Shit.
Shit shit shit.
‘Oh, well, I mean, notreally,’ I add hurriedly. ‘It wasn’t a proper proposal, just a throwaway comment, just a Will joke, you know? You know what he’s like! He didn’t mean it.’
Why did I say that? What was I trying to prove? This was not the way I wanted to tell them. And I didn’t even tellthem– I told a fucking nosy stranger. Dammit, that was so stupid.
Stupid stupid stupid.
He didn’t even propose, not properly, it was just a laugh, designed to wind me up. He didn’t really propose!! A picture flashes through my brain of Will’s face when he saw me in that wedding dress. His excitement, and the hints afterwards, followed by the almost-row about wanting more from our future. If I’m being honest with myself, I know what that all meant. I know what he wants. But I don’t want to face it. I’m not ready to face it.
This isn’t the right time for us to be thinking about any of that anyway – and not just because I’m not ready, but because things aren’t... they’re not right between us.OK, it’s more than that, they’re actively bad. In fact, things have been getting dramatically worse since that day in the car. I was supposed to make it up to him the other day with tickets to the premiere of a new Marvel superhero film. He’s been going on about it for ages and it seemed like kismet when Aslan offered me the tickets. Will was so adorably excited and seemed so happy, after weeks of being weird. I knew this mattered to him, I knew it was important, and I still messed it up. I got trapped in a wedding cake shop with Lauren and lost track of time. When I realised how late it was, I panicked. I tried to ring him but couldn’t get any service so I dashed across town in an Uber I couldn’t afford, running across a huge car park, only to find the cinema people wouldn’t let me in, which was so unfair. Just because I was a sweaty, shrieky madwoman, covered in cake and demanding entrance to a film that started an hour before... It’s outrageous and I will be writing to their head office.
I sat in the foyer, sad-eating popcorn until Will eventually emerged. And predictably, he was heartbreakingly nice about it.
I kept saying sorry and Will kept telling me not to worry, and because I’m not used to upsetting him, I didn’t know how to handle it, so I just kept on apologising. I knew I was being annoying, but I couldn’t stop. There was a point where I thought he was going to explode at me, and then my phone went and it was Lauren sending me pictures of alternative cakes. She was still in the bakery and she still hadn’t made a decision.
But it was like that was my last chance with him. Everything’s been different since then and I hardly recognise us as a couple right now. Not that we’re arguing – we still can’t even have a shitting argument – but we’ve moved into another type of relationship existence. One where we live in separate universes. We barely bump into each other at all and when we do, we’re tip-toeing around. We’ve not spoken properly and we’re only seeing each other when we climb into bed at night. And even that tends to be at different times. He’s usually fast asleep by the time I get in after a long day of work, wedding chores, FU admin, complaining with Joely, and emotional maintenance with Lauren.
I don’t know what to do, though. I know the problem is me and my schedule, but I’m still ignoring it. I keep telling myself that I just need to hold on a little bit longer, get through this busy patch, and then I can focus all my energies on him. We can spend all the time together in the world, fix things, do the travelling thing (what’s another couple of credit cards?) and maybe even talk about this future he seems to have mapped out for us. Just another couple of months and then I swear I will make it up to him. I really will, and if you can somehow hear these thoughts, Will, know that I’m really, really sorry about all this.
And even sorrier that my apologies are mostly just happening inside my brain.
‘When was this?’ Lauren says sharply. ‘When was this “joke” proposal?’
‘Ohhh...’ I wave my hand, as if to shoo away the conversation. ‘Ages ago. Months ago. It wasn’t a big deal, really. I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t real and it honestly didn’t matter.’
She relaxes a fraction but I can tell she is angry. I can’t tell if she’s annoyed about her proposal toes being trodden on or about being kept in the dark about something so important. I’m not sure. It could be either or it could be both. Joely, though, looks delighted.
‘What did he say exactly?’ she crows, and I feel Lauren re-stiffen beside me. ‘Tell me exactly the words he used!’ She leans in even closer. ‘How can it be a joke? You can’t jokinglyproposeto someone! Will is mad about you, Lilah. I bet he meant it really! You know what they say – there’s no such thing as a joke. What would you say if he asked you for real? Did you tell Franny? What did she say? I bet she told you not to do it, but you should totally say yes! Maybe you and Lauren could have a joint wedding!’
