“Sheesh, Autumn. Y’all should make a movie,” Brina cackles.
“Yeah, girl, close ya mouth,” Dal joins in.
Autumn blushes and plops back down. “I forget how sexy he is when he’s got a baby in his arms. My birth control be fighting for its life I swear.”
“Do you want more kids?” Van asks. She and Dal have grown close, and she’s a bridesmaid in Dal’s wedding.
Autumn blinks and she’s back on earth. “Hell no. Y’all ain’t know me before Deucey, but he fucked my body up so bad.”
“You’ve always been thick, Haze,” Rico purrs as he rubs Brina’s feet. She’s got maybe two more weeks, but her belly’s definitely dropped, and again, she shouldn’t be here.
I’m sure Set will be coming to get her soon.
“Yeah, but I wasslimthick. Another one will give me permanent cankles. Deucey’s fine with just Rue.” She waves us off and grabs Dal’s wedding binder. “Now, let’s talk floral decorations.”
If I eat any more dairy I’ll start puking shit. So I’m onto my second form of defense against the sadness; musicals.
And of course, my favorite song onDreamgirls, about staying and making a man love you, has me violently sobbing.
It’s not even that I loved Dan. Sometimes I didn’t even like him. But it took both of us to make my little bean, and now it’s just me having to tell her why she doesn’t have a father.
An aneurysm took my own daddy out. It wasn’t like he left us willingly, or skirted his responsibilities. He loved his woman. He loved his kids. And even if he stepped out on my mom, he wouldn’t leave his outside kids out. Family is big to us.
Family is big to me.
And mine is fractured. Has been for almost three decades now.
I miss Mo.
It’s hard to believe my big brother’s been gone almost a year. Before he passed, he’d been five years into a life bid. So I’m used to him not being here physically. It’s the calls I miss. The letters.
He’d know what to do. He’d tell me to chin up, and I’d do that. He’d try to convince me not to bring his niece to see him, but it’d be for nothing. She’d know her Uncle Mo. He’d be her stand-in, like he was for me.
Not for the first time, I wonder what the hell I’m doing. I mean, I know it’s my Saturn Return, but geez. I haven’t even had the motivation to create since I found out I’m pregnant. No one trusts me to even live by myself. I’m gonna blow up any day now.
And I’m already knowing when I start lamaze classes next week, they’re gonna think me and Dal are lesbians.
My last thought makes laughter bubble up through the tears, and just like that I’m reminded of the silver lining of everything.
“Never saw anyone laugh at Effie’s pain.”
My eyes stretch as I fumble with the remote to pause my movie.
But Shotta is already rounding the couch and sitting next to me with popcorn in a huge bowl. “I love this movie. You think Deena was fucking Curtis foreal or Effie was just paranoid? I mean, before she was kicked out.”
More silly giggles flow out my mouth as I take him in. His hair is crinkly and full of product, and pulled into a ponytail on the nape of his neck. His white tee stretches across his shoulders, and those biceps ripple every time he throws popcorn into his mouth.
When he glances at me, he does a double take. “Why you crying, Mace?”
His voice is so soft, caressing me almost better than a hug would, and another sob rolls through me.
Somehow, I end up in this nigga’s lap with my head buried into his chest. No, seriously. His big ass hand is palming my head, smushing my baby curls, keeping my head in between his pecs. He smells heavenly, a mix of laundry detergent and a clean cologne I need the name of. I need all my future niggas to smell like him.
His other hand rubs my back almost lazily. With his arms around me, I let myself go.
It’s just for a moment.
I want to feel safe for just a moment.
