I stared at him for five full seconds. ‘Are you serious, man?’ I said, ready to walk straight out again.
He nodded, before continuing, ‘But it’s fine, because you’re also hotter than you looked, so it’s cool.’
He actually negged me before I’d even had a drink. Unbelievable.
‘Sit down,’ he waved his whiskey at me. ‘I’ve ordered you a pink cocktail.’
‘Apinkcocktail? Any particular reason you thought that was what I’d want?’ I said, eyebrows raised.
He shrugs. ‘That’s all you chicks ever drink, isn’t it?’
I took a deep breath, just as the waiter arrived, carefully placing the drink down on the table in front of me.
I stood there for another few seconds,breathing hard at the outrageously sexist and offensive generalisation. Never mind casually ordering for me without asking what I’d want, it’sSOoffensive to assume all women want some pretty, pink sparkly thing, just because we have more oestrogen.
I was absolutely livid.
And the fact that I do actually drink a lot of pink cocktails is very much beside the point.
‘Sit,’ he barkedagain, and for some inexplicable reason, I did. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just a trained monkey. Maybe I was too embarrassed to go back home to Patrick so soon. Maybe I didn’t want to waste the six hours ofmake-up and hair prep. But whatever my warped reasoning for staying, I was immediately trapped, and the conversation has been much of the same ever since.
Robert insisted we order food,demandingoff-menusteak-type items from the waiter because clearly a vegetable would threaten his masculinity. And all without once making eye contact with the poor beleaguered waiter, who definitely went away to spit in our food. Robert then spent the starter reciting entire scenes fromThe Godfather.
I’ve never seen it, and I can tell you with some sincerity I definitely never will now.
Then, when the main course came, he started screaming that his meat was too well done, and they needed to give him the animal ‘still squealing in agony’. And then he smirked at me as if that was sexy. The chat since has mostly revolved around his work (his boss is a moron), his car (it is fast) and his gun (it is a gun). But I’ve only been listening just enough to know when to nod in the rightplaces. Otherwise, I’ve been getting through this evening by playing episodes ofRick and Mortyin my head. And believe me, no one is getting squanched tonight.
Oh God, he’s coming back from the loo. He’s walking slowly, looking around the room, like he’s waiting for everyone to recognise him. He sits down, barely glancing at me.
‘Look, it’s getting late ...’ I begin. He holdsup his hand shushing me with one finger on my lips. I fight the urge to bite it off – he might find that sexy.
‘Be upfront, girl,’ he says in a husky voice. ‘If you want to come back to mine, just say it, girl. I won’t judge you for giving it up on a first date, I think we should just give in to our animal urges.’
I almost puke in my mouth. ‘Um, no, that isn’t what I meant,’ I say slowly.‘I mean, it’s late, so I should be getting home. I’m tired and ...’
He snorts. ‘It’s not late, don’t bullshit me, girl. If you want to give up on this, then that’s on you, but don’t bullshit me.’
‘I’m not ... it’s not ...giving upon anything,’ I say, bewildered and trying not to openly snarl over ‘girl’. ‘I just think it’s time to call it a night. We’ve had dinner, it’s time togo.’
He shrugs, mutters ‘fine’ and clicks his fingers at the waiter, who is midway through taking an order from another couple.
‘Garçon,’ he shouts across the room, making the international prick mime for the bill. I catch the waiter rolling his eyes as he turns back to his customers.
‘We’ll just gofifty-fifty,’ he says and I nod, repressing a sigh. I’m fine with going halves, Iwould’ve insisted if he hadn’t suggested it. But I reserve the right to be resentful over thefifty-dollar steak and seven whiskeys he’s mainlined throughout the meal, while I nursed one pink cocktail I didn’t want, and an orange juice.
‘Although ...’ he says, pausing as he pulls out his wallet. ‘You had that extra juice, didn’t you?’
You fucking wot?
‘Do you want me to just paythe whole thing?’ I say, the sarcasm dribbling from my mouth.
‘If you think that’s best,’ he says calmly, deliberately putting his wallet back in his pocket.
Oh my God, he is unbelievable. I feel the boiling rage fireworking in my belly, but I breathe deeply and swallow it. I suddenly really missTD.
We leave together and I pull out my phone ready to order an urgent Uber. Please,please let there be one available within a minute.
That’s when he leans in to kiss me.
