Bo pushed away from the wall and yanked my door open. A few seconds later the door to his room slammed shut. Staring down the hall, I sighed. I felt lost, no, trapped—trapped was a better word. I’d moved home at a time when I thought I’d be starting my life. I was losing the person I thought would always be there, the woman I expected to help me plan a wedding, give me advice on raising children. Outside of our house, everyone’s life went on as normal. Sure, Meg was sympathetic, but when it came down to it, it didn’t affect her. And the people it did affect wouldn’t even acknowledge it. Not really. It was like a huge gaping wound everyone simplyignored.
I grabbed my phone and texted Noah:Are youbusy?
Ten percent survival.There was nothing I could do to change that. Not one thing. As much as we want to pretend we’re in control of our lives, we aren’t. Control is a pretty façade we dance behind to make it through each day, because when you really accept that you aren’t in charge of your own fate, it makes you feeltrapped.
Ten percent survival.I laid down on the bed and stared at the glow in the dark stars, thinking about the night Meg and I stuck them to my ceiling. It was the summer after sixth grade, and she had gotten her first kiss the night before at the bowling alley in Alex City.Memories.And then I thought, at least I’ll have memories when Momma is gone… I closed my eyes and laid there, trying to remember things, trying to burn in the happy thoughts of Christmas and fireworks, family picnics, trips to the beach. I was terrified that somehow I’d lose those too.Trapped. I sat up, dragging my hands down my face. I didn’t want to be trapped. I wanted to feelsafe.
Tap. Tap. Tap.I looked over at the window, and there was Noah, straddling the tree limb. A sympathetic smile turned one corner of his lip up when I walked over and raised thewindow.
“Come on.” He held out his hand and I placed my foot on the ledge, quickly climbing through the window. He scooted back against the trunk and pulled me against his chest, nuzzling his face into my neck. “You okay?” His arm came to rest across my chest, and I grabbed onto his forearm. I felt grounded. Safe. No longertrapped.
“No,” Ibreathed.
He kissed the top of my head and I leaned against his shoulder. “You wanna talk aboutit?”
I shook my head. “Just holdme.”
There was something freeing about sitting in the dark with his arms wrapped tightly around me. After a few moments of silence, he swept my hair to the side. “I still haven’t sung your song toyou.”
I smiled. “Well, by allmeans…”
He inhaled before humming a note against my ear. The summer heat swirled around us. “My eyes are on her and that knee length dress. The devil said she’s too good for me, he’s doin’ his best.” I closed my eyes and dropped one leg over the branch as I melted into him as he sang. The melody was slow and soft, and when he got to the chorus tears clouded my eyes. “Pretty girl, oh my pretty girl, what promise would it take? To keep your smile, your kiss, your touch? Pretty girl, oh my pretty girl, don’t let me let you down.” My chest grew so tight I could barely breathe. I turned around on the limb as much as I could, and I kissed him. I believed, in that moment, that music was his way of saying things he couldn’t. I believed he loved me. As crazy as it sounded, I knew I loved him. I loved him because I didn’t worry about what I said or what I did, I didn’t have to pretend with him. So many people promised to be there, and he was the only one who reallywas.
We stayed in the tree until the night sky lightened to a dark blue then to the light pink and orange of sunrise. A swallow landed on one of the branches, singing, and Noah shifted behind me. “How many people do you think take the time to watch a sunrise?” heasked.
“I don’tknow.”
“It’s a shame, you know. We only have so many chances to watch the sun comeup.”
“You’re smarter than you leton.”
“Nah, it’s just that my mind isn’t cluttered up with a bunch of useless shit.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “I like watching the sunrise withyou.”
“Metoo.”
“Alright, pretty girl, I better go on and get to work.” He kissed my cheek before scooting out from behind me, grabbing the branch, and lowering himself to the ground. “I’ll see you later.” He winked. I watched him walk across the front yard, straight to my daddy’s shop before I climbed back through my window and crawled intobed.
The sun was already up. I wasn’t afraid to fallasleep.
______
It was three by the time I woke up in a panic. Something must have startled me because I sat straight up, gasping for air and clutching at my racing heart. Once I got dressed, I checked on Momma. She was sleeping, so I went downstairs to thekitchen.
The fresh scent of lemon Pledge swirled in the air, and I caught Daddy wiping down the kitchen table. “You feel alright?” he asked as I made my across thekitchen.
“Yeah. I just couldn’t sleep last night.” I grabbed a bottle of water and a yogurt from thefridge.
“I understand.” He pulled the chair out and took a seat, drumming his fingers on the table. “I didn’t sleep too well myself.” There was a hint of tension in his tone, but I thought nothing of it, just grabbed a spoon from the drawer and went to sit across from him and eat my yogurt. After I took the first bite, my gaze strayed to the window behind the table. I could see Noah and Bo working thefields.
“Noah’s a good kid.” Daddy sighed. “But please tell me you aren’t seeinghim.”
“I’m, I mean…” I dropped the spoon into the yogurt cup. “We’re just...”What are we?“Justfriends.”
“Mmm.” His lips pressed together in a hard line, and he drummed his fingers on the table again. “Your mother thinks differently.” His gaze set hard on me and he did the slow, disapproving nod he used to do when he caught me in alie.
There was a second where I felt like a small child again, where I feared I’d let himdown.
“Hannah, he’s not good enough foryou.”
