Joely growls with frustration. ‘She told everyone there would be no kids allowed at the service but a few of our relatives have gone mental about it. They were ringing her up all day yesterday to shout at her that she has to make an exception just for their children. They’re acting as if it’s their big day and they have a say. I know it’s rubbish for her to deal with and must be a massive burden or whatever, but this isherwedding and I’ve heard her moan enough about it for ten lifetimes! It really isn’t my problem. Lauren wants to get married on short notice, and also have the biggest, fanciest, most pretentious event ever, so she has to deal with the consequences. I told her it was a terrible idea to do this in six months and she should’ve given herself longer, but she never listens to anyone but herself. She thinks she can do anything she likes just because she’s thebride, and we’re expected to follow her around picking up the slack. Fuck the bride. She should just tell our idiot relatives no if she doesn’t want their kids there! Why is that so hard? She loves saying no to us; why can’t she say it loud and proud to bitchy Aunt Martha? And either way, I don’t want to hear any more about it, you know? She’s taking over my life. Everything in my life is suddenly about weddings and I’m not even getting married. Before all this, I was quite close to becoming a two-naps-a-day person, did you know that? That is the dream, the absolute dream, and now I don’t even get one proper nap because she’ll wake me up with some inane problem.’
I nod awkwardly. Naps are important.
She goes on: ‘I haven’t even had time to do my blog properly over the last few weeks because I’ve been so distracted. My fake boyfriend dumped me because I kept missing our set-up dates. I’ve had to settle for someBig Brotherstar from 2010 for my next publicity relationship. My followers keep asking if something’s wrong and one girl commented on my last photo that I looked like I hadn’t slept in a month! I’m going to start losing followers soon, just because Lauren’s too self-obsessed to see that no one gives a shit about her wedding. I’m over it, Lil, totally bored of it. She’s acting like she’s the first person to ever get married. Newsflash, dickhead, everyone does it and no one cares! As if anyone’s interested in table plans. Just fuck off already, Lauren.’
A voice full of ice cuts through the middle of us, from behind. ‘Well, it’s good to know what you actually think.’ Joely and I whip around as one, and Lauren is standing there, red-faced and completely, absolutely, totally furious.
Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no.
‘Lauren, it wasn’t...’ I begin, horror filling me as I try to count up the many terrible, destructive words she just overheard. Oh God, what did she see me doing? What was I doing? Nodding? Agreeing? I can’t think – I was on autopilot. How was I reacting? How many supportive noises did I make while Joely was talking? Shit.
Lauren immediately stops me before I can say anything else, holding up a hand to my face. She’s shaking with rage. ‘Don’t even bother, Lilah,’ she snaps. ‘I heard everything she said, I know exactly how she feels now. I suspected as much, and now I know. She’s a spoilt princess and I’m sick of her selfish nastiness. She thinks the whole world revolves around her and it doesn’t. She’s just a fuckingblogger– it’s not even a real job – and she thinks it makes her better than us and too good to help her friends. But it doesn’t, it makes her a pathetic, sad bitch, and everyone is laughing at her.’
Joely’s shocked mouth snaps shut and she is suddenly just as angry as Lauren. ‘You know what?’ she spits, standing up straight to her full six-foot height, and towering over her averagely sized cousin. ‘I’m not even sorry you heard all that, Lauren, because it’s high time you got some home truths.I’mthe princess? I’ve never known anyone with such a princess complex. You’ve been such a nightmare these last few months and I’m so sick of all your irrational demands. Everyone is. Do you even hear yourself sometimes? It’s about time someone told you to cut it out. We are not your wedding slaves and we are not your hen do minions.’ She turns to me. ‘Lilah, did I even tell you that this cow told me to lose weight for the wedding?’
Lauren takes a step towards us. ‘That’s bullshit, Joely, and you know it. I was pissed off that you’d put on weight just before the bridesmaid fittings, and I made the smallest, tiniest little comment about you dropping a few of the kebabs on occasion so you could get into the dress. Believe me, I was seriously holding back, you have no idea. You think you’ve been restrained over the last few months – I’m the one who’s had to hold my tongue. You’re so rude and unhelpful. You seem to go out of your way to make me feel shit about asking for help, even though you know full well I’m dealing with all of this on my own. I haven’t even asked for that much but you have deliberately looked bored and been useless at every single one of our wedding meetings. You haven’t even had the decency to bother trying to disguise it. It’s pathetic. This is mywedding, Joely. The biggest, most important moment of my life, and you’re meant to care about that and be there for me. Not just as my bridesmaid and one of my best friends, but as my cousin too. You’re family – you’re supposed to be there for me. But no. No, because it’s not all about you and your stupid cocking Instagram profile and stupid wanking blog, you can’t even pretend to care, can you? You are unbelievable.’
Joely throws her head back and laughs sarcastically. ‘Oh, Lauren. This is incredible. You are the most self-obsessed, un-self-aware person in the entire universe. I had no idea how badly you’ve climbed up inside your perfectly bleached bum hole! I can’t believe you actually just said all those things out loud. You have been demanding our full attention every waking moment for months now. No one’s allowed to talk about anything else. We can’t even go for a drink together anymore – it has to be a stupid wedding meeting. Have you asked me anything about my life lately, Lauren? Can you think of even one moment you’ve considered doing that since May? Do you know anything about how I am? Do you know, for example, that I got dumped recently? Because I can’t remember you asking even once. Yes, your wedding is important. Lordy, do we know it’s important. But it’s notTHISimportant. It’s not meant to require your friends giving up their entire lives for you for months on end. That is absolutely insane. And Lilah feels the same, don’t you, Lilah?’
