“So we not family no more?” Set rasps.
Rage flares in my chest as I lift my head to glare at him. “You told me I was dead to you. You and Nut stopped fucking with me just ‘cause I was trying to hold y’all up, like I always do!”
I shift my gaze to Nut, the words I didn’t know how to express becoming more and more fluid as they slip out of my mouth. “How many nights did we sit up and talk about any and everything? How many times you dropped Tati and Sean off in Hudsonville to spend the day with me? Tati came to both my grandparents’ funerals when neither of y’all did. You ain’t the only nigga who lost her! And yet when I try to help you, you treat me like a nigga off the street, shut me out for years. For what?! ‘Cause I cared?! Put my own grief to the side so you ain’t get lost in yours?!” My voice gets louder and louder, my leg trembles, but I can’t stop it.
“My best bro died in my arms. You was there, you seen it. We both was scared out of our minds, trying to keep Tati alive longenough for the ambulance. And you still abandoned me off some hurt feelings!”
Nut averts his eyes and rubs his hand over his curls, while I switch to Set. Unlike Nut’s scowl and Brina’s pity, Set’s face is entirely blank as he peers at me.
“You told me no matter what I’d always be your brother. Then the second you think I went against you, that ended. You left me out to dry, didn’t even give me a chance to explain. All the shit we been through, you’d really think I’d choose up over you, my brother? I turned my back on my entire family for you. You think I wanted to do that? You think it was easy? They’d never done anything but love me, but because they hated you, I shaded off. Cremated my own pops and never picked his ass up because of how he did you and B. Kept you alive when you decided to try some shit you had no business trying… for you to cut me off without even giving me the benefit of the doubt.”
“But we past that, w-we good–”
“We not fucking good, Nut! We ain’t past shit! You remember what you said when you found out my mama died? Huh?”
He cringes, no doubt remembering how callous he was in saying we should hit up Paradise to celebrate.
“That’s still my mama, bro. She birthed me, and gave me some good years. And she’s gone. Her, and R-Raya.” I choke on my sister's name, and Brina’s up in an instant, holding me.
“Y’all trivialize how I feel because I wasn’t in the Birch surviving off handouts. But I been drowning for a long fucking time, a-and, I couldn’t do this shit no more. I almost gave up. I couldn’t do it no more. I couldn’t keep feeling so tired and alone anymore.”
Brina holds me tighter as I break down. I’ve cried so much over these past few months, most of the time in my private sessions with Dr. Bell. And the weight of it all never decreases by much. It never feels like an avalanche. Only a single snowball.
But I gotta keep releasing it. And taking my meds. And conquering my triggers. And unfortunately, my family is a fucking trigger. Especially these three.
“Shad.”
I wipe my face and look at Nut. Gone is his usual scowl, replaced by something akin to humility.
“I, uh, I know you lost Tati, too, bro. You were her little brother, shit, our firstborn,” he chuckles, before clearing his throat. “I, well,weknow you don’t be regular sad. You ain’t ever come out and say it, and we didn’t either, but we know you got some shit going on, and that’s why we try to keep you leveled. But I guess, well, we got so wrapped up in our shit, we ended up fucking you up even more.”
“You didn’t–”
“We did, Shad,” Brina interrupts. “All of us. We did. We fucked up, and we all shut you out, and left you alone, when that’s not okay. I thought if you needed me, you’d hit me, not even realizing I was distancing myself from you when I was with Sincere. And I’m sorry for that.”
“Me too,” Nut adds. “I’m sorry for not fucking witchu, and for not checking in when we got back cool. And for saying that dumb shit about Candy. Regardless of the past, you’re gonna and should be able to mourn your family, including Bishop.”
Dr. Bell clears her throat. “I’m afraid we’re just about out of time… Rahshad, is there anything you want to say?”
I shake my head since I’m still trying to taper off the tears.
Dr. Bell smiles before rubbing her hands together. “Okay. I think there’s been a lot said, and that’s the first step for you guys to move forward, and the next step in Rahshad’s healing. If he wants, we can have another group session later, but the avenues of communication are open again, which was the goal of this session.”
We all stand, and they thank her before walking out. I nod when she asks me if I’ll see her in a week, since we’re going from twice a week to once a week, and walk out of her building to the parking lot.
Nut engulfs me in a hug, nearly scaring the shit out of me. “Are you good?” he chokes out.
Around strangers, he’ll always be hardbody. But I knew he was holding back tears, because the nigga cries seeing other people cry.
“I’m good, Nut.”
“Aight,” he sniffles, before putting me in a headlock. “Next time come to me, muthafucka.”
I choke out a laugh when he pushes me away.
“B, take Shad’s jeep. He’s gone roll with me.”
B glances at Set and nods before coming toward me. I give her my keys, and she hugs me one more time. “I love you, Shad,” she whispers into my shoulder.
