I woke the next morning with a massive headache and rolled over in bed, groaning. One day. I had one day home before I had to go back on tour. Before this was my life, I thought singers sat around in their mansions like some Hugh Hefner clone with guitars. Shit, I couldn’t have been more wrong. You tour for months. One night in Chicago, then fly off to London. Japan, who fucking knew they liked the kind of shit I sing in Japan? Then, when you do come home, you’re writing songs, meeting with people. Recording. Doing interviews and going on talk shows. Grueling, I know, but until you walk in these shoes, you can’t appreciate how it fucks with yourhead.
In Rockford, I was just a little shit with a goodvoice.
Girls wanted to fuck me. Guys hated me. But I knew who I was, and I knew who my friends were: Trevor and Benji—and I haven’t talked to them in months. But here, everyone wants to be my friend. People use and abuse you. You forget you’re a person because everything is aboutbrand.
“Think about your brand,Noah.”
“Oh, you can’t post that on social media, it will hurt yourbrand.”
“Smile! You’re a country guy without a care—remember,brand!”
Brand. Brand.Brand!
Fuck abrand!
They didn’t care if I drank myself into a stupor so long as I smiled and made that country accent thick when I said: “God Bless Y’all” at the end of each show. It was suchbullshit.
I sat up in bed, scrubbing my hand over my jaw before I grabbed my phone and dialed Trevor’s number. It rang three times before going to voicemail. I hung up and staggered into the shower, her letters fresh on my mind. The longer I thought about it, the angrier I grew. Had I been that big of a fucking idiot to let her just walk away? I had. I had because I was afraid of getting hurt, and in the process, I just hurt usboth.
She hated me. She had to hate me. She thought I used her… I couldn’t stand it. If nothing else, I refused to let her believe that bullshit. I couldn’t call her. I couldn’t get in touch with her on social media. And I had one day before I left for another stint of thetour.
“Shit,” I turned the shower off and grabbed a towel as I stepped out, only halfway drying off before heading back to my room. One day was all I needed to make this right. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, both of which stuck to my damp body. I grabbed the suitcase by the door and dumped the contents on the bed before cramming clean clothesinside.
She loved me, and that changedeverything.
______
Four hours later, I passed Grandma’s house. God, I felt like shit for not stopping, but she didn’t know I was in town. No one did. Because the last time I came down, people caught wind of it and Grandma had to call the Sheriff to get fans off thelawn.
I drove onto County Road 2 and passed the old cemetery. When the black mailbox came into view, my heart suddenly went into a sprint. Sampson sat up on the front porch when I pulled onto the gravel drive and parked underneath the oak tree. As soon as I cut the engine, he howled and bolted off the porch, scampering through the pile of leaves toward mytruck.
“Hey, Sampson.” He circled around me, wagging his tail and sniffing the leg of myjeans.
The familiar creak of the screen door caught my attention and I glanced up just before it closed with a bang. John walked to the edge of the porch and braced his hands on the worn railing. There was a part of me that wanted to ask him if I was good enough now? But I didn’t. I didn’t care what he thought, I only cared abouther.
“I left her alone, like you asked,” I said, throwing my arms out. “Did that work outgood?”
He dropped his chin to his chest, curling his fingers around the banister. “I shouldn’t have donethat…”
“Well, I shouldn’t have given up so easily.” I took a few steps toward the house. “I came here to tell her I’m sorry,John.”
“She ain’there.”
“I’ll wait.” I leaned against the trunk of the tree I used to climb for her. “She’s not here, Noah.” He glanced up and I noticed how much he’d aged. Deep lines seemed a permanent fixture on his forehead. His hair had more gray than I recalled. I guess the stress of losing Claire had taken its toll. “She moved away after her momma died. She took it hard. Wealltook ithard.”
I dragged my hand down my face and exhaled. I felt bad for him. I felt terrible for her. And I felt like the shittiest person ever because I hadn’t been there when I told her I would. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I can’timagine…”
“Well, she’s with the Lord now.” I heard a slight catch in his voice and he pushed away from the railing and started back to thedoor.
“John! I need to talk toher.”
He placed his hand on the doorknob and stopped, his shoulders falling on a hard sigh. “I appreciate you wanting to apologize, but she’s been through a lot and I think it’s best ifyou—”
“I cared about her more than anything. I need to apologize forleaving.”
He looked over his shoulder. “You’ve done real good for yourself, you should be proud.” And with that, he stepped inside, the screen door slamming shut behindhim.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!Frustration wound through me, tensing my muscles. A low growl crept from my throat as I glanced up at her room. If I closed my eyes, the memory of her standing in front of that window and dropping her shirt seemed so real. The way she kissed me, the way she looked at me like I could be her everything. How could I not have realized she lovedme?