Uh-oh. I have been watching their shouting match get louder and louder, and nastier and nastier, with growing terror. I knew I was going to be dragged in at any moment, and as they both turn to face me now, panting with anger, I just stand there, frozen, with my mouth hanging open. I am a rabbit caught in headlights, as the oncoming furious, unstoppable traffic thunders towards me.
Lauren turns back to Joely when I don’t answer. ‘Don’t try to bring Lilah into this, you bag of shit,’ she screams. ‘She loves helping me, she’s not an unhelpful, resentful bitch like you. And she’sMYbest friend, not yours, so if you think she’s going to take your side over mine, you have reached a new level of absolute dumb. You’ve been trying to steal her off me for years, and especially lately, but you can just back off. You’re only part of this group because we feel sorry for you, you stupid whore. We don’t even want you as our friend, do we, Lilah?’
I whimper and Joely laughs spitefully. ‘She is not your lemming, Lauren. She has her own opinions, her own life. Look at what you do to her, she can’t even speak. Look – she was even too scared to tell you Will proposed to her because she knows you’ll lose your shit about her getting more attention than you for one second. Can’t have that, can we? A huge, massive moment in her life and she didn’t tell you. What does that say about you? I know that Lilah’s sick of you, just like I am. Come on, Lilah, tell her the truth for once – tell her you’re sick of it.’
I have no idea what to say, so I stand there looking from one to the other.
‘Lilah?’ Lauren says impatiently.
Joely crosses her arms, bright red and livid. Her perfect, lovely features are contorted with fury. ‘Lilah?’ she snarls like an echo.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I reply eventually in a small voice. I really don’t. I don’t agree with anything they’ve said, but then I also agree with all of it. They’re both wrong and they’re both right. And I know nothing I could say right now would make either of them happy.
Joely rolls her eyes angrily when the silence stretches on. ‘Right, OK, Lilah, maybe youareLauren’s lemming after all. You’re too chicken to actually say what you think. But I know you’re sick of her behaviour too. Iknowyou are. You’ve been on the receiving end of her demanding nonsense even worse than me and I’m close to murdering my whole family just to escape her.’ Joely glares at me, as Lauren starts in on me too.
‘Lilah, tell her you don’t feel like that. Tell her right now. I’m serious, Lilah, tell her to sod off and that I haven’t been demanding too much of you.’
I am breathing so hard, my whole body is hot and sweaty. I blink rapidly and swallow down tears. I know I am close to full-on bursting into sobs and I know this would be the wrong moment to do so. They’re waiting, both staring at me with hate-filled expressions and still I say nothing.
‘Screw this,’ mutters Joely. ‘I’m sick of it. I’m leaving. I have better things to do than deal with you two. Don’t call me, don’t text me – either of you. I can’t deal with your demanding shit –’ she points at Lauren – ‘and I can’t deal with your cowardly shit.’ She points at me and then she turns on her heel and storms out.
Lauren turns to me. ‘I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, Lilah, but I’m sick of it too. You’re meant to be my best friend. I have always had your back, always stood up for you and protected you, but you couldn’t do it for me even once today. You’ve clearly been slagging me off behind my back with her, and lying to me about stuff with Will. Why wouldn’t you tell me that he proposed to you? Do you actually think I’m that much of a monster to have been annoyed? I would’ve been thrilled for you! But you decided to hide it, act like I’m some unbearable ego villain, and then surprise us with it today, months later, when I’m more stressed out than I’ve ever been in my life. Did you say no because of me? Did you? Because I never asked you to do anything like that, I never would. I would’ve been happy for you if it’s what you wanted. Well, thanks so much, Lilah, now I know how you really see me.’ She pauses, and my mouth opens and shuts. She goes on, and her voice is sad and hateful. ‘You know what? I don’t need your help with the wedding anymore. You clearly don’t want to help and I don’t need you. You’re no longer my maid of honour. I thought you were my best friend, and I thought you’d be happy about being included in my special day, but clearly you’re as ungrateful and selfish as Joely. Just... forget it. Delete my number.’ She grabs her handbag furiously, and, after giving me one more awful, murderous look, she leaves too.
Wedding Number Ten:Aakifah and Talal, The Granary Estate, Isle of Anglesey
Theme:Garden party, which apparently means loads of elderly people holding teacups in a large marquee.
Menu:Smoked salmon starter, followed by chicken and a meringue dessert. Veggie option: stuffed red pepper with goat’s cheese.
Gift:Honeymoon vouchers, because who really cares at this point @ £50.
Gossip:A very drunk pair of groomsmen stole all the disposable cameras from the tables and did an extensive genital-based photoshoot in the loos. Word is that the bride’s dad later collected them all up to have the pics developed and made into a special album for his baby girl.
My bank balance:-£1112.12
16
‘Siri,’ I breathe out slowly, ‘what am I going to do with my life?’
