Ultimately, you have to figure out how to be happy for yourself because you can’t expect other people to create the happy for you. What I’ve realised in the last few months is that happiness comes and goes. No one is happy all the time. And that’s fine. Life is about feeling all of it and enjoyingthe journey. It’s what Terry the coach driver said – instead of always chasing what’s next, I need to learn how to make the most of what was happening around me.
And smile more.
My phone buzzes and I look down to see Eva is trying to FaceTime me. It’s too loud in here, but I want to talk to my lovely best friend. I want to make time for her.
I wave my phone at my family andrun outside to answer.
‘Hello you,’ I say at her beautiful smiling face.
‘Aah, Alice, I miss you,’ she says, skipping the greeting.
‘Me too,’ I grin affectionately. ‘How are things back home with Jeremy and the bump?’
‘Really good,’ she says, beaming contentedly. ‘I promise I’m talking to him properly about everything, like you told me to. He’s so kind, I was silly to think hecouldn’t handle hearing what I was worried about. I’m still scared, but I think we’re going to beOK.’
‘I’m so glad, Eva!’ I say, smiling widely. ‘I can’t believe you’ll soon be a mum! It’s so amazing that you’re making a person in there.’
She nods. ‘I know, it’s so clever.’
‘And only a tiny bit like the plot ofAlien,’ I add and she giggles.
My phone beeps and a message dropsdown on the screen.
‘It’s Isy,’ I tell Eva, tapping on it.
‘Is sheOK?’ she asks and I grimace. ‘I had a chat with her last night, and she’s ended things with Ethan, that wanker producer. He tried to get her to have a threesome, and she was almost insecure enough to do it. She backed out at the last minute, thank God, but of course he was shitty about it and said he was going to find someoneelse to make up the third. So she dumped him.’
Eva makes a sympathetic face. ‘Poor thing, I know she liked him a lot.’
‘She did,’ I agree, ‘but she got an advert out of it, which paid her big bucks and she said she’s already had some auditions off the back of that project. I reckon she’s going to move more into telly and commercial stuff now. She says she’s proved herself in the theatreworld and this is a new and important challenge for her art.’
We both stifle a giggle. Typical Isy.
‘Anyway, I’m sad she is sad,’ I say, pulling myself up because I am the new, kinder Alice Edwards. ‘But I was trying to tell her about the joys of being single and then she made some randommurmur-y noises, before confessing that she’s been spending a lot of time with my AirBnBhost-pal,Patrick.’
Eva throws her head back and laughs.
‘Good for her!’ she says, wiping her eyes.
‘I know right!’ I say, laughing too. ‘I’m happy for them both, they’d make beautiful babies.’
We smile at each other and she grins. ‘I am so excited you’re coming home soon, Alice.’
I make a face I don’t really mean and she adds, ‘Aw, sorry. I guess you must be really bummed about comingback here to this grey British summer and real life. Have you got the travelling bug now? Will you be off on another adventure immediately?’
I make a face like I’m considering it but I already know the answer.
‘No,’ I say, shaking my head and laughing. ‘I’ve had such an amazing time these last few months, and I’m going to enjoy this last bit as much as I can, but I’ve realised I’m definitelynot a traveller at heart. I miss expensive shoes and my GHDs. I misshome-cooked junk food, and deciding what temperature to have the thermostat on, y’know? I like being at home – wherever that will be next – and I’m excited to just lie in bed watching Netflix for a week without feeling guilty about wasting the sunshine. And oh my God I miss having a Boots nearby.’
She laughs. ‘Really?! Ithought you were having the time of your life.’
‘Oh, I have had an incredible time,’ I say quickly. ‘And I’ve learnt so much and figured so much stuff out. But I don’t think it was necessarily the travelling that did that. It’s more about the people I met. I think people are what make up the fun parts of life and experiences. And the thing is, I wasn’t really going away to travel and see theworld, was I? I left to escape because I thought I had a shitty life that wasn’t worth sticking around for. I went away to avoid living my life because I felt sorry for myself. But there is so much to be at home for and so much I can do and see back there.’
She breaks into a grin, looking down at her belly, and I laugh. ‘Yes, indeed, becoming an honorary auntie is definitely one of them,’I confirm, pausing then before I continue. ‘I still want to take trips and go on wonderful holidays in the future, but I think probably just a week or two inTenerife-type adventures. I don’t need to do any more fauxself-discovery stuff really. Don’t get me wrong, I do like beaches and joy. I like the joy of seeing things, the joy of meeting people, the joy of showing off about it online becausewhy not. But I can do that in smaller ways.’
Eva giggles.
‘I’m excited about what’s going to come next,’ I say, ‘because I have no idea what it is. But whatever it is, I do think I’m going to beOK.’