She definitely said that last thing deliberately to stir, and I shake my head decisively. I’m trying to read Lauren’s expression out of the corner of my eye but she is blank-faced as I go on, as firmly as I can. ‘There’s nothing to say yes to! It’s not a thing. I shouldn’t have even mentioned it. And even if it was a thing, I don’t want to get married now anyway. I’m not ready.’
‘Well, you’re a very stupid girl, if you ask me.’ The woman is still listening and she sighs aggressively now. I wonder again what she’s getting out of this conversation. She continues briskly: ‘You should’ve bitten his hand off. Proposals don’t come along every day, you know – especially for womenyourage. And that’s nonsense about beingready. Why on earth wouldn’t you want to get married? Every girl wants to get married. What else is there for you?’
Er, work? Friends? Family? Fun?LIFE? I don’t say that, I just shrug helplessly.
‘Her parents are divorced,’ Joely interjects suddenly, apparently on the woman’s side.
‘It’s not that!’ I say, a little too loudly, and a few people in the rows in front turn around to glare at us.
I lower my voice to a whisper. ‘It’s not that! I just don’t know if it’s what I really want at all. Why do we get married anyway? I love weddings, and I understand that having a party for everyone you know and care about is wonderful, but I’m not sure I want one for myself. It seems like a huge amount of stress and expense. If I had that amount of money lying around, I’d rather buy a house, redecorate or go travelling. Do something that excites me. I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in the sanctity of signing a bit of paper, and I think people and circumstances change too much to make a forever kind of promise like that. I don’t know where I’ll be or how I’ll feel in a year, never mind fifty. I just don’tgetmarriage. It’s meaningless.’ I feel Lauren shift uncomfortably next to me and I add quickly, ‘I mean, that’s what I think about marriage for mepersonally. I think it’s a totally brilliant thing to do if you believe in it. I don’t mean I’m against marriage altogether, I just mean...’ I trail off as someone in front of us turns around and angrily shushes us. My cheeks flame as I sink lower in my seat. Beside me, freezing cold vibes are coming off Lauren in waves.
The dancing is immense but I’m too distracted to truly enjoy it. I’m watching in a trance from the sidelines of the dance floor, as the array of beautiful colours fly in every direction. A few feet away, Joely is dancing like a madwoman with some guy, who leans in and whispers something in her ear. She shrieks with laughter and then shakes her head, striding away in my direction without another word.
She joins me and I say, ‘He seems nice,’ nodding at the forlorn-looking man she’s abandoned.
‘Oh, him?’ she says. ‘He’s dreadful. He looks like a White Walker with a pinky ring. I am less than zero interested in him. Negative interested. Do you know what he just said to me? I asked him for dancing tips and he said, “I’ll give you a tip, babe – my penis tip!”’ She laughs and adds, ‘Don’t you think that’s hilarious? I mean hilarious in a bad way. Men are just so interesting. Did he really think that would work? What was I going to say? “Sounds great – show me to the nearest floor space for the sex”. And only his tip? What about the rest? Does he not know how sex works? His poor previous girlfriends. Or maybe he’s never had any. I can’t imagine many girls putting up with just a tip for very long.’
I laugh with her but I’m distracted. She takes my drink from out of my hand, taking a long sip through the straw, before handing it back. What’s mine is hers full stop, and I like it.
‘Where’s Lauren?’ I say, looking around a little anxiously. I’m worried about her. After the service, she shot off, muttering something about needing the loo and I haven’t seen her since. The line can’t be that long. Well, I mean, obviously itcanbe that long because it always is with the ladies, but I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than that.
I can tell she’s angry with me. I shouldn’t have said that stuff about marriage – that was really dumb and insensitive. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. She didn’t need to know about Will’s half proposal. Now she’ll think I’m trying to steal her thunder, or her limelight, and it’s very important no one steals any of those things from Lauren.
Joely sways to the music. ‘Last time I saw her she was talking the bride’s ear off about flower arrangements,’ she says disinterestedly. ‘She seemed fine, don’t worry about her. Hopefully she stays over there, because I’m really at my shit-eating limit with her wedding babble. I really am.’ She leans in for another sip from my straw, before continuing: ‘Jesus, it started before we even got here today. She rang me at four this morning in a panic about whether she should let children come along to the day part of her ceremony. Like I give any kind of a shit. Did she not call you too?’
I think guiltily about how I’ve started putting my phone on silent at night, and the three missed calls I woke up to today.
