dirtbag? He is gross, and Jesus, his breath smells like he has eaten a burp.
‘I definitely do not want it, thank you,’ I say, firmly,frantically tapping my phone – why don’t I have a signal?
‘Don’t be so frigid, Alice girl. Let’s go back to mine, get high and I’ll give you a taste of my groin yoghurt. My groghurt.’
What?
Groin yoghurt? Groghurt? What in the name of all that is holy is groin ... Oh God, I get it. I feel the sick burning in the back of my throat.
And get high? That is outrageous! It isdisgraceful! Offering me drugs! On a date! How dare he!
I mean, obviously I want to do drugs on a date, but only with a guy I fancy. Duh.
‘Please go away, right now,’ I say firmly, and he shrugs – his signature gesture – but does leave. I watch him go and only finally breathe out when I’m sure he’s not coming back. Reassured, I turn back to my phone, which has found its network and I tap ‘requestUber’. It’s four minutes away and I quickly WhatsApp Eva, filling her in on my dreadful night.
Her reply is instant: ‘That sounds rubbish! Sorry Alice. But don’t worry. As they say, there are plenty more fish in the sea.’
I take a second to breathe.
I am annoyed. Really annoyed. It’s such anannoyingreply. Such a dismissal of how shit tonight was. She thinks some clichéd platitudemakes it all better? She has no idea how crappy the dating world is. She’s so smug over there in her lovely home, paid for by her parents, snuggled up on the sofa with her beloved Jeremy. The image fills me with jealous rage. It’s so easy for her. I didn’t even want anything from Robert tonight, just some fun and maybe a bit of casual sex. I didn’t need him to be The One, just not The Dick.
‘Eva, that’s bullshit,’ I fire back, tapping the screen with irritation. ‘Yeah, there might be plenty of fish in the sea, but believe me when I say, thedating-water is so contaminated and polluted, it’s not possible to actually swim in it. There are too many sewage works around, siphoning their green sludge off into the water, and making all the sexy single fish in the sea mutate into arseholeswith three eyes and ex issues.’
I press send and she replies quickly, regretfully. ‘Sorry Alice, didn’t mean to piss you off :(. He really does sound like a total wanker, I hope you’re not upset? I hope it hasn’t spoiled your trip? Sorry. Xxxx’
A second later, she sends another message. ‘Really sorry. How is Project Fun going otherwise?’
I sigh, feeling a little guilty for takingmy bad mood out on Eva.
‘Sorry for snapping, Eva, love you. And yes I’m fine,’ I text back. ‘I’m having a good time. It turns out my AirBnB host is totally brilliant. We got drunk last night on ‘frozé’ – or is it ‘frosé’? It’s frozen rosé and we had an argument about how it should be spelled.’
My car pulls up.
‘Car here, love you xx’, I type out quickly.
‘I’m glad he’s nice. Whenare you free to Skype?’ she replies, but I am gone.
