“I made an appointment with a shrink and switched him from coding to band camp next month.”
“You’re overreacting as usual, Daddy.”
“And you don’t reactenough, Candy. There’s something wrong with him–”
“There’snothingwrong with Rahshad! My baby’s smart, caring–”
“Candy, you know he’s behind that video of that boy being posted, just like you know he’s that boy in the video beating him up!”
“We don’t know anything, Daddy. Shaddy isn’t the only boy who knows his way around a computer.”
“I should have never let you get back in touch with Bishop… You know Smoochie has an addictive personality. You know we have to handle him a certain way. And you let him go offinto the lion’s den every weekend. God knows what he’s being exposed to.”
Granddad never used to be disappointed in me. Not like now. My chest tightens as I squeeze the door knob.
“Rahshad deserves to know his father, and I already told you, there’s nothing wrong with my baby. He’s not seeing a fucking shrink.”
“Well, I’m taking his laptop.”
I burst out onto the back porch. “No! Please, Granddad, don’t take my computer! It wasn’t my fault! That nig-boy, Charles, he just kept beating me up! All year! And when I finally stood up to him, he just moved onto someone else! I had to do something to stop him! Please don’t take my laptop! Please don’t make me stop seeing my dad and Casey!”
I drop to my knees and bury my face in my hands. My shoulders shake as I let out all the tears I hold in. I don’t like crying, because once I start, I can’t stop. And then I don’t want to do anything for days after.
My granddad is a big man. Big enough to pick me up off the deck and carry me into my room. Once he sets me on my bed, he walks out. My mama closes the door after him and climbs onto the bed with me.
“Oh, baby, stop crying. You know your mama can’t take it,” she murmurs.
I curl into her like I’m a baby again and she holds me. I hate when I get like this. I hate it I hate it.
“I’m… sorry…”
She rubs my back. “You have nothing to be sorry for. There’s nothing wrong with you, Rahshad. Granddad isn’t taking your laptop, and you’renotseeing a shrink. And you’re gonna keep seeing your father. But you’re not going to Coding Camp. And you’re grounded for the week.”
I just nod into her chest as she rubs my back. Grounded, I can do. My chest stops feeling so tight. And eventually, I fall asleep.
Present
After my silent hour, I get my appointment card for two days from now and zoom off to the studio right quick before the Foe Dub meeting. As long as I’m doing something, I don’t go too far into my mind. So of course, the hour I’m stagnant every other day, memories assault me and remind me that I’m defective.
Poor Granddad knew some shit was off. Even as a baby, I didn't play much. Didn’t do much of anything. Didn’t smile. Didn’t babble. I was just there.
And then one day Nana took me to work with her and I lit up and started touching the keyboard buttons of her computer and babbling my lil head off. And after that, I was always around one, my Nana’s at her job in an attorney’s office, the family one, and then my own laptop.
I’d shut down if I couldn’t play with one. All my toys were some type of electronic device. I’m sure Granddad blamed himself until his last breaths for making me all about tech.
I wasn’t bratty, even though I was an only child until I was fourteen. I didn’t get combative, not really. But I would get sad. I’d cry and cry, not wanting to get out of bed for days at a time. Itwould happen like once a year, until Charles Watson’s bitch ass started targeting me.
Then it was happening every month.
That’s why I beat his ass, recorded it, and posted it everywhere.
Including the new electronic sign at Peabody Car Lot.
But it wasn't enough. He needed to be punished still. So I did.
I ruined that nigga’s life.
And to be honest, I’d do it again.
